The Forum Jokes Thread

[Colin_McLeod]

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'

The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'

The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.

[cromptonnut]

Don't forget, it's the AGM for the Weak Bladder Association this week.

 

If you can't make it, give us a tinkle.

[Liam]

Don't forget, it's the AGM for the Weak Bladder Association this week.

If you can't make it, give us a tinkle.

Oh that's a relief!

[Compound2632]

You really shouldn't mock the infirm like this. It's taking the p*$$.

[Jamiel]

Sorry if this has been shared here before (quite possibly by me), but a word search doesn't exactly find drawings and graphs.

[Colin_McLeod]

[34theletterbetweenB&D]

Don't forget, it's the AGM for the Weak Bladder Association this week...

 

 An old friend proposed an aid for that after watching a prog on assistant dogs for the disabled. Why not an excreting dog for the incontinent? Fortunately viagra hit the market shortly after his further proposal to handle another common dysfunction.

[M Graff]

[Colin_McLeod]

Never ever try and fool modern technology groupies. One day, in line at the company canteen, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample, and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten euro - a lot cheaper than a doctor.'

 

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it Tesco. He deposits ten euros and the computer lights up and asks for the urine

sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

 

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping at Tescos

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

 

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sample from himself for good measure.

 

Joe hurries back to Tesco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten euros, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

 

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

(Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant -- Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping Tesco!

[Jamiel]

From the 'Overheard in Waitrose' Facebook page.

[Jamiel]

Actually, what worries me is that I may have reached an age where both are equally appealing!

The quiche and the quickie, not the two people pictured!

Sorry to reply to my own post.

Edited June 21, 2018 by Jamiel

[Colin_McLeod]

Why not have both? (The quickie and the quiche) ;)

[Ian J.]

Why not have both? (The quickie and the quiche) ;)

 

At the same time...?

[steve1]

At the same time...?

That could get very messy...

 

steve

[Ian J.]

That could get very messy...

 

steve

 

I hear some people are into that sort of thing...  

[Jamiel]

A joke about football from the wonderful Mike Harding.
 

He was staying in a hotel when Germany beat England at football, a German guest said to him. ‘Ha, we beat you at your national game!’
 

Mike Harding replied. ‘Look mate, we beat you at yours, twice.’

Edited June 23, 2018 by Jamiel

[bluebottle]

A joke about football from the wonderful Mike Harding.

He was staying in a hotel when Germany beat England at football, a German guest said to him. ‘Ha, we beat you at your national game!’

Mike Harding replied. ‘Look mate, we beat you at yours, twice.’

 

When the late Tony Capstick was booked for a gig down south, the club organisers made the faux pas of booking him into a local hotel without a bar. Sober but ill-tempered, he became irritated by a prosperous-looking German man who was dominating the conversation in the lounge, and broke into the man's monologue...

"You're German, are you?

"Yes, that is so."

"My father used to go over to Germany on business."

"Oh, what business was he in?

"He was a bomb-aimer in a lancaster."

[chris p bacon]

While on a walking tour in Cologne, an older American lady asked why none of the buildings were older than 1950's. The Young German tour guide replied that they'd had the RAF inner city redevelopment team visit during the 40's.

 

It took the American about an hour to 'get it' at which point her husband said " I never married her for her brains"

[newbryford]

Waits for the repeat of why "English is the International language of flying" joke.............................#

 

Cheers,

Mick

[raymw]

along similar lines, from ten years ago -

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked
sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible.. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival
in France !"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.

Then, he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach
on, D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single
Frenchman to show a passport to.

[Enterprisingwestern]

When the late Tony Capstick was booked for a gig down south, the club organisers made the faux pas of booking him into a local hotel without a bar. Sober but ill-tempered, he became irritated by a prosperous-looking German man who was dominating the conversation in the lounge, and broke into the man's monologue...

"You're German, are you?

"Yes, that is so."

"My father used to go over to Germany on business."

"Oh, what business was he in?

"He was a bomb-aimer in a lancaster."

 

or,

"what business was he in?"

"making car parks for the British government."

 

Mike.

[kernowtim]

Whatever you do, don't mention the war...

[Colin_McLeod]

Am I on my own here?

 

I thought post 6867 was in bad taste but it seems to have been the cue for several war jokes. 6867 however implies that war is a "National game" for Germans. I know it was only a joke but I'm not sure most Germans would see that accusation as funny. ( not a cue for comments on German sense of humour)

 

I would not expect many laughs if I referred to "occupation and colonisation" as a British national sport for the same reason.

[chris p bacon]

Am I on my own here?

 

 Possibly Colin.

 

The anecdote I quoted came from a real event, the person making the quip was a young German.   I could also say about the time we visited Nuremburg and on another tour led by a mid 20's German student guide he revealed that he was awaiting a boxed set of 'Colditz' dramas, chatting to him he said liked the way the Brits made light or dramas of what were quite catastrophic events,  whereas his own parents & countrymen practically denied what had happened.

 

Any way .....back to the jokes...

[Colin_McLeod]

Not claiming any moral high ground. Just sticking my head above the parapet to express an opinion. Not sure what you mean when you say "by proxy"