Fun with Phone Scammer

[Dan Griffin]

I had another one today, here is the dialog with my best david graham parker impression :-

 

"Crieghton-ward residence, parker speaking".

 

" Hello mr parker, ( indian sounding) good morning, we have detected a problem with your computer."

 

"Im sorry, 'er ladyship is h'out in the rolls royce, and i don't ave h'access to er computer"

 

"We need to sort the malicious emails promptly sir"

 

"Er ladyship will be ome soon, im just the butler"

 

"Ok, can you access her computer sir?"

 

"Stone the crows, I've told you, i cannot, if you persist in h'arsking, i will ave to get my boot, and kick you in the h'arse".

 

"Good day"

 

Gone! Its becoming quiet amusing now, i do remember years ago my grandad got a cold call from a loan company, he baffled them by saying " why do i need to borrow your money, i have so much money i give mine away".

 

Completely baffled them!!

[BG John]

Trying to hold back an enthusiastically barking German Shepherd while opening the door was rather hard work, while they commented on how good it is to have a canine companion. They did decide to depart without forcing a Watchtower on me though. This was many years ago, and the present hairy monster wasn't involved, although she also loves to bark an enthusiastic greeting in her excitement to meet visitors!

[jcm@gwr]

A mate of mine used to answer unknown callers on his mobile with

 

"Hello, War Office, wanna fight?"

 

that usually put them off, or at least on the back foot.

[Siberian Snooper]

The Jehovas don't like home brew swilling MOD employees, I found that out shen I answered the door after finishing off pouring myself a pint, after arriving home from work on a warm afternoon. They asked what I thought of the world today and I replied it would be a whole lot better once I have the contents of this glass poured down me throat, no we mean war and the like (this was shortly after the Falklands), I replied I work for MOD Navy and that's what finances this, holding up the pint glass. Not seen them since and that's over 30 years ago.

[Torper]

On the few occasions when Jehovas Witnesses come round here I find that they are invariably polite and pleasant and that, when I make it clear that i have my own beliefs and am really not interested in theirs, they don't try to pressurise me or prolong the discussion.  Their intentions of course are for the best in that they're trying to save my soul and I suspect that as they leave they probably pity me as one of the damned.

 

DT

[Dunsignalling]

It was completely unintentional but, in my teens, I had the top end of my old BSA's motor in bits on the garden path and had just cut my finger on a sharp-edged part.

 

A pair of JWs rocked up unnoticed just as I was verbally expressing a certain amount of dismay at the situation. For some reason, they did not remain in the vicinity.

 

John

[Stubby47]

JWs...

 

Me : Do you think I'm clever enough to become a JW ?

 

Them : Yes

 

Me : Then why do you think I'm not clever enough to make up my own mind about which if any religion I might wish to follow ?

[eastwestdivide]

Before the days of unwanted phone calls/scammers, my late Dad used to answer in his poshest accent "Archbishop of Canterbury's residence..." usually followed by one of our relatives going "Oh, Allan... you cheeky...."

What he'd do with the current situation I'd love to see.

[petethemole]

Slightly OT but does anybody know, or follow, the rule that you should answer a ringing phone in a phone box with "Battersea Dogs' Home" ?

[Kenton]

 

This was many years ago, and the present hairy monster wasn't involved, although she also loves to bark an enthusiastic greeting in her excitement to meet EAT visitors!

 

[Edit] that makes me feel better. Sadly, since we lost* our two GSDs the option of self defence is no longer with us.

* SWMBO decided that at our age we shouldn't enter into a puppy replacement program.

 

 

Slightly OT but does anybody know, or follow, the rule that you should answer a ringing phone in a phone box with "Battersea Dogs' Home"?

 

 

What is a phone box? I can remember them from childhood (Press button 'B' and all that palava) but cannot emember the last time I used or even saw one.

[railsquid]

The carton the phone came in? People must have been very small in the olden days to squeeze inside.

 

No English-speaking phone scams here in Japan, unless you're careless enough to give away your contact details to one of the small multitude of foreign "financial advisers" infesting the international community, but do we have JWs turn up on our doorstep? Yes we booldy do. There's a large hive of Mormons in the vicinity too (though I hear many of their younger male missionaries "go native").

 

Embarrassingly, after the most recent JW call (refused politely), I moaned about it on the company intranet (small but globally distributed company), turned out one of my colleagues is of that persuasion, cue red face.

[Two_sugars]

Phone Box? . . You mean the red and glass urinals with a broken 'phone hanging on the wall?

[MJI]

If you get religeous visiters try to convert them to yours.

 

My boss is blacklisted for this by them

[kevinlms]

 

Embarrassingly, after the most recent JW call (refused politely), I moaned about it on the company intranet (small but globally distributed company), turned out one of my colleagues is of that persuasion, cue red face.

