The Forum Jokes Thread

[Enterprisingwestern]

What's round and ticks on the wall?

 

 

 

Ticky tape.

 

Mike.

[PGC]

Sad, but funny because it's so true!!!!!!!!! The latest BUPA plan:

 

You're a sick senior citizen and the government says they are going to sell  your house to pay for your nursing care. So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to  shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison..... where you will get three meals  a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care  you need!
Need new teeth? No problem.
Need glasses? That’s great.
Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.
 

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.
 

And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that they cannot afford to pay for  your nursing care. But there's a bonus, you get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it. Plus, because you're a prisoner, you don't have to pay council or income tax either! 
 

Is this a great country, or what?

Edited August 8, 2014 by PGC

[PGC]

 

a skeleton walked into a bar and said, "get me a whiskey, and a mop!"

 

Didn't see that one coming (the bar, that is!!!!!!!!   )

[DonBradley]

Hello once again from a clear blue sky Cape Town.

Max temp today a mild 19C

Nothing else to report.

 

Fish and chips for lunch today (optional extras; coleslaw, beetroot salad which I wont be having)

Not a complaint but cannot be compared to the f&c from the local chippie which is superb.

 

Happy poets day all 

[chris p bacon]

Hello once again from a clear blue sky Cape Town.

Max temp today a mild 19C

Nothing else to report.

 

Fish and chips for lunch today (optional extras; coleslaw, beetroot salad which I wont be having)

Not a complaint but cannot be compared to the f&c from the local chippie which is superb.

 

Happy poets day all 

Eeeerr Don this is the jokes thread.........

 

Have you got your glasses on...

[Steve K]

On the subject of come-back lines (and if this is a repeat, apologies!)...

 

The gentleman looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman and I was seriously worried that you were bringing her back."

 

"Have a good day, Sir",  said the policeman .

 

"If this is a repeat"? Most amusing!

 

 If that (still quite funny, I admit) joke hasn't been posted at least 5 times on here already, then I'm a monkey's uncle!

[DonBradley]

Apologies.

          Was meant to be posted in Early Risers!

[Two_sugars]

"If this is a repeat"? Most amusing!

 

 If that (still quite funny, I admit) joke hasn't been posted at least 5 times on here already, then I'm a monkey's uncle!

 

That'll be Uncle Ook - Ook  then . . ..

[kevinlms]

Sad, but funny because it's so true!!!!!!!!! The latest BUPA plan:

 

You're a sick senior citizen and the government says they are going to sell  your house to pay for your nursing care. So what do you do?

 

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to  shoot four Politicians.

 

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison..... where you will get three meals  a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care  you need!

Need new teeth? No problem.

Need glasses? That’s great.

Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.

 

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

 

And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that they cannot afford to pay for  your nursing care. But there's a bonus, you get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it. Plus, because you're a prisoner, you don't have to pay council or income tax either! 

 

Is this a great country, or what?

Given the choice between this 'utopia' & being able to walk outside wherever & whenever I want to and choose who I want for company, then NO, but thanks.for the offer!

[bluebottle]

"If this is a repeat"? Most amusing!

 

 If that (still quite funny, I admit) joke hasn't been posted at least 5 times on here already, then I'm a monkey's uncle!

 

You're right and wrong, Steve. Only once, about two months ago. Took about thirty seconds to check that. You've probably seen it in joke pages on other websites.

As we got the equivalent of "stop me if you've heard this one", best to move on. 

[kevinlms]

You're right and wrong, Steve. Only once, about two months ago. Took about thirty seconds to check that. You've probably seen it in joke pages on other websites.

As we got the equivalent of "stop me if you've heard this one", best to move on. 

An icon for "I've heard it!'.

[newbryford]

It's that Johnny kid again...............

 

Little Johnny and his class from the inner city school had a day out in the country.
When he got home, his Mum asked him all about it and what he'd seen.

Johnny was all excited as he talked about the trees and fields and the visit to the farm where he proudly announced that he'd seen some pigs, sheep, goats and f*ck*rs..

