jcm@gwr Posted May 1, 2018 Share Posted May 1, 2018 Workers at the Royal Mint are on strike. They're not making enough money! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted May 1, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 1, 2018 The Bank Queue A customer walks into a bank, and joins a 10-deep queue to see a teller.Finally, he gets served.Teller: How can I help you?Customer: I wish to speak to the Manager, Mr Jones.Teller: Look, I'm sorry, that is impossible. We are all sad here - Mr Jones died recently.Customer: Oh.---With that, the customer walked away from the teller, and rejoined the same queue, now with 12 others in it.When it was finally his turn again ...Teller: How can I help you?Customer: I wish to speak to the Manager, Mr Jones.Teller: Look, I told you 15 minutes ago - Mr Jones has died, so you can't see him.Customer: Oh.---With that, the customer walked away from the teller, and rejoined the same queue, now for the third time.When it was finally his turn again ...Teller: How can I help you now?Customer: I wish to speak to the Manager, Mr Jones.The teller is now a now a little irritated ...Teller: Why do you keep asking that same question? Mr Jones has died.Customer: I just like hearing it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
pH Posted May 2, 2018 Share Posted May 2, 2018 (edited) Funny that the person we talk to most often in our bank branch is Mr. Kevin Martin. (True!) Edited May 2, 2018 by pH 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted May 2, 2018 Share Posted May 2, 2018 There used to be a prank that did the rounds at a company near Edinburgh that I worked for, the victim would come back to his desk to find a note left: "Can you please call Mr C. Lyons on 0131 334 9171 urgently". 0131 334 9171 is the number for Edinburgh Zoo, they must be sick of getting these calls! Jim 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted May 2, 2018 Share Posted May 2, 2018 True story (so I am told). Years ago Birkenhead / Walasey corporation ordered some new buses. The manufacturer phoned the council enquiring as to what colour to paint them. "See Green" was the reply i.e. speak to Mr Green. And that's why the Birkenhead / Walasey corporation buses were painted a sea green colour !! Brit15 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stanley Melrose Posted May 2, 2018 Share Posted May 2, 2018 Way back when if you dialled OBSCENITY you got the toll booth on I think it was the Clifton Suspension Bridge. When you started to say, "Did you know that if . . . " the phone was slammed down. Stan Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted May 2, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 2, 2018 Funny that the person we talk to most often in our bank branch is Mr. Kevin Martin. (True!) Funny you should say that. Probably about 25 years ago, within a period of about 2 months, I came across 2 Kevin Martin's as customers. Never met another one, before or since. What are the odds of that, considering how common Martin is as a surname? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted May 2, 2018 Share Posted May 2, 2018 As a mature student at Sheffield University in the '70s, I usually found myself sitting at lunch with a small group belonging to the Godsoc . One day one of them told us about his learning to ski on a lake in Canada, and of the more expert skiers who could ski barefoot. IIRC, they'd wear a padded wetsuit that gave them enough buoyancy to lie on their backs in the water while the towboat steadily gained speed until they could hoist themselves up to the appropriate angle. Another of the lads responded: "Well, that explains Christ walking on the water - the boat was doing thirty miles an hour at the time!" 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted May 2, 2018 Share Posted May 2, 2018 Sad News, Yesterday, the man who invented predictive text has pi ssed away. His funfair will be next monkey. Brit15 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted May 2, 2018 Share Posted May 2, 2018 Sad News, Yesterday, the man who invented predictive text has pi ssed away. His funfair will be next monkey. Brit15 Seen that one before. It's becomin' predictable Ah, yes, I failed to spot that one, DM - that joke, admittedly with variations, had previous on this thread - four sightings! I am, therefore, pleased to award Apollo a Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Co-tr-Paul Posted May 3, 2018 Share Posted May 3, 2018 Genuine conversation in messroom yesterday : Where are the hst windscreens now ? In the storeroom by the roller doors on the left. In a rack ? What the heck does Sadamm want with hst bits ? !! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted May 3, 2018 Share Posted May 3, 2018 Genuine conversation in messroom yesterday : Where are the hst windscreens now ? In the storeroom by the roller doors on the left. In a rack ? What the heck does Sadamm want with hst bits ? !! Is it possible for the dead to want stuff? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
St. Simon Posted May 3, 2018 Share Posted May 3, 2018 Genuine conversation in messroom yesterday : Where are the hst windscreens now ? In the storeroom by the roller doors on the left. In a rack ? What the heck does Sadamm want with hst bits ? !! Weapons of mass transportation! Simon Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted May 4, 2018 Share Posted May 4, 2018 Can you create Holy Water by boiling the hell out of it? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted May 4, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 4, 2018 Can you create Holy Water by boiling the hell out of it? Hoy Water? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted May 4, 2018 Share Posted May 4, 2018 Hoy Water? Only at Christmas. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted May 4, 2018 Share Posted May 4, 2018 Can you call a vegetarian bodybuilder a beefcake? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted May 4, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 4, 2018 Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war? ... usually attributed to the Revd. William Spooner, Warden of New College Oxford. It is said that this sort of mental confusion was more characteristic of his conversation than was the spoonerism itself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted May 5, 2018 Share Posted May 5, 2018 I just had a rugby pie, it was scrummy, in a league of it's own! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted May 5, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 5, 2018 Following the merger of Sainsbury's and Asda Marks & Spencer are to merge with Poundstretchers. The new company is to be called Stretchmarks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Storey Posted May 5, 2018 Share Posted May 5, 2018 QVC are merging with Hattons. The name for the new company will be "Things You Actually Need". 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium ColinK Posted May 5, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 5, 2018 Peco are to merge with SCS - everything for the armchair modeller. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Welchester Posted May 6, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 6, 2018 ... usually attributed to the Revd. William Spooner, Warden of New College Oxford. It is said that this sort of mental confusion was more characteristic of his conversation than was the spoonerism itself. It is said that once when seeing his wife off at Oxford Station, he tipped her and kissed the porter. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted May 6, 2018 Share Posted May 6, 2018 When I was younger, I remember my girlfriend invited me round while her parents were out! I rushed round, full of anticipation, and after a bit of fumbling about, finally got my hand inside her bra, what a disappointment! She wasn't too impressed either, when she came back into the room! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted May 7, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 7, 2018 When I was younger, I remember my girlfriend invited me round while her parents were out! I rushed round, full of anticipation, and after a bit of fumbling about, finally got my hand inside her bra, what a disappointment! She wasn't too impressed either, when she came back into the room! Why? Was her sister wearing them at the time? 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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