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The Forum Jokes Thread

Colin_McLeod

By Colin_McLeod,
in Wheeltappers

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Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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NorthBrit

NorthBrit

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A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.


The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade.


 


Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.



 


He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Not amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.


 


Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees. Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point, he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.


 


Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?". The other lion says:


"Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees"


 


 


Hat, coat -----


Edited by NorthBrit
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luckymucklebackit

luckymucklebackit

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Which reminds me of the old joke..

 

Little Jimmy is not the brightest mind in the class, and every Friday afternoon the teacher holds a quiz, if the pupil answer the question correctly they are allowed to go home early - Jimmy always end up staying to the end.

 

As a desperate act, he hatches a cunning plan!  He finds two ping-pong balls, paints them black and sticks them in his pocket.  Once the teacher starts the quiz he quietly takes them out and rolls them down the aisle between he desks.

 

The teacher spots this and demands "Right - who is the comedian with the black balls???" - Jimmy shoots his arm up - "Miss - it's Sammy Davis Junior - can I go home now?

 

Jim

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RedGemAlchemist

RedGemAlchemist

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Random shaggy dog joke I came up with while doing some improv practice with a friend.

 

I went out on the town one night. Full moon, nice weather, so decided to stop at a local bar to get a drink. Go in, sit at the bar and say to the barman "One shot of Jack Daniels please."

"Sorry buddy, we don't sell that here."

"Ah OK then." So I go out, walk down the road some more until I find another pub. Go in, sit down at the bar and say to the barman "One shot of Jack Daniels please."

So he gets the bottle of the shelf, goes to pour the shot - and drops it. "Ah, sorry mate. I'll go get some more."

"No worries, I'm not in any rush."

So the barman goes into the back, finds another bottle, opens it, pours out a shot - and his guy walks up and drinks my shot for no reason. I turn to him and go "Hey man, what gives?"

And he says "Aren't you the guy who slept with my wife?"

"No."

"You sure?"

"Mate I've already got a wife, why'd I want someone else's?"

"Ah, sorry mate. Thought you were someone else. Must have drunk too much." And he walks off talking to himself.

So the barman pours me another shot, I take the shot - and I miss.

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Colin_McLeod

Colin_McLeod

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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I

am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I

misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that

McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about

'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about

'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

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Coryton

Coryton

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Some  of  these  jokes  (and  some  posts on other topics) could do with a question mark option on the selection buttons.

? = No understand.

 

Pete

 

I seem to recall that RMweb used to have a "confusing" button (along with a "disagree") but they both vanished a while ago.

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cromptonnut

cromptonnut

Posted
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If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines 2 years ago, you would have £49.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company 2 years ago, you would have £33.00 today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers 6 years ago, you would have nothing today.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock 5 years ago, you would have nothing today

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminum cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, us Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British!

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EHertsGER

EHertsGER

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I used to work for ECC in St Austell. The main offices at the time were in John Keay House, a 1/4 mile long, six story building which dominates the skyline.

I worked in the Information Technology department, which was on floor 3. The Tech support dept was on floor 6. As they covered the whole building, they had a policy of writing on a whiteboard where each member of staff had gone.

One day their boss checked the board and saw the letters S, H, I & T against John's name. He calmed down after John explained he been to see me ( and had been waiting weeks to get that particular call).

I once knew a chap who had the title ‘Business Unit Leader, Stoy Hayward Information Technology’. No, really.

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EHertsGER

EHertsGER

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“Unlike my predecessors, I have devoted more of my life to shunting and hooting than to hunting and shooting...”

From a speech by Sir Fred Burrows, the last Governor of undivided Bengal (1946-7), having been President of The National Union of Railwaymen.

My grandfather’s cousin!

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