NorthBrit Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 I bought a dog from our local blacksmith. As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door! Hat -- Coat etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnarcher Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 Be thankful you got that one. There are plenty more jokes against religion in my repertoire, some of which are pretty awful. Let's have some of the good ones, please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Sidecar Racer Posted September 3, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 3, 2018 On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...' He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. He said, 'Come here quick, you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!' The old man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk. When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord!’ Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter. Trying desperately to get a glimpse of the Lord, they finally heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts down by the fence and we'll be done...' They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 Proof that the sun really did shine out of Princess Di's backside... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Downendian Posted September 3, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted September 3, 2018 (edited) Patient : doctor I had a bad reaction when I applied that pile cream you prescribed me last week. Doctor : where did you apply it? Patient : on the 0730 to Waterloo Neil Edited September 3, 2018 by Downendian Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted September 3, 2018 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted September 3, 2018 I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted September 4, 2018 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted September 4, 2018 One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium ColinK Posted September 4, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 4, 2018 (edited) Today I was driving the local bus. Between trips I nipped to the cashpoint to get some money out. The was a one legged man with crutches using the machine. I waited for over 10 minutes while he was using it. Eventually I asked him what he was doing that took so long. He replied ‘just checking my balance’. Edited September 4, 2018 by ColinK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
34theletterbetweenB&D Posted September 5, 2018 Share Posted September 5, 2018 Peter is at his mythical station. First comes a banker "Well?" Peter asks. "I persuaded a woman to sleep with me for a zero interest loan and then welched on the deal." "Over there by the downstairs access chute." Next a car mechanic "Well?" Peter asks. "I persuaded a woman to sleep with me for a free car service and then welched on the deal." "Over there by the downstairs access chute." Next a plastic surgeon "Well?" Peter asks. "I persuaded a woman to sleep with me for a free enhancement and then welched on the deal." "Over there by the downstairs access chute." Next a priest "Well?" Peter asks. "I persuaded a woman to sleep with me for forgiveness and then welched on the deal." "Over there by the downstairs access chute." Next a solicitor "Well?" Peter asks. "I persuaded a woman to sleep with me for a free conveyance on a house and then welched on the deal." "Over there by the downstairs access chute." Next a dazzlingly attractive young woman "Well?" Peter asks. "I have killed loads of men by having umprotected sex with them knowing that I have an invariably fatal STD, but now I am really sorry." "Are you sure says Peter?" "Yes she says, in fact there's a group of them over there by the downstairs access chute." "Never mind, if you just slip into this room with me, you won't be going downstairs". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete S Posted September 6, 2018 Share Posted September 6, 2018 Seen on another railway forum.. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 . 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him: 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing. 'What do they say?' the priest asked They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment..... 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible... Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying.. That phrase...in no time.' 'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them... After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence... One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered. Brit15 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 Lol - literally Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted September 11, 2018 Share Posted September 11, 2018 A little while ago there were empires ruled by emperors. There were kingdoms ruled by kings. Now there are countries Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted September 12, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 12, 2018 A little while ago there were empires ruled by emperors. There were kingdoms ruled by kings. Now there are countries Counts? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 in a similar vein: If killing ones father is patricide and killing ones sister is sororicide, would killing (e.g.) Donald Trump be countryside? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. “This is the 21st century Dad”. she said. “ We don’t spend money on newspapers these days. Here, use my iPad.” I can tell you this.......... That xxxxxx fly didn’t know what hit him. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. “This is the 21st century Dad”. she said. “ We don’t spend money on newspapers these days. Here, use my iPad.” I can tell you this.......... That xxxxxx fly didn’t know what hit him. Reminds me of this advert... https://youtu.be/ksO35s3Bffc 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted September 13, 2018 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted September 13, 2018 And this one 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 Subject: EATING IN THE FIFTIES We remember those days EATING IN THE FIFTIES Pasta had not been invented. It was macaroni or spaghetti. Curry was a surname. Taco? Never saw one till I was 15. All chips were plain. Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking. Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh. Chickens didn't have fingers in those days. None of us had ever heard of yogurt. Healthy food consisted of anything edible! Cooking outside was called camping. Seaweed was not a recognized food. 'Kebab' was not even a word... never mind a food. Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold. Prunes were medicinal and stewed. Surprisingly Muesli was readily available. It was called cattle feed. Pineapples came in chunks or were round with a hole in the middle, in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one. Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than gasoline for it, they would have become a laughing stock. There were three things that we never ever had on/at our table in the fifties . . . elbows, hats and phones! and there was always two choices for each meal... "Take it" or "Leave it" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
N15class Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 Must of come from different places we had curry, yogurts, sugar was not good for us but good for preserving fruit. Gasoline, was unheard of until the recent British love affair with all things north American. Was and still is petrol in my mind. We even had an accelerator in our cars not a gas pedal. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Alex TM Posted September 13, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 13, 2018 There were three things that we never ever had on/at our table in the fifties . . . elbows, hats and phones! Hi, The fifties were before my time (I was raised in the late-sixties and seventies) but these three things applied to us too. Regards, Alex. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted September 14, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted September 14, 2018 A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital and she timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator responded, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the patient's name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal. And her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday." The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted September 14, 2018 Share Posted September 14, 2018 Viagra won’t make you James Bond, but it will make you roger mo(o)re. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted September 15, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted September 15, 2018 Another one doing the rounds via FB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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