The Forum Jokes Thread

[Chris116]

Just now, Steamport Southport said:

That's the shorter version as well. 

 

 

 

 

Jason

I am VERY glad you gave us the short version. At least I was still awake at the end!

[APOLLO]

Continuing the Monk theme ---

 

 

Brit15

[billbedford]

1 hour ago, Steamport Southport said:

Tell us a joke then....

 

People in glass houses shouldn't....

[Steamport Southport]

You want worse?

 

A search and rescue team had been assembled and sent on a mission to find an airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain. It was their duty to rescue any survivors. After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they came upon the crash site.

At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of there bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God," he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.

The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

 

 

 

Jason

[PhilJ W]

1 hour ago, Two_sugars said:

Too True . . . .But it's edging on POLLY TICKLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are parrots ticklish?

1 hour ago, leopardml2341 said:

And sexual innuendo

Don't worry, its legal now.

[jcredfer]

One dark and stormy night,

3 men sat in a cave,

"Jack, tell us a tale", said Fred,

"All reet" said Jack....

and thought for a moment...

 

 

..... 

"One dark and stormy night,

3 men sat in a cave,

"Jack, tell us a tale", said Fred,

"All reet" said Jack....

and thought for a moment...  "

 

 

..... 

"One dark and stormy night,

3 men sat in a cave,

"Jack, tell us a tale", said Fred,

"All reet" said Jack....

and thought for a moment...  "

 

 

..... 

"One dark and stormy night,

3 men sat in a cave,

"Jack, tell us a tale", said Fred,

"All reet" said Jack....

and thought for a moment...  "

 

 

...........

 

Julian

 

[NorthBrit]

8 hours ago, Ian J. said:

 

It's my (perhaps errant) understanding that the diagonal red cross in the Union Jack represents Ireland in some way, and therefore Ulster would come under that?

 

The present design of the Union Flag dates from a Royal proclamation following the union of Great Britain and Ireland in 1801. The flag combines aspects of three older national flags: the red cross of St George for the Kingdom of England, the white saltire of St Andrew for Scotland (which two were united in the first Union Flag), and the red saltire of St Patrick to represent Ireland.

Notably, the home country of Wales is not represented separately in the Union Flag, as the flag was designed after the invasion of Wales in 1282. Hence Wales as a home country has no representation on the flag. 

 

Because the red saltire of St Patrick  is not a 'true cross on the Union Flag,  the Union Flag has been seen (many times) to be upside down.

[KeithMacdonald]

A Liverpool Quiz Show question:

 

 

[jcredfer]

1 hour ago, billbedford said:

 

People in glass houses shouldn't....

 

Two islands in the Fiji group were many years at war.  The issue was a beautiful, jewelled, Throne made many years earlier as a present from the chief of one island to the chief of the other.  Eventually the chief died and the first chief asked for the throne back, as it was just a present for the one who had just died, but the other islanders refused, claiming it was property of the tribe.  The arguement grew until it became a full blown war, with regular invasions from one island to the other.

 

After many years of horrendous conflict and many deaths, the chief, who had donated the throne decided that enough was enough.  He gathered his entire tribe, women and children, too and told them that he had many boats built and the whole tribe would invade the others, by night, so strength of numbers, combined with the cover of darkness would surely prevail.....   or so one might think.....   except.....

 

One of his tribe fancied a pretty young lady from the other island and had been in the habit of slipping his way, secretly, over there to ......   {too much for a rail topic, but I'm sure there will be those who may know.....  }.  Fearing his adventurous trysts might come to an untimely end, he warned his young lady of the plan to invade, times details of numbers etc.  The news got straight to the ears of the new young chief and he set about planning the defence of the island and the throne.  Crafty young man set positions for his best warriors to hide, women and youngsters hidden behind to bring fresh supplies of coconuts to be hurled at the invadind hordes, he even hid the throne in the rafters of one of the lesser important huts, on a ceiling of palm leaves, completely out of sight.  He was highly confident of bringing the impending invasion to a crashing, ignominious devastating halt.  Oh yes!!

