The Forum Jokes Thread

[Baby Deltic]

[DavidB-AU]

12 hours ago, sir douglas said:

water pump gasket for a 1997 Toyota Tacoma

 

CLARKSON!!!

[PhilJ W]

10 hours ago, DavidB-AU said:

 

CLARKSON!!!

He always was a pr*ck.

[APOLLO]

 

Brit15

[Steamport Southport]

I thought that was a night in at the Depp household....

[Gibbo675]

15 minutes ago, APOLLO said:

 

Brit15

Hi There,

 

The best bit is that it reads as though it is a "2020 FACT" !!!

 

Gibbo.

[PhilJ W]

[Baby Deltic]

11 hours ago, APOLLO said:

 

Brit15

That’s the way to do it!

[Jamiel]

My money's on Sir Tom, unless 'Phil the Greek' comes in on the Queen's side.



Taken from Facebook as usual.

Edited July 18, 2020 by Jamiel

[Colin_McLeod]

Well HM has youth on her side but Sir Tom has done a lot of walking lately.  It could be a photo finish.

[jcredfer]

6 hours ago, Jamiel said:

My money's on Sir Tom, unless 'Phil the Greek' comes in on the Queen's side.



Taken from Facebook as usual.

 

Contest declared invalid and the outcome a fix.....!!

 

It's in the listing, where he is already named as "Sir" Tom, a title which could not be used until the contest had been contested and a result obtained.  Money will have been exchanged, on the grounds of a totally certain outcome, Ladbrookes and others will have to account for what previous knowledge they may well have been privy too.

 

Julian

 

[PhilJ W]

[Buhar]

8 hours ago, PhilJ W said:

Needed to say that to myself to understand it.

Alan 

[rocor]

3 hours ago, Buhar said:

Needed to say that to myself to understand it.

Alan 

 

I needed to google it , am having a cerebral sloth day .

[Steamport Southport]

You need to read it in a Californian accent.

[Hroth]

Took me a couple of minutes for it to click too.

 

 

[F-UnitMad]

I suppose modelling American outline, I had an advantage...

[Steamport Southport]

I take it people didn't watch CHiPs then?

 

 

 

"We're stopping you for speeding".

 

Just then there's a massive pile up or a crime somewhere else and they have to speed off....

[steve1]

1 hour ago, Steamport Southport said:

I take it people didn't watch CHiPs then?

 

 

 

"We're stopping you for speeding".

 

Just then there's a massive pile up or a crime somewhere else and they have to speed off....

 

No.

 

steve

[raymw]

 

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.  She spends $15,000 and looks and feels absolutely great about the results.

 

 

 

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.  Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?".

 

'About 32,' is the reply.'

 

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

 

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

 

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'  The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

 

Now she's feeling really good about herself.  She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

 

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

 

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

 

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.  It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.  Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

 

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.

 

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

 

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.  He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.  He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

 

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'

 

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

 

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

 

'I was behind you at McDonald's'

[J. S. Bach]

NOT the ending that I was expecting!!

[Enterprisingwestern]

On 16/07/2020 at 22:56, Steamport Southport said:

 

Hmm. Rabbit jokes....

 

 

 

Rubbish, the small bunnies wouldn't all be the same size!

 

Mike.

[raymw]

The most there could be would be say a total of 30 young rabbits in two distinct age groups.

[Compound2632]

10 minutes ago, raymw said:

The most there could be would be say a total of 30 young rabbits in two distinct age groups.

 

Not even that many. Typical rabbit litter size is 5-6 and gestation is around 30 days. So assuming mum was in her third trimester when she boarded, at most a dozen or so and then only by the last few days. Not enough to keep the lions etc. fed.

[Ian Abel]

A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks for?”
 
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
 
Oh”, said the man. "Whose clock is that?
“ ”That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie"
 
Incredible”, said the man. "And whose clock is that one?”
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.
 
Where's Trump's clock?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied, "We're using it as a ceiling fan.”