The Forum Jokes Thread

[Ramblin Rich]

9 hours ago, jcredfer said:

.....

We always look for cars with Jeremy Corbyn stickers. ....

 

Regards

Julian

 

 

37 minutes ago, 96701 said:

I'd do that to vehicles with Conservative supporting stickers in.

 

Politics. Careful now....

[johnarcher]

1 hour ago, 96701 said:

I'd do that to vehicles with Conservative supporting stickers in.

I wouldn't have done before, but now.............

[jcredfer]

1 hour ago, Ramblin Rich said:

 

 

Politics. Careful now....

 

.....   

 

J

[96701]

1 hour ago, jcredfer said:

 

.....   

 

J

Don't get all innocent.

[Dave47549]

.

Edited October 4, 2021 by Dave47549
Removed pointless guff

[raymw]

Corbyn the kitten

 

 

[Sprintex]

14 hours ago, Dave47549 said:

 

A right-winger, using a bus service? Congratulations, that's the first genuinely funny thing to a appear on the RMW jokes thread.

 

Don't see why? 

 

 

Paul

[Colin_McLeod]

Me: "Look I can now fit all my trains into just one box"

SWMBO: "Stop calling our house a box"

[Armchair Modeller]

[luckymucklebackit]

A German Dwarf jumped into the river yesterday to save my little dog that was drowning.

 

After he climbed out he handed me the little dog and said "Here is ze dog, keep him varm, dry him off , then give him der vitamin "C" and he vill be fine"

 

I said to him "Are you a Little Vet"

 

He replied, "A little Vet? I'm Bloody Soaking!!"

 

Jim

Edited November 13, 2019 by luckymucklebackit

[jcredfer]

10 hours ago, Armchair Modeller said:

 

I don't understand what went wrong...   they told me to give the baseboards a thorough sanding...

 

J

[leopardml2341]

[Colin_McLeod]

A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"
One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! 
The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover !!!!!
Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a doctor!

[Colin_McLeod]

Free bungee jumps for politicians.

 

No strings attached.

[ikks]

9 hours ago, Colin_McLeod said:

A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"
One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! 
The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover !!!!!
Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a doctor!

Brilliant!!

[kevinlms]

Three things that should be left unsaid:

1)

2)

3)

[luckymucklebackit]

On 13/11/2019 at 10:43, Armchair Modeller said:

 

The Sandite driver clearly missed the sign

[steve1]

Marriage guidance counsellor to his client, “your wife says you never buy her flowers”.

 

Guy says “I never knew she sold flowers”.

 

steve

[Gibbo675]

That one reminds me that:

 

Bigamy is having one wife too many.........as is monogamy !

 

Here is the feminist version of the above:

 

Bigamy is having one husband too many...........as is monogamy !

 

Gibbo.

[Budgie]

[PhilJ W]

A chap goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. He was offered an injection but refused because he hated needles. The dentist then offered him gas but again he refused because he didn't want the mask over his face. The dentist then offered him a pill which he accepted. The dentist then told him that the pill was Viagra. He then said "I didn't know Viagra was a painkiller?" The dentist said "It isn't, but it gives you something to hold onto when I pull the tooth."

[andytrains]

If you boil a funny bone does it become a laughing stock.

That's humorous.

 

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. 

The difference is staggering.

 

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in ten minutes, meet me in the car park.”

 

My wife says I'm getting fat, but in my defence,

I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.

[BoD]

8 hours ago, PhilJ W said:

A chap goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. He was offered an injection but refused because he hated needles. The dentist then offered him gas but again he refused because he didn't want the mask over his face. The dentist then offered him a pill which he accepted. The dentist then told him that the pill was Viagra. He then said "I didn't know Viagra was a painkiller?" The dentist said "It isn't, but it gives you something to hold onto when I pull the tooth."

When that happened to me Dentist said it was to give me something to bite on.

Just saying, like.

[PhilJ W]

I went in to the library and asked if they had any books on paranoia. The librarian leant over and wispered in my ear "They're behind you."

[Reorte]

As part of safety considerations for resignalling schemes wigs are going to be put on distant signals - hair on the side of caution.