The Forum Jokes Thread

[Enterprisingwestern]

My wife was putting her make up on last night, I commented that she'd put her eyebrows on a bit high.

She turned round with a look of surprise.

 

Mike.

[ikks]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

 

 

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating

for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini

skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when

she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be

deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

 

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check

the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she

whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she

couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I

got married and committed my life to her sister.

 

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm

going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,

just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I

watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and

headed straight towards my car.

 

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all

clapping!  With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We

couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the

family.'

 

And the moral of this story is:

 

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[peter220950]

My wife's just had some oak breast implants,

 

 

that joke would be funnier with a punchline wooden tit

 

Peter

[Colin_McLeod]

Some Tommy Cooper classics:

 

 

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

'No, because he's really heavy'

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'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'

'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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So I went to the dentist.

He said 'Say Aaah.'

I said 'Why?'

He said 'My dog's died.'

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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said 'You are.'

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So I rang up my local swimming baths.

I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my

house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people

in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.

Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he

said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road.'

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.

And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give

me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

'Does this taste funny to you?'

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and

the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

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A man walked into the doctors,

The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'

The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

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A man walked into the doctors,

he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.

He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I

couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.

It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them

would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -

'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

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I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you

can't have your kayak and heat it.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with

hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'

The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'

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Just like that!!

[chris p bacon]

Some Tommy Cooper classics:

 

 

Excellent, but I'm sure they're Tim Vines.

[kevinlms]

Excellent, but I'm sure they're Tim Vines.

Don't know, but some of them were around when Adam was a boy.

 

Still funny though.

[Colin_McLeod]

Excellent, but I'm sure they're Tim Vines.

They were sent to me as Cooper jokes. Apologies if they were someone else's.

[NorthBrit]

Doctors are getting worried by the fact that English men's pen?ses are getting smaller.   They are asking Englishmen to measure theirs. 

 

If it is under two inches long, get a white flag with a red cross on,  so they will know.

[Sidecar Racer]

I went up to a homeless man sitting on a bench in the town centre today with a cup of coffee for him.

 

I sat next to him and asked how he'd got in this position.

 

He said to me "You know, three weeks ago I had it all, my own accomadation, a cook, good food,

the internet,TV, I used to go to the gym,to the swimming pool, the library, everything"

 

I replied,  "Blimey, that's a bit rough, what happened, bad luck, divorce,drugs,alcohol problems"?

 

 

He said

 

 

"Na, I got released from prison"

[Axlebox]

the bloke on the dodgems got sacked last night...this morning hes claiming funfair dismissal.

 

(seen on the telly last night)

[cromptonnut]

Last weekend I got my wallet stolen in the supermarket car park.

 

I was just loading up my shopping when these two beautiful young ladies approached me asking if I could give them a lift home, and offered to "pay me" with a wink.  Over the next 20 minutes they performed all sorts of unspeakable acts on me in the back of the car to the point where I passed out with exhaustion.  When I awoke a while later, the two ladies were nowhere to be seen, and neither was my wallet.

 

I was robbed by them again on Monday lunchtime, Tuesday afternoon, twice on Wednesday, and Thursday morning.

 

By the way, Poundland have an offer on wallets at the moment..

[Enterprisingwestern]

Never trust stairs.

 

They're always up to something.

 

Mike.

[NorthBrit]

They say the body is made up of 80% water.

 

 

I’m not fat. I am flooded.

[NorthBrit]

Edited July 7, 2018 by NorthBrit

[Classsix T]

A couple lifted shamelessly from the Book of East Anglian Humour.

 

Alf is leaning against his front gate in Lavenham watching the tourists going up and down the high street when an American approaches him and asks, "Say old timer, have you lived here all your life?"

Alf ponders this for a short while before replying, "Not yet."

 

On their way to Nelson's birthplace the church WI charabanc pauses at a tea shop to give the ladies a break. Passing by, Nobby asks the escorting vicar, "Hoy rev'rund, where you off to wiv them wimmin?"

"Why my good man, I'm going to Burnham!" the vicar replies.

To which Nobby pelts off shouting behind him, "Well hode you hard an' don't leave afore Oi get moi owd missus!"

 

C6T.

[Sidecar Racer]

Manure... An interesting fact.

 

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship.

 

It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common at sea.

 

It was shipped dry because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it,

not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.

 

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to

build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, Boom!!

 

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

 

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them,

which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold

would not touch this "volatile" cargo and start the production of methane.

 

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit),………….

 

“So it’s really not a swear word” which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

 

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

 

Neither did I.

 

 

 

I had always thought it was a golfing term.

[Reorte]

Makes a good joke but I strongly suspect that's not true (claims of pre-20th century origins of supposed acronyms generally aren't true). According to my dictionary the origin is Old English scitte, 'diarrhoea', of Germanic origin.

 

Sorry for being the pedantic misery!

[Stubby47]

I used to work for ECC in St Austell. The main offices at the time were in John Keay House, a 1/4 mile long, six story building which dominates the skyline.

I worked in the Information Technology department, which was on floor 3. The Tech support dept was on floor 6. As they covered the whole building, they had a policy of writing on a whiteboard where each member of staff had gone.

 

One day their boss checked the board and saw the letters S, H, I & T against John's name. He calmed down after John explained he been to see me ( and had been waiting weeks to get that particular call).

[tersono]

Yeah - funny s*** but urban legend. Here, however, is the true story of Jack Schitt

 

Jack Schitt is the son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six children. Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son named Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens Brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number named Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

[raymw]

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by 
the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if 
she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice 
to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about 
purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a 
problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. 
The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is 
for washing our hair."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter 
and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. 
"The curlers are on me."

[Ian J.]

I used to work for ECC in St Austell. The main offices at the time were in John Keay House, a 1/4 mile long, six story building which dominates the skyline.

I worked in the Information Technology department, which was on floor 3. The Tech support dept was on floor 6. As they covered the whole building, they had a policy of writing on a whiteboard where each member of staff had gone.

 

One day their boss checked the board and saw the letters S, H, I & T against John's name. He calmed down after John explained he been to see me ( and had been waiting weeks to get that particular call).

 

John Keay House. Now there's an address I remember typing a few times, relating to cargoes going in and out of Poole.

[RJS1977]

But you have to assemble them yourself...

[Mike Storey]

The water shortages are beginning to cause some major problems, especially in Ireland, where hose bans and all sorts are now in force.

 

So the local swimming pool near where my friend lives, have decided to help out, and, for the duration of the emergency, have closed Lanes 7 and 8.

[Welly]

Yesterday I took my Mum to the "Build A Bear" shop to take advantage of the "Pay Your Age" promotion..

 

£87 pounds for a bear!!!

 

Outrageous! 

[pH]

In the 1970s, Fairchild and Honeywell talked about setting up a joint company to work on defence contracts for the US military. It was to have been headquartered in the southern US and would have been called Farewell Honeychild.