The Forum Jokes Thread

[Steve O.]

A termite walks into a bar, asks "is the bar tender here?"

[gazmanjack]

Q. What has 26 legs, 13 heads and 17 teeth ?   A. The queue at a methodone clinic....

[BOARD OF TRADE]

I might get into trouble but,believe it or not,Max Miller(The Cheeky Chappie) used to tell this joke the length and breadth of the Country in Music Halls.Given that theatres etc. were strictly censored by The Lord Chancellor's Office and closely monitored by local "Watch Committies" goodness knows how he got away with it,any way here goes...,

I went to the Dr's and told him I was feeling bad all the time,so he examined me and said I was working too hard and that I needed some peace and quiet with plenty of fresh air.

Anyway I decided to go on a walking holiday in Switzerland,lovely it was.

So one day i decided to walk up one of the mountains and I was on this path and it went up and up and up,and after an hour or so on one side of me was the mountain and on the other side a sheer drop of hundreds of feet and it got narrower and narrower so after a while that it was only a couple of feet wide and I got to this curve around the side of the mountain when around the corner coming the other way was this beautiful young lady...long blond hair,wonderful body and totally stark naked.

Well I didn't know what to do,the path was so narrow and I was on my way up and she was coming down the other way.

It was terrible because the path was too narrow for us to pass each other and I just couldnt decide what was the best thing to do,should I block her passage or toss myself off?

[bluebottle]

I'm probably more at risk of a telling-off from the Mods for joke-analysis, but Max Miller fans may find an article from "The Stage" of interest: http://www.thestage.co.uk/features/2005/04/beyond-a-joke-max-miller/

 

[Danemouth]

Always liked Max Miller - particularly as he was banned by the BBC!

 

Got some of his stuff on cassette - seems very mild by today's standard.

 

Dave

[Jinty3f]

The hill billies round here haven't got sheep but they keep mountain goats!

 

Edited for misspelling. Again. 

Aaaaaah!..............'mounting!'.............now I get it!  

 

JD (slow of wit.)

[newbryford]

I went to the doctor the other day asking for his advice about losing weight.

 

He said, "Don't eat anything fatty"

So I said "Like pies, chips and such?"

 

He said "No, don't eat anything, Fatty".

 

Cheers,

Mick

[andytrains]

Many years ago the shed foreman at a Scottish loco shed had a parrot in his office and as most parrots do, it imitated the shed foreman's Scottish accent faultlessly. 

 

Quite often the Coal distribution manager for the area of BR would call up and ask how much coal was required for the next two weeks. The foreman was usually caught on the hop, and would nip out to the coal ree to check how much was required. 

 

The parrot developed the habit of answering into the hand set lying on the desk, with a quantity far in excess of what was needed. Having done so and proud of its achievement, the parrot then perched up on the receiver rest, thus ending the call. In the busy day to day life of a shed the foreman forgot all about the call until several long trains arrived with the ordered coal. The situation happened more than once until letters started arriving from BR HQ  asking why the areas operations were needing so much coal, without the expected increase in revenue. 

 

The foreman eventually realised what had been happening, having caught the Parrot in the act one day. He was not best pleased and grabbed the parrot and threatened it with an early demise, but relented and threw it under one the side benches in the office. As misfortune would have it, the Duty shed cat was in the vicinity at the time and it was kicked under the side benches also, coming to rest against the frightened Parrot. 

 

The Parrot looked at the cat and said, How many tons of coal did you order. 

[Colin_McLeod]

That was what is known as a shaggy cat story.

[kevinlms]

True story.

 

Today, my wife asked me to get some 'black & tan shoe polish' from the supermarket - at least that's what it said on the shopping list.

 

Which I did (a tin of black & a tin of tan), but told her when I got home that I wasn't sure if she wanted the striped or checked variety. She'd no idea what I was talking about, and an explanation was offered. Something was said about being a s***t a**e.

 

Some people are never happy.

 

 

 

 

 

[BG John]

I'd never use anything black and tan that's found in my house for cleaning shoes. She'd probably bite me

[Colin_McLeod]

You could always use it to paint your Irish Rail carriages.

Edited August 31, 2013 by Colin_McLeod

[BOARD OF TRADE]

It's the "Swinging Sixties" and Michael Caine is now an international movie star,so he decides to throw a big party at his new penthouse appartment for all the beautiful people and his showbiz friends.Sean Connery,Julie Christie,Mary Quant and Twiggy are in attendance plus several of the Beatles and The Stones and other assorted celebrities and showbiz personalities.

Shortly after Jim Morrison and the rest of the Group arrive but within half an hour Michael notices that they are about to leave, so he asks them why only to be told that they they *don't dig the scene".Michael asks them to hang on a minute and he goes and speaks to a beautiful model who then goes into one of the bedrooms with all of the Group.

An hour later a beaming Jim Morrison  and the rest of the lads emerge with the girl,"great party,Mike",they all say before joining into the swing of things with the other guests.

A much relieved Michael Caine mingles with his guests,but noticing the same young model about to disappear into the bedroom with Ringo shouts across the assembled throng,......."Oi...you were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off !"

[andytrains]

A bloke goes into the chemists and asks the Pharmacist for Viagra.

The Pharmacist asks if he has a prescription.

The bloke says, "No, but I’ve got a photo of the wife".