His Mum was surprised by the f word and asked what were f*ck*rs.

Little Johnny said "Well the teacher said they were heifers , but we knew what she really meant........."

 

Cheers,

Mick

[bluebottle]

One evening about half a lifetime ago, I was in Jasper Carrott's “Boggery Folk Club” in Solihull. The guest was Tony Capstick, so it was a good night. A Novocastrian, whose name I regret I can't now remember did a comedy spot from the floor - with graphic actions ...

 

'I was sitting in the top deck of this bus, across the gangway from a sweet little old lady, when the conductor came along for the fares.

The old dear looked up at him in silence, then put a thumb to her nose and waggled her fingers at him.

The conductor raised a hand with two fingers rigidly extended in front of her face.

She then cupped a hand under a breast and pushed it towards him.

He clutched his groin and squeezed his genitalia.

She got to her feet, farted thunderously, went down the stairs with surprising alacrity and jumped off the bus, which was now in uproar.

 

An inspector, who had come upstairs to see what was happening, approached the conductor angrily.

“What's the idea of terrorising that old lady and chasing her off the bus?”

“No, no, you don't understand”, the conductor replied. “That's old Betty. She's deaf and dumb and nearly blind. She never learned to sign properly, but I've known her since I was a lad, so I can understand her.

 

She asked me: 'Is this the number 4 bus?'

I answered: 'No, Betty, it's the number 2'

'Does it go past the dairy?'

'No, Betty, it goes by the ballroom.

 

'Sh!t!' She said.

 

'I'm on the wrong bus again!' “ 

 

 

Tony got up to do his spot just after that, remarking: "I hate bleeding Geordies!" 

 

 

Edit: formatting

Edited August 9, 2014 by bluebottle

[Steve K]

"If this is a repeat"? Most amusing!

 

 If that (still quite funny, I admit) joke hasn't been posted at least 5 times on here already, then I'm a monkey's uncle!

 

 

You're right and wrong, Steve. Only once, about two months ago. Took about thirty seconds to check that. You've probably seen it in joke pages on other websites.

As we got the equivalent of "stop me if you've heard this one", best to move on. 

 

Suddenly, I feel a craving for bananas...

[DonBradley]

Are you pregnant?

[BOARD OF TRADE]

What is brown and steaming and comes out of cows backwards?

The Isle of Wight Ferry!

[BOARD OF TRADE]

A Chav is walking down the street unhappy with life as usual and sees what he thinks is an old tin can which he "wellies" down the road.

Suddenly there is a flash and a cloud of smoke and before him stands a Genie,who says to him "I am the Genie of the Lamp and you have Three Wishes".

The Chav abuses him and tells him to get out of his way before he causes him a "serios one".

The Genie pesists and says that nevertheless he has Three Wishes and must choose.

The Chav says that he wants to be married to a beautiful woman and the Genie tells him that his Wish is granted,and he has Two Wishes left.

The Chav replies "Yeah right,so make me Rich then" and the Genie replies that his Wish is granted and he has One Wish left.

The Chav then says that the Genie better "do one" as he was getting right peed off with all this,but the Genie simply replies that he wants to know his last Wish.

The Chav says he wants to be Royalty and the Genie had better "clear right off",the Genie says that his Wish is granted and all of a sudden there is a cloud of smoke and a flash.

The next thing our brave hero knows is that he is waking up.The first thing he sees is a beautiful serene woman lying next to him in bed,hardly believing his eyes he looks around him at the four poster bed festooned in purple velvet trimmed with gold braid and the crystal chandelier.His eyes then focus on a sideboard where a Gold Imperial Crown rests on a sumptuous silk cushion.

Beside himself with joy at all his Wishes coming true,he hears a tap on the bedroom door and a voice saying to him,

"You must hurry Your Majesty Franz Ferdinand we have to be in Sarajevo in an hour".

[Merc435]

Historically appropriate for the current time!