Well they must exist in the workplace and I agree that they fully entitled to do so. What I find unacceptable is to knock on doors to promote their wares on unsuspecting people. If they want their religion, but keep it to themselves.

[petethemole]

Phone Box? . . You mean the red and glass urinals with a broken 'phone hanging on the wall?

 

There are still some about, several here are listed (and appear to work). It's years since I actually heard one ringing though. I recall answering one once. After confusing the caller re BDH they asked me to go and knock the door of a nearby (very) house as there was a call for them. As it was a fairly busy road for foot traffic, it appeared to be a reasonably successful way of communicating. 

 

I was on a short fuse yesterday so the cold callers got Mr Angry rather than sparkling wit and repartee. Mind you, if you're familiar with the joke about The Master of Sparkling Wit and Repartee, you'll know that the punch line isn't.

[Allegheny1600]

Slightly OT but does anybody know, or follow, the rule that you should answer a ringing phone in a phone box with "Battersea Dogs' Home" ?

One of my former uniformed collegues did this once when I worked in the Custody suite at Derby police, he then promptly put the phone down and disappeared.

A couple of minutes later, Custody Inspector arrived, red faced and angry, "Who the hell just put the phone down on me?" he demanded - to utter silence!

 

wrt JW's, there was a very attractive one "upstairs" (same organisation) and she was a real home wrecker who set her sights on the 2iC and caused him to lose his family, silly fool. So! For all that religion and belief, she was still a highly fallable woman .

[geoffers]

I had a work acquaintaince once who solved his JW vistors by assuming a Jack Nicolson grimace and holding a knife. Not my way. A friend - his wife was a "fallen" JW and had been excommunicated so I just asked if they knew my  friends wife and named her and they went scuttering off white-faced. I know they are trying to save my soul but maybe they are trying to save theirs as well. As for unwanted phone calls - if I twig one earlier enough I enter the world of "Life of Brian" and in the the gaolers mate's voice (Terry Gilliam) ask ".....does it have breasts....?"   (sorry mods). Usually works.

[railsquid]

Well they must exist in the workplace and I agree that they fully entitled to do so. What I find unacceptable is to knock on doors to promote their wares on unsuspecting people. If they want their religion, but keep it to themselves.

 

Ditto, personally I worship at the altar of the Cheesecake Fairy, it's just that JWs are such a target for humour/satire (in the UK at least) never for a moment considered anyone I worked with (particularly in a purely IT company) would be of that persuasion.

 

Anyway can I interest you in this copy of "The Watchpan", essential reading for all those embarking on the Way of the Cake?

[DavidR]

Wifey answered the door to them one day, realised who they were, and spoke only in Polish.

They left.

Next weekend they were back with a Polish language version of 'Watchtower'  !

Full marks for trying.

[petethemole]

JWs are sometimes seen in precincts, market places, etc. with little placards and racks of magazines and leaflets. Round here one of these teams is Polish, with all Polish language material.

 

I always tell religious callers we're Pagan; they smile politely and leave. When Mrs mole (a Pagan priestess = witch) was about she used to invite JWs in (usually little old ladies) and have long discussions with them. They would come back for more.

 

I have been in a better mood today, but only one cold call and I didn't answer in time, so no fun. A recent phenomenon is "are you responsible for the energy bills?" I answer "No, British Gas is responsible for them, I just pay them."

[pointstaken]

latest scam - "do you have difficulty in climbing stairs? Or are you experiencing pain ? Only from clowns like you bothering me !" Puts phone down abruptly.

 

Dennis

[gr.king]

 

"Why don't you just f*** off?", I bawled down the phone. he rang off.

 

I'm yet to find one who hasn't understood that, or the close equivalent, almost immediately.

[60159]

Just had a call from an Asian woman insisting I listen to her shpeel about solar panels. I stopped her and said I wasn't interested and goodbye, cheeky Bxxxh phoned three more times in five minutes but just got the answerphone..... Maybe she didn't realise the same kid-on UK number was coming up.

 

Dave Franks

 

 

You sure it wasn't vitalspark?

[geoffers]

Kevin "bl**dy" Wilson, the Australian singer of "comic" verse, did a very funny, and extremely rude and no doubt very offensive, song regarding chance visitors to his door. The title is "The Festival of Life" but I won't post a link here as it is offensive but let  those interested track it down in their own time.

[QWILPEN]

the last full run in i had with the Jw bunch was a few years ago a nice quite family Christmas morning and the cheeky beggers were knocking on the door, it appears until they knocked on our door they had been ignored  / politly turned away, but I'm pleased to say they were sent off with a flea in thier ears, they didn't bother anyone else that morning in our street.

 

now i just tell them to get off my land immediatly.

 

 

Steve