The Forum Jokes Thread

[Titan]

G'Day Folks

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

my bird is Khmer/Vietnamese and pissed herself at that lol

 

Don't know that one, what's the plumage like !!!

 

manna

Similar to a Norwegian Blue.

[peter220950]

Where's the bloke with the coloured spraycans?

 

Peter

[luckymucklebackit]

Similar to a Norwegian Blue.

 

But does she pine for the Fjords (curiously I am writing this post in an Oslo Hotel Room, Haven't seen a parrot all day)  

[Mike Storey]

But does she pine for the Fjords (curiously I am writing this post in an Oslo Hotel Room, Haven't seen a parrot all day)  

 

They are extremely rare now. Most are pushing up the daisies.........etc etc.

[Titan]

I could sell you one. 

[kernowtim]

Ever tried archery blindfolded???

You don't know what you are missing...

[graeme3300]

A termite goes into a pub and asks,

 

"Where's the bartender?"

[F-UnitMad]

Despite my regular attempts to inject a little humour into regular threads - not to universal approval, natch - I have almost never posted on here, so risk my joke being well-known and hackneyed among the humourists, but here we go, anyway.

A little boy is growing up fast, and has realised that mummy is a rather different shape from daddy. So one day he asks daddy what are those big things are on mummy’s chest? Daddy is a bit stumped as to how to explain to one so young, but grasps the nettle thus:

“Well, son, those are mummy’s balloons. When mummy gets very old and dies, her balloons will inflate, and she will float up to heaven to be with God.”

Naturally the little lad is entirely satisfied with this and all is well. Until Sunday morning a few weeks later, when daddy is right down the bottom of the garden, digging away in the veg patch, and the little boy comes running to see him.

“Daddy, daddy! I think mummy’s dying!”

Unperturbed, daddy asks “Why do you think that, son?”

“Well, the milkman’s blowing up her balloons - and she’s saying ‘Oh, God - I’m coming!’”

The alternative version to that is when little Johnny asks his mummy about her chest, & she gives the explanation. Days later, he tells her that daddy was trying to stop the Au Pair from dying, by blowing up her balloons, but it wasn't working as she was saying 'oh god, I'm coming'...

[ColinK]

There is a huge joke at present in the North West, its called Northern. They really can’t run a train service. Large numbers of trains cancelled every day.

[Colin_McLeod]

Is "friendly/supportive" the new "disagree" ?

[Two_sugars]

Is "friendly/supportive" the new "disagree" ?

 

I use it as  a GROAN button.

 

 

John

[E3109]

Knowing who's behind Northern and my own past involvement with that company, I do have sympathy for those suffering their cancellations

I used to work for them (in its previous incarnation) and First North Western before that.

I left there without burning my bridges, thinking I might return some day. Loved working at my old depot, good lads/lasses who made the 100+ stops per day more than bearable.

Speaking to colleagues from my old depot of late, and they told me that's the LAST thing I ought to be considering.

It was explained to me that they'be been fed the changes on a drip-by-drip basis so they're accustomed to it, but if I were to return it would be a massive culture shock.

I suspect they're right.

 

I don't actually wanna go back now, too close to finishing my career full stop.

But that's put the top hat on it and if the new incarnation of Northern make FNW look good, then it really is time to bring in direct operation.

[Enterprisingwestern]

Where's the bloke with the coloured spraycans?

 

Peter

 

Banksie?

 

Mike.

[NorthBrit]

Two brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim's big wedding day.
'Aye, it's going to be grand,' said Jim. 'I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even my stag night.'
Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly.
'Heavens, I've even got a kilt to be married in,' continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.
'A kilt... that's good. You'll look smart in that,' exclaimed Finlay, 'and what's the tartan?'
'Och,' uttered Jim, 'I imagine she'll be in white.' 

[raymw]

Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make  love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

Edited May 24, 2018 by raymw

[BoD]

I found a fantastic I.T. Consultant who sorted out the new Data Protection rules for my business.

Unfortunately I can't tell you who it is.

[NorthBrit]

I have just had a physical.

 

 

 

The doctor said not to eat anything fatty.

 

 

 

"What no bacon or burgers," I said.

 

 

 

 

"No Fatty.  Don't eat anything."

[Tangoman69]

A van load of Father Ted dvds has been stolen .

Police said they have nothing to go on, go on, go on, go on, go on....

[APOLLO]

 

CRUMBling Britain !!

 

 

Brit15

Edited May 27, 2018 by APOLLO

[Phil Bullock]

Came home from work one evening last week and there on the worktop in the kitchen was a hen - and she was looking at a lettuce, tomato and cucumber.

 

Whats for dinner I asked SWMBO?

 

Its there on the worktop she said....

 

Chicken sees a salad....

 

Phil

[NorthBrit]

A very good friend of mine has bought tickets to fly to the Isle of Man to watch the race on Friday the 8th of June. The problem is, that he completely forgot that Friday is in fact, his wedding day. This is because he bought the tickets months ago, before agreeing to the wedding date. Now, he has asked me to post on his behalf to see if anyone wants to take his place? 
A great opportunity for someone to step in at no extra cost. 
The wedding is at 2pm and all paid for, you just need to show up and he assures me she'd make a good wife.

 

 

[Mike Storey]

 

A very good friend of mine has bought tickets to fly to the Isle of Man to watch the race on Friday the 8th of June. The problem is, that he completely forgot that Friday is in fact, his wedding day. This is because he bought the tickets months ago, before agreeing to the wedding date. Now, he has asked me to post on his behalf to see if anyone wants to take his place? 

A great opportunity for someone to step in at no extra cost. 

The wedding is at 2pm and all paid for, you just need to show up and he assures me she'd make a good wife.

 

 

 

 

Can she ride tandem??

[NorthBrit]

The Clyde Tunnel has been closed and the speed limit has been reduced:

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the Clyde tunnel approach recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis, it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry

[lankyphil]

*finds old Ouija board*

 

"I don't know guys, that stuff is dark--"

 

"What's the worst that could happen?"

 

"Spirits of the dead give us your message!"

 

W-E-H-A

 

"Guys--"

 

"Shut up"

 

W-E-H-A-V-E-U

 

"Guys--"

 

"Keep going"

 

W-E-H-A-V-E-U-P-D-A-T-E-D-O-U-R-P-R-I-V-A-C-Y-P-O-L-I-C-Y

[raymw]

 

 

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.

 

 

 

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

 

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'

 

 

 

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.

 

 

 

Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

 

 

 

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

 

 

 

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

 

 

 

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

 

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

 

 

 

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

 

 

 

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

 

 

 

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something! That was amazing!

 

 

 

How about a new Porsche or a Rolex?

 

 

 

Again Leroy said no.

 

 

 

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

 

 

 

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the Sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'