[luckymucklebackit]

Oscar Pistorius has sacked his legal team and hired Celtic. He said they're the only ones he knows who could lose both legs and still win

 

Jim

[marc smith]

A man is summoned to his boss's office
"What's this I hear?" Says the boss
"Am I to understand you have your hair cut on the company's time?"
"This is unacceptable"

"Why is it not acceptable?" Retorts the man
"My hair grows on the company time, so surely I can have it cut on the company's time!"

The boss pauses for a few seconds, looking bemused at this logic,
and then replies;
"Ah ha - but it doesn't ALL grow on the company time, does it?"
Looking satisfied with his reply

But the man turned towards the door, and said smugly;
"No, that's why I didn't have it ALL cut off!"

[EHertsGER]

Sad, but funny because it's so true!!!!!!!!! The latest BUPA plan:

 

You're a sick senior citizen and the government says they are going to sell your house to pay for your nursing care. So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison..... where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!Need new teeth? No problem.Need glasses? That’s great.Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.

 

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

 

And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that they cannot afford to pay for your nursing care. But there's a bonus, you get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it. Plus, because you're a prisoner, you don't have to pay council or income tax either!

 

Is this a great country, or what?

Do I detect the hand of Sir Humphrey Appleby here? Edited August 11, 2014 by EHertsGER

[luckymucklebackit]

Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?" Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"

 

 

Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo are sitting in a pub with their mates.

Snow White says, "There's no doubt about it, I'm the fairest in the land."
Tom thumb says, "There's no doubt about it, I'm the smallest in the land."
Quasimodo says, "There's no doubt about it, I'm the ugliest in the land."

Their mates tell them to prove it by going to the magic all-knowing mirror, and the three head off.

A few minutes later, the door of the pub bursts open and Snow White runs in and says, "It's official...I'm the fairest in the land!"
Shortly afterwards, the door again bursts open and Tom Thumb runs in and shouts, "It's official...I'm the smallest in the land!"

 

Five minutes later, the door gets kicked in and Quasimodo storms in and bellows, "Who the hell is Susan Boyle?"

 

Jim

[kevinlms]

Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?" Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"

 

Jim

Another elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, but it doesn't smell, what should I do?"

 

Husband says "Put new batteries in your hearing aid!". Then make an appointment to get you sinuses checked!

 

 

He's spent the last 6 weeks in hospital, but should be going home soon.

[luckymucklebackit]

Seems as though I may have upset a couple of members of the Subo fan club

[EHertsGER]

Ok, more really bad (old ones)....

 

Q.1. "What is yellow and swings around the trees in the jungle?"

 

Q.2. "What is wrapped in silver foil and lives in a Cathedral?"

 

A.1. "Tarzipan"

 

A.2. "The lunchpack of Notre Dame"

 

Which brings me to this one, which might seem a familiar scenario on this board/forum:

 

A chap is sent to prison and settles in on his first night with his new cell mates. Their advice to him is to tell jokes to defray any aggression he might encounter from the more assertive members of his new community...

 

At the customary rest and social period (before anyone asks, my familiarity with prisons starts and stops with Porridge - unless you count the school I attended) he does just that - to a wall of stony silence. As he was despairing of his lot, another prisoner simply stated a number and the assembled group fell about laughing. More numbers followed and the hilarity continued until lock up.

 

Back in his cell the poor chap asked what had just happened. His cellmates said that the jokes were so old and well-known to the longer serving prisoners that they assigned numbers to them and just used the number to avoid spinning it out every time. Armed with this the chap read up on all the jokes in the numbered joke book his mates lent him. At last he felt he was ready to join in, so at the next opportunity he delivered his first joke as a number, as he had been taught. Silence again.

 

Asking what went wrong, concerned he had told an old or inappropriate joke, he was told;

 

"Ah, well, sonny, its not the joke that counts, it's the way you tell it..."

 

Do I hear crickets...?

 

Best,

Marcus

Edited August 12, 2014 by EHertsGER