The Forum Jokes Thread

[jcm@gwr]

Was she from Brazil?

[Adams442T]

A tortoise comes into a Police Station and complains that he's been mugged by two snails.

 

The Desk Sergeant says, "Did you have a description of them?"

 

The tortoise says, "No, I'm sorry.  It all happened so fast..............................."

[Horsetan]

Was she from Brazil?

*looks at tonight's scoreline*

 

She must be if she kicks off every five minutes....

[jcm@gwr]

Not sure if you got my point there Horsetan!

 

Fanny Barber,

Brazilian? 

 

Maybe I shouldn't try to be so subtle. 

 

Jeff

 

P.S. I appear to have lost the ability to 'quote' replies.

[Downendian]

Calculate the volume of an Italian bread based meal of radius=z and height=a.

=pizza.

[Coombe Barton]

A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, 
a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an 
Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, 
a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a 
Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a 
Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri 
Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a 
Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a 
Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an 
Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a 
Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a 
Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a 
Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an 
Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, 
a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian,

a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, 
a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a 
Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an 
Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.
"You can't come in here without a Thai".

[BoD]

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, a bear, two giraffes, a white horse, a small newt and a 12" pianist walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some sort of joke?"

[andytrains]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, discussing how stupid their wives are.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £250 worth of meat because it was on special offer and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says, "My is thicker. Last last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car and she doesn't know how to drive."

The Irishman nods and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

He still thinks his wife is dumber. "It kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife just left to go on a holiday in Greece and I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a pen1s!"

Edited July 10, 2014 by andytrains

[bluebottle]

A Scotsman,   ...   etc   ...

...   walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai".

 

 

Posted 19 April 2012 - 18:41 by AndyB (Page 29, post720)

 

A Maltese,  ...   etc.   ... walk into a fine restaurant.

 

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

 

I'll sit back and wait to hear which page of the topic this joke first appeared. It must have done by now!

 

You have that honour, Andy! 

Edited July 11, 2014 by bluebottle

[raymw]

search at top of page - 19th April 2012 (and again 12th August)

[Enterprisingwestern]

A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, 

a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an 

Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, 

a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a 

Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a 

Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri 

Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a 

Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a 

Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an 

Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a 

Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a 

Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a 

Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an 

Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, 

a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian,

a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, 

a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a 

Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an 

Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Tie".

 

Sorry.

 

Mike.

[PGC]

Thought of the day

 

When I’m sad I always try to cheer myself up by singing.

 

It turns out that most of the time my voice is worse than my problems.

[PGC]

A very devout, Catholic lady arrived home and surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture.  So, she holds up a hand and says: "ACTS 2:38!!!"

 

The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady:

 

"How did you do this?"

 

The woman replied:"  I quoted scripture."

 

The cop turned the burglar: "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?"

 

The burglar replied: "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's."

[PGC]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...and those who don't.               

                                                                                             

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria...

 

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) - bacteria  found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

 

So remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.

 

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh1t.

 

Oh, and there is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service. 

[PGC]

You just can't keep Little Jonny down!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

The former nursery children were trying to become accustomed to their new primary school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. You need to use "big people words", she'd always remind them.

 

She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nanna"

"No, Wendy, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Remember, you must use big people words!"

 

She then asked Joey what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo." he said.

"No, Joey, the teacher corrected him gently, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Again, you must remember to use big people words!"

 

She then asked Little Jonny what he had done.

Fearihg the worst from his reply, she was pleasantly shocked when he replied "I read a book".

"That's wonderful" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Little Jonny thought about it, puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie The Sh1t."

[bluebottle]

An anecdote I heard Paul Gambaccini deliver on the radio a few years ago:

 

Despite deteriorating eyesight, the classical pianist Arthur Rubinstein continued to play in public into his eighties.

One of his most memorable performances was a charity concert with an audience including many of Hollywood's best-known names, at the end of which he received tumultuous applause and shouts of “Encore!”

Rubinstein shook his head sadly: “I'm sorry, I can't play any more. I can't see the keys.” - A moment of great pathos, followed by more, sympathetic, applause.

Later, the foyer was filled with movie stars to applaud the pianist as he came down the grand staircase, and Lauren Bacall stepped forward to cry “Maestro!” Taking her hand, Rubinstein said: “My dear, my eyes may be failing, but I can't help but be aware of your sublime beauty”.

 

“Isn't that marvellous?” concluded Gambaccini: “Eighty-five years old, and still pulling!”

[jcm@gwr]

OXO are bringing out a new product.

 

The packaging is white with a red cross.

 

They are calling it laughing stock.

[steve1]

This one's for Judge Dread:

 

 

steve

[Stanley Melrose]

A very long time ago when I was first married we lived in a very rural spot miles from any shops of any kind.  One day a fuse in a table lamp blew and I quickly wrapped the fuse in a strip of silver paper to get the light working until I could buy a replacement fuse which I did and thought that was the end of it.  Some while later another table lamp suddenly started to smoke and the flex covering began to melt. I dashed to switch off the power and opened the plug to find the fuse wrapped in silver paper.  My still new wife looked astonished as I wondered somewhat vehemently how this fuse had ended up wrapped in silver paper.  Her ingenuous response was that it was such a good idea she had gone round the house wrapping all the fuses in silver paper . . .

[N15class]

A very long time ago when I was first married we lived in a very rural spot miles from any shops of any kind.  One day a fuse in a table lamp blew and I quickly wrapped the fuse in a strip of silver paper to get the light working until I could buy a replacement fuse which I did and thought that was the end of it.  Some while later another table lamp suddenly started to smoke and the flex covering began to melt. I dashed to switch off the power and opened the plug to find the fuse wrapped in silver paper.  My still new wife looked astonished as I wondered somewhat vehemently how this fuse had ended up wrapped in silver paper.  Her ingenuous response was that it was such a good idea she had gone round the house wrapping all the fuses in silver paper . . .

It is a kind of logic, they looked prettier too

[Horsetan]

My son asked me last night what first attracted me to his mother.

"That's easy, son," I replied. "Alcohol."

[BOARD OF TRADE]

Did you know that Beer(and indeed all alcohic beverages) contain a high level of female hormones?

Which is why,after 8 pints you start talking sh*te and can't park the car ! 

[andytrains]

Did you know that Beer(and indeed all alcohic beverages) contain a high level of female hormones?

Which is why,after 8 pints you start talking sh*te and can't park the car ! 

Must be right as 8 pints seems to make all women attractive, even the old growlers!

[DonBradley]

One also needs to pee sitting down

[JZ]

Must be right as 8 pints seems to make all women attractive, even the old growlers!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RY8YeLErbEg