RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted May 7, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 7, 2018 When I was younger, I remember my girlfriend invited me round while her parents were out! I rushed round, full of anticipation, and after a bit of fumbling about, finally got my hand inside her bra, what a disappointment! She wasn't too impressed either, when she came back into the room! Could have been worse, she could have caught you trying it on for size. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted May 7, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted May 7, 2018 Could have been worse, she could have caught you trying it on for size. Perhaps jcm's crown jewels weren't that big. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted May 7, 2018 Share Posted May 7, 2018 Perhaps jcm's crown jewels weren't that big. Oi!, whatever you might have been told, I can assure you, it's all lies I tell you, lies! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted May 7, 2018 Share Posted May 7, 2018 Oi!, whatever you might have been told, I can assure you, it's all lies I tell you, lies! Don't knock it until you've tried it Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted May 7, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 7, 2018 1. The Jewish ELBOW A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ........ "What . . . You're coming empty handed?" ________________________________________ 2. Wise Italian Grandfather Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family. An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos." "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "? ____________________________________ 3. Irish Blonde... An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, .... but all men...are men! 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted May 8, 2018 Share Posted May 8, 2018 A couple of jokes I heard on my local radio station (BOB FM). Traffic report, a lorry transporting terrapins has collided with another lorry carrying a load of tortoises. A police spokeperson said "It's turtle chaos out there!" My mate was walking his dogs the other day and they just vanished. He doesn't know what happened to them. But he's got a couple of good leads! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamiel Posted May 9, 2018 Share Posted May 9, 2018 Can you call a vegetarian bodybuilder a beefcake? They probably wouldn't want to be called a 'nutcake'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clearwater Posted May 9, 2018 Share Posted May 9, 2018 They probably wouldn't want to be called a 'nutcake'. That would be a brave move to call them that in the first place! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold BoD Posted May 10, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted May 10, 2018 That would be a brave move to call them that in the first place! Ok then, call them fruitcakes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted May 10, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted May 10, 2018 IMG-20180428-WA0003.jpg That's a funny way to start a conversation! Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clearwater Posted May 10, 2018 Share Posted May 10, 2018 Ok then, call them fruitcakes. After you! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted May 11, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 11, 2018 I always find F5 very refreshing. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted May 11, 2018 Share Posted May 11, 2018 Love an F5! 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Co-tr-Paul Posted May 12, 2018 Share Posted May 12, 2018 BMW are recalling some 300,000 cars in the UK due to an electrical fault. The indicators have started working. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Storey Posted May 12, 2018 Share Posted May 12, 2018 BMW are recalling some 300,000 cars in the UK due to an electrical fault. The indicators have started working. Outstanding - best one so far this financial quarter. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted May 12, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 12, 2018 BMW are recalling some 300,000 cars in the UK due to an electrical fault. The indicators have started working. Outstanding - best one so far this financial quarter. I mentioned the BMW recall on the driving standards thread resulting in a lot of toys being thrown out of prams. A case of light blue touch paper and retire. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
lankyphil Posted May 12, 2018 Share Posted May 12, 2018 A weasel walks into a bar, the bartender says “I’ve never served a weasel before, what can I get you?” “Pop” goes the weasel 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted May 12, 2018 Share Posted May 12, 2018 I mentioned the BMW recall on the driving standards thread resulting in a lot of toys being thrown out of prams. A case of light blue touch paper and retire. Maybe while they're at it they should recall all BMWs, & try & remove that appalling stench of arrogance. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted May 12, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 12, 2018 I thought BMW stood for Badly Made Wreck! 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted May 13, 2018 Share Posted May 13, 2018 I thought BMW stood for Badly Made Wreck! It can stand for many things. As I'm married into a Jamaican family, I can say without being racist that they say BMW stands for Black Man's Wagon. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted May 13, 2018 Share Posted May 13, 2018 I thought BMW stood for Badly Made Wreck! Well FIAT stands for Fix it again Tony Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
great central Posted May 13, 2018 Share Posted May 13, 2018 I always thought BMW was Bleed*"g Mindless Wa***r and Ford was Fix or repair daily 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Titan Posted May 13, 2018 Share Posted May 13, 2018 Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Ian J. Posted May 13, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted May 13, 2018 Any Little Fix Accepted... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted May 13, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted May 13, 2018 I mentioned the BMW recall on the driving standards thread resulting in a lot of toys being thrown out of prams. A case of light blue touch paper and retire. But that's what makes it so much fun! Mike. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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