raymw Posted March 2, 2019 Share Posted March 2, 2019 reminded me of the Marty Feldman? sketch in the pet shop. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
manna Posted March 3, 2019 Share Posted March 3, 2019 G'day Folks 11 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted March 3, 2019 Share Posted March 3, 2019 Two do(d)gy jokes !! Brit15 3 10 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted March 3, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted March 3, 2019 My hamster died today. Fell asleep at the wheel. 1 9 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
billy_anorak59 Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloody pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know.” The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing." 1 18 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 2 hours ago, billy_anorak59 said: A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. .... The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.... Clearly been married a long time.... 1 3 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 Do you know why so many Vicars and other religious people are railway fans? It's in the Bible. Isaiah 6v1 I saw also the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up, and His train filled the temple. 1 3 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium BR60103 Posted March 6, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 6, 2019 5 hours ago, cromptonnut said: Do you know why so many Vicars and other religious people are railway fans? It's in the Bible. Isaiah 6v1 I saw also the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up, and His train filled the temple. We now know that God is single. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 11 hours ago, cromptonnut said: Do you know why so many Vicars and other religious people are railway fans? It's in the Bible. Isaiah 6v1 I saw also the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up, and His train filled the temple. I expect that this will have the GWR fans on confirming that it is Gods Wonderful Railway, as "the temple" can only refer to Temple Meads Station and they did have quite a few Saints, however I await confirmation from theologians regarding the gauge of track used, would God use P4 or EM? 1 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sprintex Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 Neither, he would have used O gauge. That's why so many hymns start with "O . . . " Paul 3 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 an old cowboy walks into a barber's shop for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber that he can't get all the whiskers off his face because his cheeks are so wrinkled. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When the barber's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that it's the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, 'just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does'. 1 15 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted March 6, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 6, 2019 What service is a railway enthusiast priest's favourite? Stations of the Cross! 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnarcher Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 (edited) 11 hours ago, luckymucklebackit said: I expect that this will have the GWR fans on confirming that it is Gods Wonderful Railway, as "the temple" can only refer to Temple Meads Station and they did have quite a few Saints, however I await confirmation from theologians regarding the gauge of track used, would God use P4 or EM? Broad gauge surely (there apparently being three of Him), upon which wide track He would move in a mysterious way. Hence the term "broad church". (And Brunel is his prophet) Edited March 6, 2019 by johnarcher 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buhar Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 Of course it's GWR, for he made all creeping things. 2 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Ian J. Posted March 7, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 7, 2019 9 hours ago, Buhar said: Of course it's GWR, for he made all creeping creepy things. Fixed that for you... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
davefromacrossthepond Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 Hmmmmmmmm. I think some Neanderthals might have just been offended. 1 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted March 7, 2019 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted March 7, 2019 1 2 7 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 The cat – dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. How long before I can expect light, dinner, and a massage? It is a well known fact that dogs have Owners.... ... cats have Staff. 1 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Stubby47 Posted March 8, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted March 8, 2019 How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb ? . . . . . . . . . . . Two. The hard part is getting them in there in the first place... 1 1 16 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium TheQ Posted March 8, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 8, 2019 I had one try.. I found it stretched across the live and earth on the connection plate for the light... somewhat fried.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 1 1 12 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold ikks Posted March 10, 2019 RMweb Gold Share Posted March 10, 2019 Joke of the Week Back in the 1980s, Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on UK television with British TV host Anne Diamond. He used the word mañana. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said the term means: “Maybe the job will be done tomorrow; maybe the next day; maybe the day after that, or perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who really cares?” The host turned to other guest on the show, Australian country singer, Mudruck Flatlands. She asked him if there was an equivalent term in his home country. “Nah,” he replied. “In Australia, we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.” Mike 4 1 10 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tangoman69 Posted March 10, 2019 Share Posted March 10, 2019 3 14 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted March 10, 2019 RMweb Premium Share Posted March 10, 2019 5 hours ago, ikks said: Joke of the Week Back in the 1980s, Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on UK television with British TV host Anne Diamond. He used the word mañana. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said the term means: “Maybe the job will be done tomorrow; maybe the next day; maybe the day after that, or perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who really cares?” The host turned to other guest on the show, Australian country singer, Mudruck Flatlands. She asked him if there was an equivalent term in his home country. “Nah,” he replied. “In Australia, we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.” Mike What's wrong with 'She'll be right'? 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted March 10, 2019 Share Posted March 10, 2019 16 hours ago, ikks said: Joke of the Week Back in the 1980s, Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on UK television with British TV host Anne Diamond. He used the word mañana. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said the term means: “Maybe the job will be done tomorrow; maybe the next day; maybe the day after that, or perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who really cares?” The host turned to other guest on the show, Australian country singer, Mudruck Flatlands. She asked him if there was an equivalent term in his home country. “Nah,” he replied. “In Australia, we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.” Mike Drekly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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