Titan Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 How do you distinguish between a male ant and a female ant? Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks it is a girl ant, and if it floats it is a buoyant... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold 96701 Posted May 24, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted May 24, 2017 How do you distinguish between a male ant and a female ant? Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks it is a girl ant, and if it floats it is a buoyant... I'm gonna steal that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 Getting old should require training! I bought a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom.” It hurts to walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium petethemole Posted May 25, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 25, 2017 How do you tell one end of a worm from the other? Put it in a bowl of flour and wait for it to fart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 How do you distinguish between a male ant and a female ant? Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks it is a girl ant, and if it floats it is a buoyant... I'm gonna steal that.You can post it again a couple of pages later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 How do you tell one end of a worm from the other? Put it in a bowl of flour and wait for it to fart. Hate to spoil your joke, but you will have a long wait, worms don't have anywhere to fart from, they have two heads. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted May 25, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 25, 2017 Hate to spoil your joke, but you will have a long wait, worms don't have anywhere to fart from, they have two heads. Wait for it to burp then... Oh... hang on........... B*gger. Mick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinty3f Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 Hate to spoil your joke, but you will have a long wait, worms don't have anywhere to fart from, they have two heads. So how do they sh... then? Or are they like politicians where it comes out of both ends? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted May 25, 2017 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted May 25, 2017 Hate to spoil your joke, but you will have a long wait, worms don't have anywhere to fart from, they have two heads. So are worms are a bit like a DMU? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
graeme3300 Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 A pirate walked into a bar and the barman said, "Hey, I haven't seen you for a while. What's happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" asked the pirate. "I feel fine." "What about your wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate. "We were in a battle and I got hit by a canon ball, but I'm fine now." The barman replied, "Right, but what about that hook?" "We were in another battle," explained the pirate. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. I lost my hand and was fitted with a hook, but I'm fine, really." "Then what about your eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate. "We were at sea and a flock of seagulls flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the barman. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop!" "Well," said the pirate, "It was my first day with the hook!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 Now Roger Moore has died will he become a Saint? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted May 26, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted May 26, 2017 (edited) Now Roger Moore has died will he become a Saint? .... only if he goes to double 0 heaven. Edited May 26, 2017 by BoD 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 .... only if he goes to double 0 heaven. Not EM or P4 then? steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 aaaaahhhh!!!! We're back to needing a GROAN button, & quick!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted May 27, 2017 Share Posted May 27, 2017 Not EM or P4 then? steve Perhaps Daniel Craig will go to HO heaven? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faulcon1 Posted May 27, 2017 Share Posted May 27, 2017 (edited) The doctor says to Mr Brown, Mr Brown I told you yesterday that you were suffering from testicular cancer but I'm afraid I had the wrong set of results. I have no idea how to apologise for this balls up. The next day the doctor says to Mr Brown, Mr Brown we have finally got the right results and you are suffering from erectile dysfunction. No Mr Brown it's not another cock up, quite the opposite actually. Viagra you can't get it over the counter. If you can get it over the counter then you don't need Viagra. The duke of Edinburgh is now so old that he no longer breaks wind. He now breaks dust. Edited May 27, 2017 by faulcon1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faulcon1 Posted May 27, 2017 Share Posted May 27, 2017 Not EM or P4 then? steve P4? P4 what or whom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted May 27, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 27, 2017 One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!” His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What the Hell is this?” He said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out. “April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?” She replied with a snicker, “It’s not talcum powder It’s ‘Miracle Grow!'” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RJS1977 Posted May 27, 2017 Share Posted May 27, 2017 Perhaps Daniel Craig will go to HO heaven? Craig should be 009 surely? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted May 28, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 28, 2017 60th High School ReunionHe was a widower and she a widow.They had known each other for a number of yearsbeing high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail. This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.The widower throwing admiring glances across the table.The widow smiling coyly back at him.Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.But the next morning he was troubled.Did she say Yes? or did she say No?He couldn't remember.Try as he would, he just could not recall.He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response.With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to.Then he reviewed the past evening.As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her."When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes? or did you say No?"Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will ! And I meant it with all my heart."The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!” 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted May 29, 2017 Share Posted May 29, 2017 Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn thatthe doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.Wiping away her tears, he asked her to with him.Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have...18 hours left to live maybe we could again?'Carolyn agreed and again they made love.Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eighthours of life left.He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed andturned until he was down to only four more hours.He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only havefour hours left! Could we...?'His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny... ..but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.' 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 gentleman a warning Of course you do know that your any proposed defence of "Well...you said 'Do what you want'.." is likely to fail and be met with one of many responses... 1 - "Yes, but I didn't mean you could do ...THAT.."2 - "Oh right then...I see...like that is it..?"3 - "You never listen to what I say... and yet this ONE time.. you choose to listen...and deliberately misunderstand..."4 - "Oh you are just twisting my words now.."5 - "I said..do what you want... NOT...do what you want.."6 - "I suppose your mate [insert a name here] put you up to it..."7 - Not forgetting the scowl and shaking of the head.. followed by silence, which you foolishly break by saying "What ? What have I done now ?" and their response "Do I really need to explain it to you..?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buhar Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 That's not a joke, it's my biography. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold ian Posted May 30, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted May 30, 2017 If it gets to "Do what you want" you are already in REALLY big trouble... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted May 30, 2017 Share Posted May 30, 2017 I remember going to see Dr. Hook in the 70'sWorst prostate exam ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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