How to get lynched at a model railway show

[MarkC]

11 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said:

 

With a model of Fawlty Towers?

 

Indeed so; just don't mention the War...

[KeithMacdonald]

12 hours ago, PhilJ W said:

The layout will be somewhere in East Anglia with mountains on the backscene

 

Next to a road with a sign that says:

"A12(M) to The Netherlands (via Doggerland)

Caution - road liable to flooding"

[Jol Wilkinson]

II believe it is important not to overdo the subtlety of inaccuracies but make them reasonably obvious.

 

As someone to whom diesels are a mystery, then whether this blue livery diesel ran with that type of BR carriage or wagon wouldn't be obvious. However, the East Anglian branch line with a GWR livery pannier tank alongside a LMS  Jinty and a BR DMU would quickly dispel any sense of realism and make me wonder about the builder/operator's intelligence. And yes, I have seen such a layout, which featured well modelled regional architecture that gave it a good sense of location. I was too dispirited to say anything.

[Gilbert]

2 hours ago, MarkC said:

Indeed so; just don't mention the War...

I did but I think I got away with it...

[Steven B]

1 hour ago, Jol Wilkinson said:

However, the East Anglian branch line with a GWR livery pannier tank alongside a LMS  Jinty and a BR DMU would quickly dispel any sense of realism and make me wonder about the builder/operator's intelligence. And yes, I have seen such a layout, which featured well modelled regional architecture that gave it a good sense of location.

 

Are you sure it wasn't a model of the North Norfolk Railway on a steam gala weekend?

 

 

Steven B.

[KeithMacdonald]

45 minutes ago, Gilbert said:

I did but I think I got away with it...

 

Don't tell them your name Gilbert!

[2750Papyrus]

If it is set in East Anglia, I hope there will be a narrow gauge feeder with a double Fairlie and slate wagons.

[KeithMacdonald]

39 minutes ago, Steven B said:

Are you sure it wasn't a model of the North Norfolk Railway on a steam gala weekend?

 

And if not, why not? 😃

 

Taff Vale Railway Class 02, GWR 5600 Class,  BR Standard 5 No. 73156 (Neasden shed) and D7628 (Cricklewood shed) were acceptable on the North Yorkshire Moors Railway, and probably a few Hymeks and Warships as well.

 

Rule #1

[KeithMacdonald]

e.g.

https://www.nymr.co.uk/southern-railways-schools-4-4-0-no-30926-repton

and

https://www.nymr.co.uk/sr-west-country-class-4-6-2-34101-hartland

[Chris M]

I’m going to be daring at the Stafford show. I’m going to run a brake van railtour which would be fine for the early 60s, but I’m going to run it along the main line!

I’ll keep on ear open for comments about how wrong this is. My retort will be that the tour is merely travelling between two freight only lines. 

[Jol Wilkinson]

5 hours ago, Steven B said:

 

Are you sure it wasn't a model of the North Norfolk Railway on a steam gala weekend?

 

 

Steven B.

Definitely not. This had a harbour (something neither Sheringham nor Holt do have), and Essex weatherboard cottages, rather than Norfolk flint.

[CameronL]

5 hours ago, 2750Papyrus said:

If it is set in East Anglia, I hope there will be a narrow gauge feeder with a double Fairlie and slate wagons.

Or a  Bagnall Meyer pulling a load of sugar cane?

[F-UnitMad]

4 hours ago, Chris M said:

I’m going to be daring at the Stafford show. I’m going to run a brake van railtour which would be fine for the early 60s, but I’m going to run it along the main line!

I’ll keep on ear open for comments about how wrong this is. My retort will be that the tour is merely travelling between two freight only lines. 

Actually that sounds perfectly reasonable to me. How or where would enthusiasts embark on a Brake Van Special, on a Freight Only branch anyway?? I don't know, but I assume these workings started from passenger stations, which might well be on the main line?

[KeithMacdonald]

4 hours ago, Chris M said:

I’m going to run a brake van railtour which would be fine for the early 60s, but I’m going to run it along the main line!

 

Preferably and either:

• Down the Up line, or
• Up the Down line, or
• Both

[Ducking Giraffe]

The Rivet Police have powers to enter your home and check your layout for heinous crimes.

Like Train Racing.

