RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted April 5, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted April 5, 2018 I asked my doctor for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite. Come back Sir Ken, all is forgiven! Mike. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted April 5, 2018 Share Posted April 5, 2018 The Pope on a visit to the UK had a rough week of meeting Politicians so he decided to go the seaside in Margate. When he arrived in his Pope mobile, he saw a man struggling for his life against a shark. Upon a closer look he noticed that it was Jeremy Corbyn. Horrified, he started to call for help when a speedboat pulled up alongside Mr. Corbyn, with Theresa May and Boris Johnson on board. Theresa May leant over and pulled him out. Then Theresa May and Boris Johnson beat the shark to death with baseball bats. They noticed the Pope and landed the boat on the beach. The Pope said to them, "I know there have been a lot of disagreements between your parties, but I can see that you respect and help each other in their hour of need. You have my blessings." The Pope then drove off. Theresa asked, "Who was that?" Boris said "That was the Pope Prime Minister, he is all knowing, in touch with God and Leader of the Catholic Church". Theresa May said, "Well that's all very well but clearly he knows nothing about shark fishing. How’s the bait holding up?" Brit15 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted April 5, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 5, 2018 While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman driving who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, “but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!” "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile unbuttoning her blouse . "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danemouth Posted April 5, 2018 Share Posted April 5, 2018 While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. [Cut] You've already posted this one in #6677 Dave 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Dagworth Posted April 5, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted April 5, 2018 You've already posted this one in #6677 Dave Don't tell me, the poor woman has been sat in that ditch for a fortnight... Andi 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted April 5, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 5, 2018 You've already posted this one in #6677 Dave Don't tell me, the poor woman has been sat in that ditch for a fortnight... Andi Sorry about that chaps , I did look back but could'nt see it or remember posting it . 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jinty3f Posted April 5, 2018 Share Posted April 5, 2018 You've already posted this one in #6677 Dave But isn’t this post only 6663? Maybe it was a future post ......damn, now I am even more confused Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted April 5, 2018 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted April 5, 2018 Heard that one at the time travellers convention next week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted April 5, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 5, 2018 Don't tell me, the poor woman has been sat in that ditch for a fortnight... Andi Further to the apology , Andi , I did say she was attractive with nice assets . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Co-tr-Paul Posted April 5, 2018 Share Posted April 5, 2018 I blame the concussion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Co-tr-Paul Posted April 5, 2018 Share Posted April 5, 2018 Heard that one at the time travellers convention next week. I did but decided not to go..... . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted April 5, 2018 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted April 5, 2018 I did but decided not to go..... . We missed you but it was good to see you back again at the next one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted April 5, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 5, 2018 We missed you but it was good to see you back again at the next one. At least it doesn't matter if you forgot to go, just dial up the right date & bingo! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 My wife said to me... Hang on I have forgotten... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 I asked my doctor for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite. ...there was a big axe on his desk, I asked him what it was for, he replied Splitting headaches!! Jim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
graeme3300 Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 Two hydrogen atoms were walking down the street. One says, "Damn! I just lost an electron!" The other asks, "Are you sure?" "Yes," says the first. "I'm positive!" A neutron walks into a bar. Neutron: "How much for a beer?" Barman: "For you, sir, no charge!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted April 6, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 6, 2018 Don't trust atoms - they make up everything. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Ian J. Posted April 6, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 6, 2018 Don't trust atoms - they make up everything. They're very particle-ular about it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 A policewoman stopped me as I was trying to walk home after a good session in the pub. "You're staggering" she said. "Thanks" I replied. "You're rather good looking yourself". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 A policewoman stopped me as I was trying to walk home after a good session in the pub. "You're staggering" she said. "Thanks" I replied. "You're rather good looking yourself". Has the joke already been posted about when she said "Anything you say will be taken down as evidence"... & I said "Knickers"... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted April 6, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted April 6, 2018 Has the joke already been posted about when she said "Anything you say will be taken down as evidence"... & I said "Knickers"... That joke was laughed at by the boys when I was in primary school. You'd think they would have grown up by now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 (edited) If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully. A friend has just spent £85, plus postage, on a pen*s enlarger. Seller sent him a magnifying glass. The only instructions were, "Do not use in sunlight." Brit15 Edited April 6, 2018 by APOLLO 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted April 7, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted April 7, 2018 The flood is over and the ark has landed. "Go forth and multiply," Noah tells the animals.A few months later, he decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "Please, Noah," say the snakes, "we need you to cut down some trees for us.""No problem," says Noah. He cuts down a few trees and goes home scratching his head. A few weeks later he gets curious and come back to check on the snakes. They now have lots of little snakes and everyone is happy. "What happened?" he asks them."We are adders," the snakes explain. "So we need logs to multiply." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted April 7, 2018 Share Posted April 7, 2018 That joke was laughed at by the boys when I was in primary school. You'd think they would have grown up by now. No chance!! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Intercity125 Posted April 7, 2018 Share Posted April 7, 2018 I was driving my car the other day when I crashed into a ditch and was trapped inside. Two families stopped. One called the Smiths, the other called the Balls. Luckily I was dragged out by the Smiths..................... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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