The Forum Jokes Thread

[luckymucklebackit]

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and, with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were dozens of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips parted.
He could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...............

"Sod off," she said, "they're for the funeral!"

[69843]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed

was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,

 

'Dad.'

___________________________________________________________________________

 

Love, your son, Joshua.

 

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in

life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.....

Remind me to use that one in a few weeks!

Edited October 8, 2014 by 69843

[F-UnitMad]

A mother is invited by her son, Anthony, for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. "

So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony.

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama

Sarah Kennedy did that joke years back on Radio 2, except that his room mate was Julian, & it was a frying pan....

[bluebottle]

 

[shortliner]

ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shoe store shop owners, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'


The store owner replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'


The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.


Later in the day, the store owner was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 14-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature, and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.


Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. He watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the huge gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration . ..


."Sonofagun!!
THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

[andytrains]

A woman buys a mirror from an antique shop and hangs it on the wall in her bathroom.

Whilst getting undressed before bed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my wall, make my bust-line forty-four."

There is a flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. 

She runs into the bedroom and tells her husband what happened and they go to the bathroom.

The husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my pen1s touch the floor."

Again, there is a flash of light and..........both his legs fall off.

Edited October 8, 2014 by andytrains

[Titan]

Go to #2622

Edited April 3, 2017 by Titan

[peanuts]

Oh my god..

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

[newbryford]

Ladas, they were the poor mans Skoda,

 

What do you call a Lada with twin exhausts - A wheelbarrow

What do you call a Lada with a Sunroof - A skip

Why do Ladas have a heated rear window - To keep your hands warm when you push them

 

I once had a 16-valve Skoda.

 

8 in the engine and 8 in the radio............

 

Cheers,

Mick

[peanuts]

terror alerts 

 

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and Iraq, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

 

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 

 

 

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the ." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

 

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

 

 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

 

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

 

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

 

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level

[BOARD OF TRADE]

The French may be in the words of groundskeeper Willie of the Simpsons "cheese eating surrender monkeys" but their Navy are a quite differentmatter.

Ready and prepared to go into action at a moments notice.

One only needs to look at their Navy's Motto to recognize this,"TO THE WATER,IT IS THE HOUR!"

[Colin_McLeod]

Time for a swim

[EHertsGER]

The French may be in the words of groundskeeper Willie of the Simpsons "cheese eating surrender monkeys" but their Navy are a quite differentmatter.Ready and prepared to go into action at a moments notice.One only needs to look at their Navy's Motto to recognize this,"TO THE WATER,IT IS THE HOUR!"

So how did The Saintes, The Nile and Trafalgar go for them then...?

Edited October 13, 2014 by EHertsGER

[teaky]

Errm, I think you've missed the gag.  That bit of the text is just the set up for the punchline which requires a translation of the motto into French and then reading out loud.  (Although, you might wish you hadn't and would be reaching for the groan emoticon if there was one!)

[EHertsGER]

Errm, I think you've missed the gag.  That bit of the text is just the set up for the punchline which requires a translation of the motto into French and then reading out loud.  (Although, you might wish you hadn't and would be reaching for the groan emoticon if there was one!)

Yep, I wish I hadn't!

[AndrewC]

Oh dear. That was tres awful.

[chris p bacon]

I can't believe I had to read it twice before I got it. . .

 

À L'EAU, C'EST L'HEURE

 

 

Please Andy. . .a groan button. . .please.

[Titan]

See #5321

Edited April 3, 2017 by Titan

[bluebottle]

Oh dear. That was tres awful.

 

I thought it was pas mal, meself.

[andytrains]

And what about, Mers-el-Kébir?

[EHertsGER]

"I always give women a good time in the bedroom.

Well, it's a good time by 100m sprint standards."

[EHertsGER]

More terror threats...

 

The Americans, meanwhile have escalated their level of threat from ‘Aren’t they a college football team from Iowa?’ to “Ask Kim Kardashian; we might learn something.”

 

In the event of a serious threat, levels will be elevated from “Circle the wagons and head them off at the pass” through “chase red balloons around the sky” to “attack everyone just in case”

[Guest]

In Spanish, 'Puta' is the word for 'B!tch'. I wonder what it is in Russian...

[Colin_McLeod]

Small.

[Coombe Barton]

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10154636606720713