The Forum Jokes Thread

[peanuts]

Nobody tells a story quite like Billy. Still p!ss myself laughing at his old stuff even though I've heard it a hundred times.

 

Anyone for a jobbie wheecha?

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6HYbX7GQVQ

and i will rais you "the crusifiction" 

 

"see yu judas you gettin on ma tits" !

[Allegheny1600]

[ThePurplePrimer]

D'oh !

[chris p bacon]

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids

 

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. 

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions.

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?" 

Putin says "Good questions." 

But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch. 

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions. 

Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have four questions. My questions are: Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Sasha?"

[faulcon1]

Elderly people jokes.

An older man is on the dance floor with an older woman. The older man has a big smile on his face. He's also a little deaf. The older woman says 'No! No! I said I have acute Angina!!!'.

 

Another older man who is also a little deaf is in the doctors surgery and drops his pants, bends over and produces a very loud fart. The doctor say 'Yes Mr Anderson that was very loud, but I said I want to hear your heart'.

 

An elderly couple are sitting on a sofa and the elderly man puts his hand inside the elderly womans blouse to feel her breasts. She turns to him and says,' They're not up there anymore Walter'.

 

An elderly married couple are in bed and the man appears to have a huge erection. His wife reading a book turns to him and says 'stop showing off I know it's your walking stick'.

 

Another older couple are in the bedroom with husband with his pants down but gnashing his teeth. His wife in bed is clapping her hands. She says to him 'I'm not applauding your erection, I'm trying to turn out the light!!!!'

 

I hope these jokes aren't regarded by the moderators as being 'too near the bone' and if I've offended anyone then I apologise.

Edited May 6, 2015 by faulcon1

[pointstaken]

For those of us who were at school in the 1950s and remember the Davy Crockett film with Fess Parker -

 

Davey, Davey Crockett,

went to the moon on a twopenny rocket,

The rocket went bang,

His balls went clang,

and he found his cock in his pocket.

 

Dennis

[bluebottle]

For those of us who were at school in the 1950s and remember the Davy Crockett film with Fess Parker -

 

Davey, Davey Crockett,

went to the moon on a twopenny rocket,

The rocket went bang,

His balls went clang,

and he found his cock in his pocket.

 

Dennis

 

Has the American English offensive language filter decided that it's fighting a losing battle and given up on that one?

[Catweasel]

There once was a man from Bangkok,

Who caught his **** in a rock.

He pulled it so hard,

He stretched it a yard,

Now the women hang round in a flock.

[andytrains]

As I was walking past Saint Pauls,

A Lady grabbed me by the balls,

She said you have got a lot of Pluck,

Come home with me and have a Ham Sandwich!

[BR60103]

She smiled and called him Mr,

Because he'd never kr.

And so in spite

That very night

The Mr. kr. sr.

[cromptonnut]

As I was walking past Saint Pauls,

A Lady grabbed me by the balls,

She said you have got a lot of Pluck,

Come home with me and have a Ham Sandwich!

 

Sounds similar to an old campfire song I learnt in the Scouts ... http://www.odps.org/glossword/index.php?a=term&d=3&t=503

[Catweasel]

Why don't we have a limerick thread? Must be 5 lines and scans well. Should be fun.

 

There was a young girl from Devizes

Whose boobs were of 2 different sizes.

One was so small

'Twas no good at all

The other won 20 first prizes.

[Stubby47]

Why not indeed.

 

See :http://www.rmweb.co.uk/community/index.php?/topic/98987-the-limerick-thread/

[Ian Abel]

As I was walking past Saint Pauls,

A Lady grabbed me by the balls,

She said you have got a lot of Pluck,

Come home with me and have a Ham Sandwich!

The version I recall was somewhat longer, as follows;

 

Shakespeare was a man of whit

and on his shirt he had some shirt buttons

 

One day whilst walking past St. Pauls

a lady grabbed him by the ear

 

She said young man you have some pluck

come inside and have a cup of tea

 

Six-pence, nine-pence or a bob

depending on the size of your tea cup!

[pH]

An optomist thinks we live in the best of all possible worlds ... and a pessimist thinks he's probably right!

[DonB]

The Venerable Bishop of Buckingham

From a bridge overlooking 'em

Watched the stunts of the chumps in the punts

And their tricks with the sticks pushing 'em.

[Simon G]

I just heard this on Radio Cumbria, so it may have done the rounds before:

 

A woman goes to her doctor and says that she cant stop breaking wind.  However, she cant either hear it or smell it.  She then tells the doctor that she has passed wind more than twenty times since coming in to see him.  The doctor thinks for a while, then writes out a prescription, and tells her to take the pills for a week, then come back & see him again.  A week later she comes back, now very disgruntled.  She says that the pills have made no difference to her passing wind, but now she can smell them, and it is not pleasant.  The doctor says - good, the pills have sorted your sinuses - now to sort out your hearing!

[Allegheny1600]

A pick-up with three guys in it pulls into the timber yard.  One of the men
gets out and goes into the office.
        "I need some four-by-two's," he says.
        "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
        The man scratches his head.  "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
check."
        Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
acceptable.
        "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
        The guy gets the blank look again.  "Uh... I guess I better go
check," he says.
        He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
conversation.  The guy comes back into the office.  "A long time," he says,
"we're building a house".

[PhilJ W]

An old sailor decides to go down to the docks to find a 'lady of the night' for one last time. He finds a suitable companion and is in bed with her when he asks 'How am I doing.' She replied 'Your doing three knots.' He then asked what she meant by three knots and she told him 'Your not hard, your not in and your not getting your money back.'

[PhilJ W]

Superman was flying over Metropolis when he espied Wonder Woman laying stark naked and spreadeagled on a flat roof. This made him feel randy so he decided to swoop down on her and give her a surprise. It was the Invisible Man got the surprise however.

[Catweasel]

http://www.thebikerguide.co.uk/bikerjokes.html#Biker%20Air%20Freshner

 

I found this whilst browsing, as you do.

[shortliner]

Double meaning words

 

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-NE-Ra-bel) adj.  
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.  
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-in-Kay-shon) n.  
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.  
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.  
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.  
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (RI-moht kon-trohl) n.  
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
 
AND;

He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.  
She said.... You wear pants don't you?
 
He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?  
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
 
He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
 
He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.  Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

SEND THIS TO A PERSON WHO NEEDS A LAUGH

[peanuts]

pretty amazing engine the

 

can be started with one finger

 

can take anysize piston

 

is self lubricating

 

and self changes it oil every four weeks !

 

 

just a petty the management system is so bloody tempramental 

[C&WR]

Just realised from Chrs P Bacon's #3337.  Misha is a boy's name, diminutive of Mikhail, and Sasha is normally the diminutive of Alexander slthough can be used for Alexandra.  Spotter that I am, never thought I'd use that O-Level Russian on here!

 

Cracking joke, though, shared elsewhere...

[Horsetan]

A man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

 

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

 

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis!!"