RMweb Premium newbryford Posted July 24, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 24, 2018 And another. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted July 25, 2018 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted July 25, 2018 One day at the track in Ireland, playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Murphy noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot bet - won the race.. Before the next race, Murphy watched with interest as the old priest stepped onto the track and again made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Murphy ran to the betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Murphy collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Murphy bet big time on it, and it won. Murphy was elated.. As the races continued, the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first. By and by, Murphy was pulling in some serious coin. By the last race, he knew his wildest dream could come true. He went to an ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him on which horse to bet. True to his pattern, the priest again stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Murphy also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Murphy knew he had a winner and bet every last cent he owned on the old nag. Murphy then watched in horror as the old nag come in dead last. Murphy, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track and confronted the priest. "Father! What happened??? Every horse you blessed today took first place, but in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings, all of it!" Bemused, the priest nodded and said, "Son, that's the problem with you Protestants; you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites..." Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted July 25, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 25, 2018 Might I suggest a few rather truncated versions of some old favourite folk songs for the 21st Century Folk Song Compendium? The Wild Rover I've been a wild rover for many a year And I've spent all my money on whiskey and beer. Now I've got cirrhosis and a hospital bed And in just a short while I'll be stony cold dead And it's no, nay, nev aaaaarrrgh Scarborough Fair Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme If I were you, I wouldn't go there Ocado deliver, that's where I get mine All Around My Hat All around my hat, I will wear the green willow And all around my hat, for a twelvemonth and a day And if anyone should ask me the reason that I'm wearing it It's none of your F****** business It's my F****** hat. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted July 26, 2018 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted July 26, 2018 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ddoherty958 Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 These workmen are installing bollards to stop nurses from parking on the pavement outside the Royal Hospital in Belfast . They are cleaning up at the end of the day, and are nearly ready to go home . Bollards.jpg Nice to see a fellow northern Irishman 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ddoherty958 Posted July 26, 2018 Share Posted July 26, 2018 Hahahhhahah I love a good joke Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
ddoherty958 Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 My girlfriend's dog died so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid and said, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs? Some people just aren’t appreciative. Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
wireman Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 A teacher is aking his class what they would like to do on leaving school. After asking a lad called John, John replied that he would start his own company, build it up and then franchise it across the U.K.. After this he would expand into the rest of Europe and once he could could afford a small estate in England and a villa on the Med. his own aircraft etc. he would find a good looking whore who banged like an old barn door in the wind and settle down. Some what taken back by this, the teacher decided to move on to the next pupil. What about you Susan, are you following the family into the medical profession ?. Oh no Sir, I want to be John's whore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
cromptonnut Posted July 27, 2018 Share Posted July 27, 2018 All around my hat, I will wear the green willow And all around my hat, for a twelvemonth and a day And if anyone should ask me the reason that I'm wearing it It's none of your F****** business It's my F****** hat. As covered by Ade Edmondson and the Bad Shepherds, doing folk versions of punk songs - however this is a punk version of a folk song, definitely NSFW so you can find it yourself on YouTube. It's worth it, as are their other songs. I love 'em 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted July 27, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 27, 2018 My girlfriend's dog died so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid and said, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs? Just livid? Wow, that's restraint! Or is it a case of how long until you get your memory back, after getting out of the ICU? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Phil Bullock Posted July 29, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 29, 2018 Small - far away..... Hang on a mo.... Thanks to Ian Tipper for the photo - and also to Ian Catling, Mike King, Brian Thomas, Jimbo and SVRLad of this parish for the company and lunacy! One thread of which went as follows: Look at the headcode on that Hymek. 2B52 - where is that heading? Well - depends on where the train started from ... No, its northbound on the Glos Warwick railway - its going to Stratford! Oh really? Hows that then? 2B or not 2B - all trains go to Stratford! Groan.... Phil 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted July 30, 2018 Share Posted July 30, 2018 Nan had an amazing way with words. I remember I rang her up when my Granddad had gone into this home. I said “How's he getting on in the home?” She said 'like a fish out of water’, I said ‘Is he finding it hard to adjust?’ She said ‘No, he’s dead’.” steve Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted August 2, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 2, 2018 A little girl goes into a toy store to buy a Barbie doll. On the shelf are two Barbies that looked identical, one was just labeled 'Barbie' priced at $19.95 and the other one was labeled 'Divorced Barbie' priced at $499.95. The little girl asked the assistant why the big price difference, the assistant replied. "The Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's money, Ken's furniture, Ken's computer and Ken's best friend." 