RMweb Premium BR60103 Posted July 18, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 18, 2017 Ivan had worked very hard and was named most productive employee of the year. Part of his reward was a chit that said he didn't have to stand in line. The next morning at the station he walks past the line to the ticket counter. A functionary tells him, "Go and stand in that line there." "But I've got a chit so that I don't have to stand in line." "That's the line for people who don't have to stand in line." (Yeah, that's another mouldy oldy.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyID Posted July 20, 2017 Share Posted July 20, 2017 A lawyer, a spy, a mob boss, and a money launder walk into a bar. The bartender says: "you guys must be here to talk about adoption." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted July 22, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 22, 2017 The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that. The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. "Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted July 22, 2017 Share Posted July 22, 2017 "I gave my father $100 and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother." (Thank you, US standup Rita Rudner) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted July 22, 2017 Share Posted July 22, 2017 I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 32K, 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K, and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane. steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 From another funny lady: "My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is." (Ellen DeGeneres) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 I see that The Generation Game is returning to TV. Best episode ever was when the contestant won a set of sliding doors & a conveyor belt... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Coryton Posted July 24, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 24, 2017 I see that The Generation Game is returning to TV. Best episode ever was when the contestant won a set of sliding doors & a conveyor belt... But not the cuddly toy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold ian Posted July 24, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 24, 2017 ...and the fondue set. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold tomparryharry Posted July 24, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 24, 2017 Mary had a little lamb.. She's up in court next week.... Look, I only dust these jokes off once a year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faulcon1 Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 My mum had hanging in her retirement unit a plaque which read "A Senior Citizen Defined" A Senior Citizen is one who was here before the pill, television, frozen food, and ball point pens. For us time sharing meant togetherness, not computers, and a chip meant a piece of wood. Hardware meant hard wear, and software wasn't even a word. Teenagers never wore slacks. We were before dishwashers, drip dry cloths, pantyhose, clothes dryers and electric blankets. We got married first then lived together. (How quaint can one be) Girls wore "Peter Pan" collars and thought "cleavage" was something butchers did. We were before Batman, vitamin pills, disposable nappies, pizzas, instant coffee and even Chinese takeaways. In our day cigarette smoking was "fashionable", grass was for mowing, pot was something you cooked in. A gay person was the life of the party and nothing more, while Aids meant beauty lotions or help for someone in trouble. We are today Senior Citizens, a hardy bunch when you think of how the world has changed and the adjustments we have had to make. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 WARNING ! Do not under any circumstances join the new Tesco dating service my mate did last month and now hes stuck with a bag for life 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted July 27, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 27, 2017 That one's been around a while.. As have most of what's on here! Mike. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and shouts "Who wants a fight, I'll take on any one of you" No one replies, so he just sits down and has a drink. Five minutes later a piece of green tarmac walks in and also offers to fight all comers. After the green tarmac leaves another drinker ask the black tarmac why he didn't take the green tarmac on? To which he replied "Don't be daft, he's a bit of a cycle path!" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted July 27, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 27, 2017 A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and shouts "Who wants a fight, I'll take on any one of you" No one replies, so he just sits down and has a drink. Five minutes later a piece of green tarmac walks in and also offers to fight all comers. After the green tarmac leaves another drinker ask the black tarmac why he didn't take the green tarmac on? To which he replied "Don't be daft, he's a bit of a cycle path!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 Annual spending on defence Usa £820 billion China £720 billion Russia £600 billion Man city £200 million Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted July 27, 2017 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 27, 2017 That one's been around a while... As have most of what's on here! Mike. I didn't realise you were that old Mike.................................. Cheers, Mick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted July 28, 2017 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 28, 2017 I didn't realise you were that old Mike.................................. Cheers, Mick Welcome to National Backhanded Compliment Day! Mike. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyID Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Daughter: "But Daddy, I'm only a wee bit pregnant." Father: "Are you sure it's yours?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Daughter: "But Daddy, I'm only a wee bit pregnant." Father: "Are you sure it's yours?" Well done for not playing the idiot Irishman card! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating. Sally raised her hand. She said, my family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated. The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him. Johnny said, 'My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.' The teacher sat down and cried. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peanuts Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter... Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Lee Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 Not sure, but that joke sounds a bit familiar... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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