I know, I was that man, got done and sent down for 7 years hard modelling at Skaledale Model Prison.. Got out in 2 but that is a another story....

 

Part 1.

Early one morning I was rudely awakened to a loud banging on the front door. I went down  in my dressing gown and slippers and opened the front door. I was confronted by two swarthy men apparently dressed in in 1970’s British Rail inspector uniforms. They were very polite. Too polite. 

 

“Good morning sir we have received reports of less than model behaviour at this address.” 

“What kind of behaviour?”.

“ Well I'd rather not discuss it on the doorstep if that's ok with you.” 

I looked across the street and saw the curtains twitching. One of the inspectors followed my gaze.

“Friend of yours is he sir?”

“No that's Eric at number 52, he's an N gauge nutter.” 

“I’m afraid we don't use the n-word any more now sir, it's now a nutter modelling using a reduced track gauge.” 

I showed them in. 

 

“Yes, we've received Credible and True reports of Tracing at this address.” 

“Tracing?” I asked, with as much surprise as I could muster.

“Yes, very nasty. Train racing. Two trains are on separate tracks. Going in the same direction. And you see which one is faster. ” 

“I've no idea what you're talking about officer!” I blustered

“I think we better see your layout if you don't mind . Is it in the loft, spare room or shed? I think it's in the shed isn't it sir?”.

“How do you know that?” 

“Well it has a rather large green British Rail totem sign saying STEVE’S TRAIN SHED on it so that was a bit of a giveaway. I've been on a course you know.”

 

Grudgingly I led them to the shed and let them in. They both let out a low whistle and scratched their heads. 

 

“Does your wife know how much all this cost sir?”

 

I was having none of this. I'd dealt with officious little oiks like him before. I drew myself up to my full height. " I'll have you know Inspector...." ( I looked at his badge.) " ...'Bat Guano', if that really is your name, that it’s all legitimate and paid for. May I point out the parliamentary expenses committee were very understanding and approved the cost IN FULL, so no need to concern yourself there."

 

My smugness was short-lived.

 

“Ah-Ha!” he said , pointing to the controller ”A classic indication of train racing if you ask me. I notice it's an analogue DC layout but the twin track controller has both switches in the forward position where I’d expect one to be in forward, one to be in reverse if the trains to be going round in opposite directions."

 

 

He looked around.

“Well well we have been busy here, so can you explain that?” He jabbed a stubby finger at the track. 

“Yes that's track underlay” I said “what's the problem?”

“Yes but it's foam underlay and it’ll crumble - in 10 years you'll be ripping it off again and doing it properly!”

 

“But it was quicker than cork, glue and granite chippings”

“Quicker? Quicker? In some sort of hurry are we sir? On the Great Railway Challenge are we sir?   Trying to get the layout done for Christmas are we sir?”

 

“And what have we here, a Blue Pullman 1960 to ‘73 next to a Eurostar 1994 to 2017!”

“It looks like we've been mixing our eras haven't we sir.” 

 

“And this.  An Evening Star resplendent in BR green. So what can you tell me about the Evening Star sir? 

“It was the last steam engine made for British Rail in 1960?"

"Precisely sir,  and there was only one of them, so how come you've got two on your layout? I suppose you're going to give me some weak excuse about one being tender driven and the other being loco driven  are you?” 

“Well yes, I was going to sell the slower one on  eBay when I got round to it” 

“That's what they all say.” 

 

 

Another item caught his eye.

“A very nice 1970’s HST train in original BR blue sir”.

His expression changed to a frown.

“Oh dear oh dear the buffet car appears to be next to a power car, not in the middle where it should be, so the passengers have to walk all the way down the train to get something to eat! Also we seem to have mixed Eastern and Western region mk3 coaches. In the same train?

"They were a snip on eBay... " I meekly muttered. 

 

My heart sank as he uncoupled an HST power car from the rest of the train and deftly removed the body. I knew I should have screwed it down. Having removed the body his expression turned darker.

 

“Oh dear sir we appear to have have a digital DCC sound chip. And a loudspeaker. And it's running on an analogue layout with no chance of the benefits of DCC digital control or getting the sound to work! ” 

 

He replaced the loco body and turned to me with a look of fury. 

“Preverts  like you make me sick, you pretend you’re all in with the latest technology and DCC chips and sound and pay lip service to finescale modelling but underneath it all you're just playing trains. You self identify as a model railway enthusiast but you're really not taking this whole modelling thing seriously are you?” 