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Classsix T Posted August 2, 2018 Share Posted August 2, 2018 Akin to which, Viz's greatest Top Tip was, don't get married - just buy a house for someone you don't like very much. C6T. 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamiel Posted August 3, 2018 Share Posted August 3, 2018 (edited) I think house verses marriage is a quote from that great railway modeller Rod Stewart (I think he has a full time job as well, probably marrying statuesque blondes). ‘Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.’On the subject of quotes, a topical one from the wonderful Simon Hoggart from when he hosted the ‘News Quiz’ on Radio 4. ‘Glad I bought my hosepipe before they brought the ban in.’ Edited August 3, 2018 by Jamiel Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
graeme3300 Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 An octopus was suffering in the shallows by the beach when a shark swam by and asked, "What's the matter with you?" The octopus replied, "I'm feeling a bit crook." The shark said, "Have you been to the doctor?" "I would," replied the octopus, "but he's on the other side of the reef and I'm not well enough to swim there." "Hop on my back and I'll take you to him," said the shark. As they approached the reef, the shark said he had to make a quick detour to see his bookie, the groper. When they arrived, the groper asked, "Hey, shark! What's that on your back?" "Well, groper," replied the shark,"you know my tab? This is the sick squid I owe you!" Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted August 6, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 6, 2018 The Road Trip... While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled out to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card". National Senior Mental Health. You can do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care. I have now done MY part ... 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium kevinlms Posted August 6, 2018 RMweb Premium Share Posted August 6, 2018 The dogButcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $20 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trots across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly. No answer. He goes back down the path,takes a big run, and throws himself (Whap!) against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.The butcher runs up screams at the guy:"What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!”The owner responds, "Genius, my arse.It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!" 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stanley Melrose Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 I thought this was going to be the story about the old couple who stopped at a diner for a bite to eat while on a long car journey. The husband went to the counter and bought a sandwich which he cut in two and started to eat one half. His wife sat there patiently looking at her husband and from time to time glancing out of the window. A diner at another table was concerned that the couple were so poor they could only afford one sandwich and that the man was eating it. He noted what kind of sandwich it was and went and bought another one which he put on the table in front of the woman. She looked eagerly at the sandwich but made no attempt to eat it, although she did thank the sandwich supplier profusely for his generosity. The diner resumed his seat and recommenced his own meal, flabbergasted that the woman wasn't eating her sandwich. Once again he approached their table and asked if perhaps he had bought a sandwich the woman didn't like and whether he might change it for her. Oh no, she said, it was his turn to use the false teeth first . . . . Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
raymw Posted August 6, 2018 Share Posted August 6, 2018 > > A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them. > > > > > > > The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!" > > > The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!" > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something... > > > > > > > > > > > > 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jamiel Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 From Facebook.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 I wanted to teach my dog to play the trumpet so I thought that the best place to take him to practice was the London underground. He went from Barking to Tooting in 10 minutes!!! Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymucklebackit Posted August 7, 2018 Share Posted August 7, 2018 I wanted to teach my dog to play the trumpet so I thought that the best place to take him to practice was the London underground. He went from Barking to Tooting in 10 minutes!!! Posted an hour and a half previously in the things that make you smile thread/ 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluebottle Posted August 8, 2018 Share Posted August 8, 2018 > > A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them. > > > > > > > The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!" > > > The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!" > > > > > > Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something... Well, I tried, out of politeness, to think of something, but decided that I couldn't give a fart and went to bed instead... Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Budgie Posted August 8, 2018 RMweb Gold Share Posted August 8, 2018 (edited) > > A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them. > > > The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!" > > > The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!" > > > Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something... I wish my colostomy would give a loud fart when I am out shopping, so I can say "Well, I survived cancer, which is why I am one of the greatest". Edited to cut down the number of blank lines in the quote, because although they were necessary in the original post, they are a bit excessive when that original is quoted in my reply. Edited August 8, 2018 by Budgie 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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