 

On the night of the attack the defenders took post as instructed and waited quiet and patiently.  However they were left tired and totally disapointed, because, as chance would have it one of the wives of the attacker tribe, gave birth that day and tradition is what it is, so the attack was postponed for the 5 days of feasting, in celebration.  {See.....  some folks have got their priorities right in this muddled world.}  Meanwhile the defenders became convinced that either the information they had been given was false, or {quite typically}, the attackers had simply chickened out, huh!!   Oh dear me, how wrong they were!  The moment the celebrations were completed, the attackers, fortified by much food and invigorating drink, set out in the middle of the night, to paddle silently across the sea to the other island.  The first boats were full of the strongest warriors, who slid their boats silently onto the sandy beach on one side of the island and crept silently to the top of the beach, where they waited for the signal.  The women armed with coconuts and frying pans likewise slid ashore, further round the island and crept to the top of the beach to hide and await the signal.  The chief waited for the right moment and, sure enough eventually a small canoe appeared around the headland with a small boy waving a sarong on a long pole.  The chief cheered and yelled "CHARGE!"to the hiding hordes of men, who lept up and headed full pelt to the enemy village, crashing and yelling through the undergrowth.  As soon as the defenders started to stumble, confused, out of their huts, to face the charging men, the chief barked an order to the women.  They all leaped to their feet and started howling and running at the village from a completely different direction and the defenders froze, wondering which direction to go, which was the greatest threat? 

 

At that moment, the attacking chief bellowed "HALT!!"  Accordingly the attackers siezed their moment and splitting into two groups threw themselves at the attacking men and women.....   WRONG move!....  once they were well on the way, the attacking chief bellowed out again "NOW!!"  The attacking children had crept up on the opposite direction to where the men and women were attacking and were armed with smouldering bundles of tinder.....  which they now blew into flame.  Still quiet they moved swiftly to the defender's huts and plunged the flames into the sides of the grass huts, moving round amongst them lighting as they went.  Once the flames were flickering well up the walls the attacking men and women set once more into their charge.  Many of the defenders realised they had been outwitted, outplanned and outnumbered and yelled to one another to flee whilst they still could.  {The new chief, frankly, one of them, too}.

 

The attackers gathered to survey their victory around the burning huts, flames shooting skyward, billowing smoke, sheer devastation, surely now the matter was settled and they could claim their throne back.  Suddenly there was a cracking of wood and a very loud thump!  The burning hut, which had been concealing the throne, conceeded to the flames, fell to the ground and there, in the middle of the remnants of the burning grass hut, was, the throne.  A couple of brave men leapt to push the wooden throne clear, siezed it and, together with the rest of the tribe, made their way back to their canoes and home, well pleased, indeed.

 

PS.  Of course there are morals to the story, not the least about not trying to keep gifts belonging to someone else, keeping peace with one's neighbours, but, more importantly, people who live in grass houses, shouldn't stow thrones!

 

Julian

 

[Colin_McLeod]

2 hours ago, NorthBrit said:

 

The present design of the Union Flag dates from a Royal proclamation following the union of Great Britain and Ireland in 1801. The flag combines aspects of three older national flags: the red cross of St George for the Kingdom of England, the white saltire of St Andrew for Scotland (which two were united in the first Union Flag), and the red saltire of St Patrick to represent Ireland.

Notably, the home country of Wales is not represented separately in the Union Flag, as the flag was designed after the invasion of Wales in 1282. Hence Wales as a home country has no representation on the flag. 

 

Because the red saltire of St Patrick  is not a 'true cross on the Union Flag,  the Union Flag has been seen (many times) to be upside down.

 

Before the Act of Union between Great Britain and Ireland:-

 

 

Strictly speaking the "upside down" Union flag is not actually upside down, but is being flown with the wrong side next the pole. The red diagonal is not in the middle of the white diagonal, leaving a "broad" white and a "narrow" white.  with the pole on the left, the top left corner should have the "broad" white to the top thus:-

 

This is the upside down flag:

[newbryford]

Now that the big day has been and gone, this can be posted without causing (too much) alarm to small children,.

 

 

Edited December 26, 2019 by newbryford

[The Johnster]

3 hours ago, jcredfer said:

 

"One dark and stormy night,

3 men sat in a cave,

"Jack, tell us a tale", said Fred,

"All reet" said Jack....

and thought for a moment...  "

In much the same vein...

 

In your best Long John Silver accent if you can...

 

It was a daaaarrrk and stormy night, 

'an the Cap'n said to the Mate, 

'Mate, tell us a tale'.

 

So, the Mate began;

It was a daaaarrrk and stormy night, 

'an the Cap'n said to the Mate....

[Steamport Southport]

Do you want the tale of the old, empty barn?

 

 

 

 

 

There was nothing in it...…..

[PhilJ W]

I've decided to do something about all the extra pounds I've put on over Christmas, I've thrown out the scales.

[The Johnster]

4 hours ago, Steamport Southport said:

Do you want the tale of the old, empty barn?

 

 

 

 

 

There was nothing in it...…..

John Laurie, Corporal Fraser, in Dad's Army, and I believe a bit of ad libbing not in the script.  Brilliant!

