The Forum Jokes Thread

[PhilJ W]

On 13/03/2019 at 23:39, kevinlms said:

 

NEEDED NOW!

[davefromacrossthepond]

9 hours ago, jf2682 said:

It is interesting to note how human life is convolved around mid life, about 40 year of age.  I have noticed as I get older (!'m 65) my personality traits and behaviour have started to revert to my early adulthood - intolerance, sharp tempered, and selfish.  Is it just me?  In a few years I'm going to be racing my trains around a circle of track again!!

 

Perhaps it is just me, but there are times when I look back in time to when I was that little kid racing the trains around a circle of track and realize how much pure fun that was.  

[Gibbo675]

11 hours ago, leopardml2341 said:

What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce and a tomato?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chicken Cesar salad. 

Hi Leopard,

 

That reminds me of this, its just as bad;

 

Ceasar ad jam forte,

Pomey ad arat.

Ceasar sic in omnibus,

Pompey sic in at.

 

Gibbo.

[Gibbo675]

21 hours ago, jf2682 said:

It is interesting to note how human life is convolved around mid life, about 40 year of age.  I have noticed as I get older (!'m 65) my personality traits and behaviour have started to revert to my early adulthood - intolerance, sharp tempered, and selfish.  Is it just me?  In a few years I'm going to be racing my trains around a circle of track again!!

Hi jf2682,

 

I would guess that at the age of 40 most folk finally begin to realise that most of what constrains ones behaviour is materialist-conformist nonsense. Things like the latest fashion, being seen with the right people (whoever they actually are?), washing the car on a Sunday, mortgages and creeping to the boss, non of which bring contentment in life.

 

Tread your own path !!!

 

Gibbo.

[jcredfer]

12 hours ago, Gibbo675 said:

Hi jf2682,

 

I would guess that at the age of 40 most folk finally begin to realise that most of what constrains ones behaviour is materialist-conformist nonsense. Things like the latest fashion, being seen with the right people (whoever they actually are?), washing the car on a Sunday, mortgages and creeping to the boss, non of which bring contentment in life.

 

Tread your own path !!!

 

Gibbo.

It also brings the realisation that you keep moving your wedding picture to the back of the mantlepiece, because the Flares you wore no longer have the same "fashion immunity" as they did 20 years earlier.  However your father / mother will insist on placing the same picture at the front every time they visit - a gentle reminder of their advice to keep to clothes that would stand the passage of time.

 

Julian

 

PS. No I did not.  They wouldn't let me have flares on my RAF uniform - apparently I should have joined the RN.

[Sidecar Racer]

I went to a faith healer last night and he was rubbish,

 

even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!

[APOLLO]

Another doggie joke

 

 

Brit15

[peanuts]

Here's a belter A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening News . . . Last week a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb and stopped just inches from a large plate window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

[eastworld]

Blunt instruments? I really don't see the point.

 

Stu

[eastworld]

What’s yellow and giggles uncontrollably? – immature cheddar

 

Stu

[Enterprisingwestern]

On 22/03/2019 at 22:50, davefromacrossthepond said:

 

Perhaps it is just me, but there are times when I look back in time to when I was that little kid racing the trains around a circle of track and realize how much pure fun that was.  

 

You're not alone. the layouts I seem to enjoy most at exhibitions are the Triang/Minic and Hornby Dublo ones!

 

Mike.

[Sidecar Racer]

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking.

Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "But I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it," he replied, "Every one of the recipes began the same way -

 

Take a clean dish and........."

 

[Guest]

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these bread -wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.

[luckymucklebackit]

That is a variation of one I heard years ago....

 

After sixty years, a Rabbi decides to retire. Taking the box of foreskins he has collected over the years of doing circumcisions, he goes to a leather goods manufacturer and says to the man, "Can you do anything with these?"

The man says, "No problem, come back in two weeks."

After two weeks the rabbi returns to the shop, and is presented with a wallet. In total dismay, he says to the craftsman, "After sixty years, the best you can do is a wallet?"

The man replies, "Don't worry, just rub it a few times and it will grow into a suitcase."

[BoD]

They told me that the majority of road accidents happen within two miles of home.  So I moved house.

[Sidecar Racer]

The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man:

 

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Chicago, the lead

flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.

I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40

dinner meals.

I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.

 

" When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,"Anyone who is kind enough

to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the

duration of our 10 hour flight."

 

 

 

Her next announcement came about 1/2 hour later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."

[Gibbo675]

On 28/03/2019 at 14:04, The Snapper said:

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these bread -wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.

 

23 hours ago, luckymucklebackit said:

That is a variation of one I heard years ago....

 

After sixty years, a Rabbi decides to retire. Taking the box of foreskins he has collected over the years of doing circumcisions, he goes to a leather goods manufacturer and says to the man, "Can you do anything with these?"

The man says, "No problem, come back in two weeks."

After two weeks the rabbi returns to the shop, and is presented with a wallet. In total dismay, he says to the craftsman, "After sixty years, the best you can do is a wallet?"

The man replies, "Don't worry, just rub it a few times and it will grow into a suitcase."

Hi Chaps,

 

What do you do with 365 used condoms ?

 

Recycle them into a Tyre and call it a Good-Year.

 

Gibbo.

[peanuts]

just cant work the missus out she said "fine have a tattoo " yesterday  now shes moaning about the bagpipes in the back garden 

[F-UnitMad]

2 hours ago, peanuts said:

just cant work the missus out she said "fine have a tattoo " yesterday  now shes moaning about the bagpipes in the back garden 

The crucial word she used was "fine" - & missing that was the start of your problems

I won't repeat it here as I'm sure it's been posted before, but also googling "what women say & mean" is equally enlightening. "Nothing" "That's Okay" & "Go ahead" are other words where you need to be on guard.

[steve1]

My extra-sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.

 

steve

[graeme3300]

This joke appeared in a Melbourne newspaper a few days ago . . .

 

Should Brexit take place?    English physicians are unable to reach a consensus.

 

Allergists are in favour of scratching it, while dermatologists think it is a little rash.

 

Neurologists thought May had a lot of nerve.

 

Meanwhile, obstetricians felt everyone was labouring under a misconception.

 

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.

 

Radiologists could see right through it, and the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole idea!

 

 

[luckymucklebackit]

It has been announced by Irish Taoiseach, Leo Varadkar of his intention to adopt the European standard of driving on the right hand side of the road after Brexit.  During the period of the Backstop this will only apply to cars and motor cycles, with HGVs following suit once full Brexit has been agreed

[Stubby47]

That was first heard when the UK joined the Common Market...

[PhilJ W]

The teacher was giving a lecture on the evils of drink. To demonstrate she poured out four glasses respectively of whisky, beer, wine and water. She then dropped a worm into each glass and within a short while the only one still alive was in the glass of water. She then asked the class "What does that demonstrate?" Little Johnny stood up and said "If you drink whiskey, beer and wine you won't get worms."

[peanuts]

Somebody just threw a bottle of omega 3 capsules at me. I only have super fish oil injuries but I'm lucky I wasn't krilled!