 

He turned to his sergeant.

“I think we’re looking at a 5 to 6 stretch here. Worst case I’ve seen this year. Better take him down the station.” 

 

“Is that Paddington Green?” I asked.

 

“No he's a light brown bear colour actually, but that's not important right now.”

 

“Can I pack a few things, maybe a R214 gravity ore unloading set, a bag of plastic coal and small oval of track?” 

 

“No, you won’t need that where you’re going.. Get yer trousers on sunshine,  YOU'RE NICKED!"

 

 

[KeithMacdonald]

21 minutes ago, F-UnitMad said:

How or where would enthusiasts embark on a Brake Van Special, on a Freight Only branch anyway?

 

How about one Brave Van at a time, reversing into a tiny Loading Dock to pickup a few enthusiasts? With a lot of shunting to pick up each of the other Brave Vans in turn, gradually making a daisy-chain of the loaded vans. All to bemuse and befuddle the audience, preferably with a TTTE "peep-peep" sound effect before and after every manourvre.

[KeithMacdonald]

@Ducking Giraffe  - welcome, welcome and thrice welcome! 😄

[009 micro modeller]

14 hours ago, MyRule1 said:

You should not use the cliché of a treacle mine as these are prototypical for that particular geographic area.

Well I suppose digging sugar beets out the ground in Suffolk is a sort of treacle mining. But what about a Garratt hauling the sugar beet wagons? After all, there’s at least three of them in neighbouring Norfolk (one at Bressingham, two at Wells & Walsingham).

[kevinlms]

16 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said:

 

I fear that the builders who are building our new house have exactly the same ball shyte excuse explanation in mind, for all the walls, windows and doors that are out-of-alignment.

Yes, but did you SPECIFY in the contract that these items were meant to be straight and true? You only have yourself to blame if you didn't.

[F-UnitMad]

Huh - 'Tracing' is for lightweights. 🙄😝

May I share a Masterclass in giving the EBCR an almost fatal collective heart attack, and at the same time it takes number one spot in KTRC.

Gentlemen I present G Scale Train Drifting....

 

[ColinK]

15 hours ago, Chris M said:

I’m going to be daring at the Stafford show. I’m going to run a brake van railtour which would be fine for the early 60s, but I’m going to run it along the main line!

I’ll keep on ear open for comments about how wrong this is. My retort will be that the tour is merely travelling between two freight only lines. 

Nothing wrong with that. The model railway club I’m a member of had a brake van special in the early 1980s.  What’s more, for the first part of the day the brake vans were attached to a freight train. For the second part the bake vans were double headed by a class 25 and a 40 - quite some acceleration.

 

[Phil Bullock]

First preserved diesel main line tour IIRC was Cider Queen on brake vans from Hereford to Moreton on Lugg.

 

Diverted via Abbotswood Junction of course….😀

[KeithMacdonald]

On 20/09/2022 at 08:53, TEAMYAKIMA said:

What occurs to me is that an awful lot of 'average' modellers probably do run these sort of trains on their home layouts at that's absolutely fine, but it then suggests to me that the layouts we see at the 'big shows' are not representative of the hobby overall. 

 

Cor blimey! Makes yer sick dunnit? All these "Big Show" boys, telling us the general public what to do,  but in the privacy of their own homes, oh dear, what naughty things they get up to!  Makes yer wonder, are they politicians or bishops as well?

[KeithMacdonald]

For the next round of the ongoing KTRC -v- EBCR contest, I am preparing a special entry for the "The glaring inaccuracy which went totally unremarked for the entire duration of the show" category.

 

It's a SR Banana Van, Diagram 1479, based on a Ratio 541 or Parkside Models PC541 kit.

 

But with the wrong number of planks.

 

[Chris M]

4 hours ago, F-UnitMad said:

Huh - 'Tracing' is for lightweights. 🙄😝

May I share a Masterclass in giving the EBCR an almost fatal collective heart attack, and at the same time it takes number one spot in KTRC.

Gentlemen I present G Scale Train Drifting....

 

Ridiculous! Actually doing that sort of thing is bad enough, but to make a video as well. Just so wrong.

 

I hope this idiot hasn’t made any other videos….