AndrewC Posted November 23, 2012 Share Posted November 23, 2012 In the future, everyone will be Chelsea manager for 15 minutes. (Andy Warhol) 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
iL Dottore Posted November 23, 2012 Share Posted November 23, 2012 The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.... Alas, all too close to the truth, I fear! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted November 23, 2012 Share Posted November 23, 2012 (edited) The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.... Alas, all too close to the truth, I fear! 'iL Dottore' timestamp='1353683914' post='853594' said Alas, all too close to the truth, I fear! The MOD has announced that regretably this information was released early in error, and due to expected cost-cutting annoucements in the upcoming Chancellors Autumn Budget, the Class 45 destroyers are now being downgraded to inflatable rubber dinghies, and the UK Olympic Rowing Team personnel are being conscripted to propel them. All other Naval personnel will be made redundant. Edited November 23, 2012 by shortliner 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium skipepsi Posted November 23, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 23, 2012 If it wasn't so close to the truth it would be funnier, two abandoned aircraft carriers four ballistic missile subs and a handful of rigid inflatables is the MOD'S plan....... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
BG John Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 A copper just stopped me with a sniffer dog , ...."my dog tells me you're on drugs" he says "ME!"....... I said "you're the one with the talking dog"! 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
kandc_au Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 A guy asked a girl in a library; “Do you mind if I sit beside you”? The girl answered with a loud voice; I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!! All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?” The guy responded with a loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!! And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears; “I study Law and I know how to make someone look guilty" 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
gazmanjack Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 (edited) Sidecar Racer, Re: The pic of the Crackatinni Tribe. This picture is obviously photoshopped. Please note, that we Australians DON'T drink VB or Fosters. We sell it to the poms.... Cheers, Gary. Edited November 24, 2012 by gazmanjack 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted November 24, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 24, 2012 Sidecar Racer, Re: The pic of the Crackatinni Tribe. This picture is obviously photoshopped. Please note, that we Australians DON'T drink VB or Fosters. We sell it to the poms.... Cheers, Gary. They drink XXXX instead because none of them can spell beer. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted November 24, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 24, 2012 My pet mouse Elvis died last night. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . He was caught in a trap Cheers, Mick 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Taz Posted November 24, 2012 RMweb Gold Share Posted November 24, 2012 A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. Robot for sale. 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted November 25, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 25, 2012 They drink XXXX instead because none of them can spell beer. At least the stuff from NSW, doesn't even rate a mention. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
QRModeller Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Come to think of it, what is the stuff from NSW? Matt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
emac Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 A magician was working on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "OK, I give up. Where's the f******* ship?" 11 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
shortliner Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times." 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! steve 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted November 27, 2012 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted November 27, 2012 The newly married couple wanted some "honeymoon salad" Lettuce alone. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 (edited) An Irishman* is travelling in a taxi in New York; driver says “Ya like riddles?” “To be sure!” “Okay – Brothers and sisters have I none, but this man's father is my father's son. Who is it?” “Oh, that's a hard one; I give up!” “It's me”. “Oh that's clever; must remember that one!” A week later, back in Ireland, he meets his mate in the pub, and says “I've got a great riddle for you - Brothers and sisters have I none, but this man's father is my father's son. Who is it?” “That's a hard one, I give in” “It's a taxi driver in New York!” * (Other nationalities are available). Edited November 27, 2012 by bluebottle 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Downendian Posted November 27, 2012 RMweb Gold Share Posted November 27, 2012 (edited) I've introduced my son to the comic legend Tommy Cooper via YouTube. "I was going through my loft and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt, and took them to an auctioneer to get them valued. Unfortunately he told me they were worth nothing. Rembrandt made lousy Violins and Stradivarius was a hopeless painter" Neil Edited November 28, 2012 by Downendian 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted November 29, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted November 29, 2012 Tax form returned . I emailed my tax return and am a tad baffled because HMRC have returned it with a query about my list of dependents... I can only assume it was due to my response to the question List All Dependents :: 2.5 million unemployed, Gawd knows how many on benefits, 1 million illegal immigrants, approx 1.5 million drug addicts and dealers, 6 million public employees, 88,000+ people in overcrowded prisons, 87 useless and conniving MEPs and their 1200+ associates, 650 thieving Members of Parliament, 650 parasitic Lords, one totally useless Prime Minister and his 100+ aides and advisors, an equally totally useless deputy PM and his retinue.... Evidently I have left someone out, so if anyone knows can you let me know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 I've just picked up my copy of the 'Chelsea FC Official Calendar 2013'. It has a different manager for every month. steve 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
gazmanjack Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 Come to think of it, what is the stuff from NSW? Matt. You don't really want to know, but it is unfortunate that the brewery advertising agencies are constantly bombarding us in New South Wales with XXXX ads and VB ads... Atleast they ain't bombarding us with West End ads...! Cheers, Gary. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike J Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 Liverpool FCs plan to ruin Chelsea FC by sending them Fernando Torres and Rafa Benitez seems to be working a treat! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted December 2, 2012 RMweb Premium Share Posted December 2, 2012 Liverpool FCs plan to ruin Chelsea FC by sending them Fernando Torres and Rafa Benitez seems to be working a treat! True, but somehow it doesn't appeared to have helped Liverpool one little bit! At 7 points behind us you have a lot of catching up to do, then a few more points to catch those clubs from the other end of the L&M Railway. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted December 2, 2012 RMweb Gold Share Posted December 2, 2012 You don't really want to know, but it is unfortunate that the brewery advertising agencies are constantly bombarding us in New South Wales with XXXX ads and VB ads... Atleast they ain't bombarding us with West End ads...! Cheers, Gary. Is Toohey's still going? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
JZ Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 Is Toohey's still going? Yes indeed. Producing 300m litres per year, equal to about 13litres per head. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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