The Forum Jokes Thread

[KeithMacdonald]

Subject:    Should children witness childbirth?

 

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. 

 

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathryn, a 3 year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mummy (Helen) so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.  Very diligently, Kathryn did as she was asked. Helen pushed and pushed, and after a little while Colin was born.

 

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Colin began to cry.

 

The paramedic then thanked Kathryn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

 

Kathryn quickly responded.

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the firstplace.

Smack him again."

[gordon s]

[kevinlms]

1 hour ago, gordon s said:

Definitely not my other half, if it came to a choice between a dog and me, guess who would miss out!

[jcredfer]

2 hours ago, kevinlms said:

Definitely not my other half, if it came to a choice between a dog and me, guess who would miss out!

I bet you considered learning to bark, too!!

 

Julian

 

[Jamiel]

From Facebook. Happy Christmas everyone (as Noddy Holder did day).

Edited December 21, 2019 by Jamiel

[KeithMacdonald]

[Gibbo675]

1 hour ago, KeithMacdonald said:

Hi Kieth,

 

You will get into bother with the thought police for this one !!!

 

Gibbo.

[KeithMacdonald]

1 hour ago, Gibbo675 said:

You will get into bother with the thought police for this one !!!

 

Oops, too late!

 

I've already met St.Greta and her diesel-powered support crew in Plymouth.

 

Doh! not supposed to mention that either.

 

[newbryford]

[newbryford]

Could be worse - his sat nav could be faulty

 

[Sprintex]

[KeithMacdonald]

Married And Content

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'get your own *******  blanket!'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[D-A-T]

Q. Which Spice Girl can carry petrol better than the rest of them?











A. Geri can...

[luckymucklebackit]

On 20/12/2019 at 23:27, Steamport Southport said:

Two topical ones.

 

 

 

Jason

 

Sod Star Wars

 

60 days and counting to Model Rail Scotland.  (With apologies to anyone in a panic to get their layout finished in time - know that feeling!)

Edited December 23, 2019 by luckymucklebackit

[PhilJ W]

On 20/12/2019 at 10:47, PhilJ W said:

My wife was overjoyed when I told her I'd booked a table for Christmas day. I didn't even know she could play snooker.

She has just found out that it's a snooker table. Unfortunately she had a cue in her hand at the time.

[Dave Hunt]

Phil, I guess that walking may be a tad difficult after she's disposed of the cue but look on the bright side - you'll have your own built-in shooting stick.

 

Dave

[raymw]

Husband:   “I changed a light bulb today. ”

Wife:  “ That's it? I did the laundry, vacuumed the house, washed windows, cooked three meals, and the list goes on and on ... And you changed a single light bulb?

Husband:   “Yep, that’s what I did today. Watch this; I filmed me doing it.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1BgzIZRfT8

[BoD]

Bet you he's glad the bulb he had with him had the correct fitting.

[PhilJ W]

I just hope it didn't slip from his fingers as he was about to fit it.

 

[luckymucklebackit]

Colud they not just make the tower like the modern platform lights that hinge down at the bottom?

[Steamport Southport]

58 minutes ago, PhilJ W said:

I just hope it didn't slip from his fingers as he was about to fit it.

 

 

Like this?  

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXalhnH7Y0Q

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jason

[raymw]

Here's a shorter tower, lowered . https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4vghs8DxOE   no point changing the lamp, 'though

Edited December 23, 2019 by raymw

[D-A-T]

Talking of success and failure, after years of dedicated medical training, a good friend of mine has been struck off following one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the job he loves. 

What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.

[ikks]

13 hours ago, raymw said:

Husband:   “I changed a light bulb today. ”

Wife:  “ That's it? I did the laundry, vacuumed the house, washed windows, cooked three meals, and the list goes on and on ... And you changed a single light bulb?

Husband:   “Yep, that’s what I did today. Watch this; I filmed me doing it.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1BgzIZRfT8

Gawd..........That made my guts churn, just watching it!!

 

Mike

[luckymucklebackit]

Apparently, it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so here goes!:
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scot, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The doorman stops them and says, 'Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.'