The Forum Jokes Thread

[Chris116]

6 hours ago, Steamport Southport said:

And people say modern TV is rubbish.....

 

 

 

At least then there was the choice of two channels or the off button. Now we have goodness knows how many channels and my wife doesn't seem to know there is an off button!

Edited May 6 by Chris116
Auto corrupt!

[Obi-Jiff Kenobi]

I saw Jimmy Carr live on stage the other day. Below are the edited highlights from his show, taking into account the warning at the top of the page about sexist, racist and religious jokes:

 

"Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr."

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience - good night!"

[steve1]

steve 

[The Johnster]

First time I ever saw Jimmy Carr on tv I thought there was something off about him, he made my flesh crawl instinctively.  I have to own that he is a superbly accomplished professional standup comic who has studied his craft hard and well; his academic knowledge of it is of a very high level.  But, he seem to me to be sleaze personified, and I do not have the impression that this is a persona, it's him.  Deeply unpleasant sexual innuendo, coupled with with arrogance and an overwhelming smugness, come-uppance long overdue.

 

I don't like 'im,

[Steamport Southport]

2 hours ago, Obi-Jiff Kenobi said:

I saw Jimmy Carr live on stage the other day. Below are the edited highlights from his show, taking into account the warning at the top of the page about sexist, racist and religious jokes:

 

"Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr."

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience - good night!"

 

That blank bit is still funnier than 99% of current comedians....

[KeithMacdonald]

20 hours ago, Chris116 said:

Now we have goodness knows how many channels and my wife doesn't seem to know there is an off button!

 

I'm a bit worried there's an implied joke there ... about turning your wife on .. but we don't want to upset the Mods do we?

Edited May 7 by KeithMacdonald

[Steamport Southport]

1 hour ago, The Johnster said:

First time I ever saw Jimmy Carr on tv I thought there was something off about him, he made my flesh crawl instinctively.  I have to own that he is a superbly accomplished professional standup comic who has studied his craft hard and well; his academic knowledge of it is of a very high level.  But, he seem to me to be sleaze personified, and I do not have the impression that this is a persona, it's him.  Deeply unpleasant sexual innuendo, coupled with with arrogance and an overwhelming smugness, come-uppance long overdue.

 

I don't like 'im,

 

Just comes off as "posh frat boy trying to be edgy".

 

Never goes down well around here. Also see Alan Davies, Marcus Brigstock, Stewart Lee and countless others that have totally bombed up here....

 

Rule number one. Don't be patronising to your audience. They are funnier than you!

[Chris116]

7 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said:

 

I'm a bit worried there's an implied joke there ... about turning your wife on .. but we don't want to upset the Mods do we?

Well I didn't even think of that joke so we will just have to blame someone's dirty mind!

[KeithMacdonald]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer b**bs, ya penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says,

"I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya f**king little w**kers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

[Dunsignalling]

On 07/05/2024 at 17:56, Steamport Southport said:

 

Just comes off as "posh frat boy trying to be edgy".

 

Never goes down well around here. Also see Alan Davies, Marcus Brigstock, Stewart Lee and countless others that have totally bombed up here....

 

Rule number one. Don't be patronising to your audience. They are funnier than you!

 

Nah, I just think he's unpleasant.

 

[sir douglas]

isnt it annoying when the screw keeps falling out

Edited May 10 by sir douglas

[Stray]

[Hroth]

13 hours ago, sir douglas said:

isnt it annoying when the screw keeps falling out

 

Or:

"We're thinking of converting this one to an Atlantic, the screw keeps falling out...."

 

[Jeremy Cumberland]

1 hour ago, Hroth said:

 

Or:

"We're thinking of converting this one to an Atlantic, the screw keeps falling out...."

 

A single, surely.

[Hroth]

1 hour ago, Jeremy Cumberland said:

A single, surely.

I was being optimistic...

So long as there's something to propel it, and something holding up the rear!

 

[Hibelroad]

16 hours ago, sir douglas said:

isnt it annoying when the screw keeps falling out

It is annoying but these Modelu figures are absolutely superb. 

[BR60103]

I was at the theatre today. I remembered a line I came up with for an announcement:

 

Intermission.  You married men will spend the next 20 minutes pretending you're not watching the door to the ladies' restroom.

You single men don't know what I'm talking about.

 

[CameronL]

7 hours ago, BR60103 said:

I was at the theatre today. I remembered a line I came up with for an announcement:

 

Intermission.  You married men will spend the next 20 minutes pretending you're not watching the door to the ladies' restroom.

You single men don't know what I'm talking about.

 

Staff at event venues can say some strange things. SWMBO and I used to big ice hockey fans, in the days when British ice hockey was worth watching and the Manchester Storm could get 14,000 fans into the MEN arena (now the AO). 

 

Because we always tried to get seats in the same place at the centre line, if we wanted interval refreshments we would always get them from the same outlet. This particular one had a member of staff who had just one joke he always had to use. If you bought the soup he'd serve it, place it in from of you and say "One Oasis soup." If asked why it was Oasis soup he'd place a bread roll next to it and say "You've got a roll with it." I lost count of the number of times I heard him say that.

 

One night I felt like having the soup, and it was presented to me with the same words. Having gone through the ritual and been given the roll, I said "Let's hope that once I've had it I Don't Look Back In Anger." 

 

If looks could kill I'd have been taken out of the arena in a bag. People who only have one joke don't like it when someone tops it.

 

 

[steve1]

steve 

[Hroth]

10 minutes ago, steve1 said:

steve 

 

Its what androids dream of...

 

[CameronL]

1 hour ago, steve1 said:

steve 

Must be a pre-nationalisation sheep. It's not in B-AA livery.

Edited May 12 by CameronL
Typo

[ian]

Which brings us neatly to...

 

 

 

[franciswilliamwebb]

2 hours ago, steve1 said:

steve 

 

Early trials of the self-heating kebab.

[F-UnitMad]

5 hours ago, steve1 said:

steve 

 

3 hours ago, CameronL said:

Must be a pre-nationalisation sheep. It's not in B-AA livery.

 

2 hours ago, franciswilliamwebb said:

 

Early trials of the self-heating kebab.

Steady on lads, we'll be incurring the wrath of our resident Sheep Bloke again. Like when I posted that I'd seen a sheep, pole dancing....

 

[J. S. Bach]

Nice, I just had a Greek gyro for lunch today at Arby's; not perfect but still better than non at all and many many, levels cheaper than going to Greece to get a real one. Please note that when I was stationed on the island of Crete, I had the opportunity to have one; many, many "ones" over a period of a year or so.! As I said, the Arby's version is decent enough.

Edited May 12 by J. S. Bach
To add some information, hit the save key too soon