[F-UnitMad]

12 hours ago, Steamport Southport said:

Do you want the tale of the old, empty barn?

 

 

 

 

 

There was nothing in it...…..

 

7 hours ago, The Johnster said:

John Laurie, Corporal Fraser, in Dad's Army, and I believe a bit of ad libbing not in the script.  Brilliant!

Must admit, I imediately thought "Dad's Army" too.

[Steamport Southport]

Yep. I just wish the Beeb would give it a break and show other classic comedy for a change though. They must have thousands of hours of the stuff which never gets shown.

 

They even play the radio series on constant repeat on Four Extra.

 

 

 

Jason

[Gibbo675]

On 26/12/2019 at 00:42, The Johnster said:

The name of the nation, as a political construct, is 'The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland'.  The name of the largest of the British Isles is Great Britain, and the name of the second largest is Ireland.  Northern Ireland is a part of the island of Ireland that is governed by the UK, as opposed to the Republic of Ireland, Eire, which is a separate nation with it's own government.  Straightforward enough, but after that it degenerates into a proper minefield and it's probably best not to dwell too closely on the historical reasons for this as you don't want your head to explode...

 

Islands very close to the coast of France are included in the UK description, though not as part of the British Isles, despite being British.  Heligoland, within sight of the German North Sea coast, was once British as well, but could hardly be described as part of the British Isles.  Islands such as the Faroes are, arguably, geophysically part of the British archipelago, but are Danish, and Rockall is disputed.  Wales considers itself a separate nation but has never in it's history been a unified political entity except under English overrule, and historically was not united fully with England until the reign of Henry Tudor, Henry VII, who was Welsh.  After the Act of Union, Wales could effectively be considered a part of England, with it's people having the same rights and obligations as the English.  

 

So, Wales' status as a nation is actually an invention of the English, but attempting to point out this undeniable fact will get you thrown out of most pubs in the Principality for your own safety.  Queen Elizabeth I used the 13th century journeys of Madog, a Welsh prince from Gwynedd whose antecedents included both Welsh and Viking Irish royalty including Lief Ericsson's daughter  the first ethnically European person born on American soil, to assert an English claim to the American continent.  Madog had sailed to the New World, returned, and then mounted a second expedition of 5 shiploads of settlers who were never heard from again, avoiding English oppression being the intention.  Elizabeth, perhaps aware of her Tudor heritage, took the trouble to learn some Welsh, and some Irish/Scottish Gaelic.  

 

Similarly, it is difficult to assert that there was a fully developed nation on the island of Ireland prior to English overlordship, but there was at least a 'High KIng' presiding over what was effectively a council of small nations' representatives.  The island of Britain had a similar set up in pre-Roman times with a body referred to, in some written sources (e.g, Mabinogion) referencing this late Iron Age period, as the 'Council of the Isles'.

 

Ireland's international rugby team is drawn from the entire island of Ireland with no distinction being made for UK or Irish citizenship.  England, Scotland, and Wales however have their own international teams.  The ROI anthem is played at matches, and God Save The Queen, the third verse of which is virulently anti-Scots, is only played at games in which England are playing; there is no officially recognised specifically English national anthem.  Wales is not represented in any form on the Union Flag, and neither is Ulster; the Union Flag was devised to represent the Union of England and Scotland in 1605.

 

Like I said, minefield!

 

 

Hi Johnster,

 

No mention of Albion ?

 

Gibbo.

[BoD]

9 minutes ago, Gibbo675 said:

Hi Johnster,

 

No mention of Albion ?

 

Gibbo.

 

 

I'm still waiting for the punchlines.

[jcm@gwr]

38 minutes ago, BoD said:

 

 

I'm still waiting for the punchlines.

 

Name any politician, for the punchline to the UK!

[KeithMacdonald]

55 minutes ago, BoD said:

I'm still waiting for the punchlines.

 

We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

 

Big Ben Is Still Missing.

 

 

[jcredfer]

19 minutes ago, jcm@gwr said:

 

Name any politician, for the punchline to the UK!

 

Not sure that any of them are quite old enough.....   although there are some in the upper chamber that look like possibilities.

 

Julian

 

[The Johnster]

2 hours ago, Gibbo675 said:

Hi Johnster,

 

No mention of Albion ?

 

Gibbo.

West Bromwich, Brighton & Hove, or Perfidious?

[Steamport Southport]

Gone for a Burton....

 

 

 

 

Jason

[Chris116]

The best Albion was 2971. GWR Saint class loco. 

 

I am not joking, just getting my hat and coat for a rapid dash stage left!