sir douglas Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 so i bottled some fruit drink to have with my sandwiches while im out i can really pack a punch Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted October 14, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 14, 2016 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve K Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 That's quite funny, but I do think that the banner headlines in your jokes are over-selling them a bit! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted October 15, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 15, 2016 That's quite funny, but I do think that the banner headlines in your jokes are over-selling them a bit! Sorry about that Steve , I cant edit them as that's how they come on the site I'm pulling them from . 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom D Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 I was listening to an ABBA song on You Tube, and just happened to read one of the comments.... "My wife is a dead ringer for the blonde" as I was thinking "what a lucky ba****d", his next comment was... "You know the one with the beard" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
EHertsGER Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 collision.png The older chap will soon find his wife if he stands anywhere near the younger man's wife...she will appear out of nowhere... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamiel Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 (edited) Jesus and the disciples arrive at a restaurant.'Hello. We'd like a table for 26 please.'Restaurant owner, 'But there are only 13 of you.'Jesus, 'Yes, but we all want to sit on the same side.' Edited October 16, 2016 by Jamiel 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted October 16, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted October 16, 2016 (edited) Jesus and the disciples arrive at a restaurant. 'Hello. We'd like a table for 26 please.' Restaurant owner, 'But there are only 13 of you.' Jesus, 'Yes, but we all want to sit on the same side.' And after the meal Jesus goes to pay the bill but the waiter tells him it's already been settled. He goes back to the table and questions the disciples about who has paid, It's ok says Peter, Judas has paid, he's just come into some money. Mike. Edit spilling mestake. Edited October 16, 2016 by Enterprisingwestern Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 steve 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 What's green and hard? A frog with a knife. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted October 18, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted October 18, 2016 In a similar vein. What changes from green to red at the push of a button? A frog in a liquidiser. Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted October 18, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 18, 2016 In a similar vein. What changes from green to red at the push of a button? A frog in a liquidiser. Mike. My wife says you need to update your jokes source as it is currently about fifty years old! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BG John Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 My wife says you need to update your jokes source as it is currently about fifty years old! The old ones are the best! On second thoughts, maybe not . Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Ian J. Posted October 18, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 18, 2016 In a similar vein.... If you've got green blood in your veins, then you must be a Vulcan, possibly related to Mr. Spock? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted October 19, 2016 RMweb Gold Share Posted October 19, 2016 My wife says you need to update your jokes source as it is currently about fifty years old! I didn't realise I was so up to date, that's new for me. Please pass on my good wishes to my number one critic. Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted October 19, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 19, 2016 My wife says you need to update your jokes source as it is currently about fifty years old! She admits to being old enough, to remember when it first came out? Hat, coat & running fast out the door! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
JZ Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 A man received the following text from his neighbour: “I am so sorry Charlie. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.” The man, anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: “Damn autocorrect. I meant ‘WiFi’ not ‘wife’.” 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted October 21, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 21, 2016 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
28XX Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 A man goes into a Scottish baker's. "How much is that cake?" "A poond" "And how much is that one?" "A poond. All ma cakes are a poond!" "Oh, OK. What about that one?" "Ach, that one's two poonds." "Oh. Why's that then?" "Tha's Madeira cake." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of theUSA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: ----------------------- 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------ 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ------------------- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). --------------------- 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)! 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in one cage and a sliced loafin another.The zookeeper told me it was OK, it was bread in captivity. ( a rapid departure - stage right - is indicated!) 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted October 24, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 24, 2016 I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in one cage and a sliced loaf in another. The zookeeper told me it was OK, it was bread in captivity. ( a rapid departure - stage right - is indicated!) WE NEED A GROAN BUTTON NOW! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted October 24, 2016 RMweb Premium Share Posted October 24, 2016 WE NEED A GROAN BUTTON NOW! 7 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 WE NEED A GROAN BUTTON NOW! That would be the first key to wear out ... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 (edited) scientists at manchester uni ran two year a study into the effects of alcahol on peoples ability to walk the results were said to be staggering Edited October 24, 2016 by peanuts Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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