Edited September 5, 2013 by andytrains

[Claude_Dreyfus]

I used to be in a band called 'The Broken Sat Navs'...

 

 

...never got anywhere...

[Claude_Dreyfus]

What do you call an Irish Alligator?

 

 

 

Crock O' Doyle

[PGC]

Hope this hasn't been on before.

 

Arthur Davidson of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, St Peter tells Davidson that “you’ve been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world, so you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven. Davidson thinks about it and says “I wanna hang out with God himself”.

 

So, St Peter takes Davidson to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Davidson then asks God “Say, aren’t you the person who invented woman?” God replies “Well, yes”. Davidson then says, well you have some pretty major design flaws there, the first is that there’s too much front end protrusion, the second is that it chatters at high speed, thirdly the rear end wobbles far too much and lastly the intake is placed to close to the exhaust.

 

“Hmmm” replies God, “hold on a moment”. He then goes over to the celestial super computer, types in a few key strokes and sets it whirring. After a few minutes it prints out a slip of paper, which God inspects. “It may be that my invention is flawed” says God, “but according to my computer, more people ride my invention than yours”.

 

Phil

[DonBradley]

 

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first...

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

P.S. I don't remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry

[Claude_Dreyfus]

Very good...and reminds me of a phenomenon experinced by a friend of mine in his 70s. He calls it 'footling' (as in to footle)...it goes somelike thus:

 

I get up, sort myself out and decide I will return those books on the side to the library. Library doesn't open for another 30-odd minutes so I idly flick through the pages. Well, this is quite good; why didn't I read this properly last time? Then I look at the clock - drat, somehow it is lunchtime and the library is closed. I have my lunch and to kill time until the library reopens by looking at the book. Before you know it - 4:00; library is closed... Another day passes.

 

The joys of retirement...only another 30-odd years to go...

Edited September 4, 2013 by Claude_Dreyfus

[steve1]

Apparently more than 300,000 attempts were made to access pornographic websites at the Houses of Parliament in the past year. A spokesperson said "What else is Nick Clegg supposed to do all day?"

 

steve

[BOARD OF TRADE]

Back in the sixties a young scouser decides to hitch hike across America.Heading for the West Coast he gets a lift but the guy can only drive him part way across the Arizona desert,but tells him that there is a peoverbial "one horse" Town a few miles yp yhe road where he might be able to get another ride.

The scouser wanders into "town" and goes into the only bar in the place.The bar is deserted apart from the bar tender and an old Injun nursing a beer at the end of the bar.He chats to the barman who tells him that Injun Joe is a memory man and that if he can ask him a question he doesn't know then he will buy him a beer but if he gets it right he has to buy Injun Joe a beer.

Now the scouser fancies his chances so he sidles up to Joe and says he'd like to ask him a football question,Joe replies American,Australian Rules,Gaelic,Rugby or Association?The scouser is a bit taken aback but still reckons he can get himself a free beer,Association Football he replies.Then he asks "Which Team won The F.A.Cup in 1965?"

Without hesitation Joe replies "Liverpool beat Leeds United." Now the scouser is a bit upset because he has very little money and he had hoped to hustle himself a free beer so he says to Joe,"Double or quits?".Joe agrees,so thinking he can catch Joe out he throws him a trick question,"What was the score?"Again without hesitation Joe replies,"Nil-Nil at full time,2-1 to Liverpool after extra time".Now the scouser is amazed but realising that he won't beat Joe buys him his beers and departs a poorer but a wiser tourist.

Thirty or so years later the same scouser is on a fly drive holiday with his wife heading towards Las Vegas when he sees the turn off to the same town,he tells his wife the story and she reluctantly agrees to them stopping.They go into the same bar and he chats to the bartender asking him if he knows what became of Injun Joe.The bartender tells him it's a very sad story and that Joe became a celebrity on TV with his amazing Memory Man skills but he married unwisely,took to drink and ended up penniless after his fame faded and that although in his nineties is still alive and living on a Reservation a few miles away.

The scouser begs his wife to go and meet him so she reluctantly agrees.They drive to the Reservation where the scouser asks the Chief if he can meet Joe.The Chief is a bit reluctant because Joe has become a bit of a recluse but the scouser begs him for the chance to chat to Joe and he finally agrees but warns him to treat Joe with great respect and points Joe out to him sitting under a tree fifty yards away.The scouser slowly approaches him thinking about how he can "break the ice" whilst showing respect and decides to greet him in his own language.He stops near Joe and looking down says,"How!".Injun Joe looks up and replies,"Ian St.John with a flying header,and that's another beer you owe me !".

[raymw]

GETTING OLD HAS ITS ADVANTAGES…..WE JUST GOTTA BE SMART LIKE THIS GRANDPA

 

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable?'

 

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay,  Go ahead.'

 

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'  The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'  Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. 

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

'Want to go double or nothing?'  Grandpa asks, 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that waste-basket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the waste basket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

 

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

 

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa  told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet  me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could  come in here and pee all over your desk and  that you'd be happy about it!'

 

Edited September 6, 2013 by raymw

[dickgreen]

Why did the chicken cross the road ?

 

Too prove to the raccoons it can be done.

[Steve O.]

Read a really good book the other day - "The History of Glue". Very interesting, couldn't put it down.

[Steve K]

I can see the smiley for "funny", but not the one for "nicked from Tim Vine"...