The Forum Jokes Thread

[F-UnitMad]

There was an anecdote broadcast on Radio 2 some years ago (by Sarah Kennedy unfortunately - then the Most Irritating Old Bat on Radio, but I digress) about a British airline pilot landing at Nuremburg airport. As the airport is quite a size, he asked for specific directions to taxi to the right gate. The German Air Traffic Controller sarcasticly asked if the pilot had not been to Nuremburg before?, to which the pilot resonded that he had, but it was in 1944 and he hadn't landed.

[Del]

'My friend is going to south-west France to participate in the World 'Twanging-A-Ruler-On-The-Edge-Of-A-Desk' Championship.'

'Dordogne?'

'Yes, very similar to that.'

[Jamiel]

Am I on my own here?

 

I thought post 6867 was in bad taste but it seems to have been the cue for several war jokes. 6867 however implies that war is a "National game" for Germans. I know it was only a joke but I'm not sure most Germans would see that accusation as funny. ( not a cue for comments on German sense of humour)

 

I would not expect many laughs if I referred to "occupation and colonisation" as a British national sport for the same reason.

 

Hi Colin

 

I did not mean to cause any offense, and it is always healthy to question what is acceptable.

 

The joke/comment was from the 1980s, and things have indeed changed greatly regarding (public) morality since then. Mike Harding is certainly someone I would consider on the politically correct side of humour, so that tended to make me feel the comment was not beyond an acceptable line.

 

The vast majority of humour involves someone losing face or losing out to some degree. Humour involving stereotypes is much closer to the line, and my post dealt with stereotypical views of Germany.

 

I did feel that since the comment was in reply to a ‘sharp’ comment in the first place that overall it provided some balance and was not simply regurgitating racial stereotypes.

 

My apologies if anyone was offended by the joke/comment I posted, it was not intended to cause any offense.

 

[Sidecar Racer]

Never ever try and fool modern technology groupies. One day, in line at the company canteen, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample, and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten euro - a lot cheaper than a doctor.'

 

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it Tesco. He deposits ten euros and the computer lights up and asks for the urine

sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

 

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping at Tescos

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

 

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a ###### sample from himself for good measure.

 

Joe hurries back to Tesco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten euros, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

 

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

(Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant -- Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping Tesco!

 

 

 And could this not be considered as offensive to some people as your dislike of the war jokes , as previously

mentioned we all have different views of what is funny , my take is if you don't find it funny move on . And I'm not

taking sides here , just making a statement .

[BoD]

And could this not be considered as offensive to some people as your dislike of the war jokes , as previously

mentioned we all have different views of what is funny , my take is if you don't find it funny move on . And I'm not

taking sides here , just making a statement .

I'm a pregnant dog, who is one of twins, trained as a lawyer but developed a cocaine habit because I live in a hard water area and I found it quite funny.

 

Never played with myself though, just licked a lot.

[Sidecar Racer]

I'm a pregnant dog, who is one of twins, trained as a lawyer but developed a cocaine habit because I live in a hard water area and I found it quite funny.

 

Never played with myself though, just licked a lot.

 

I did'nt say it was'nt funny , I did laugh the first time I heard it . Just pointing out that people have different

standards of funny .

[Compound2632]

The humerus has long been a bone of contention.

[Richard Lee]

Am I on my own here?

 

I thought post 6867 was in bad taste but it seems to have been the cue for several war jokes. 6867 however implies that war is a "National game" for Germans. I know it was only a joke but I'm not sure most Germans would see that accusation as funny. ( not a cue for comments on German sense of humour)

 

I would not expect many laughs if I referred to "occupation and colonisation" as a British national sport for the same reason.

Perhaps we learned it from the Irish?  Did you know that there is part of Great Britain that is now named after a people from Ireland who invaded during the Post-Roman period?  There are still some people in the North West of that area still speaking a language based upon Irish?  Apparently Great Britain extends north of the Rivers Sark and Tweed.

[Colin_McLeod]

And could this not be considered as offensive to some people as your dislike of the war jokes , as previously

mentioned we all have different views of what is funny , my take is if you don't find it funny move on . And I'm not

taking sides here , just making a statement .

Which bit do you think could be considered offensive? Genuine question.

[PhilJ W]

Can we please go back to making jokes, if you think a line has been crossed report it to admin.

[Colin_McLeod]

Already did. Nothing happened. LOL )

[Reorte]

I would not expect many laughs if I referred to "occupation and colonisation" as a British national sport for the same reason.

I would. One of the good points about the British is that we know how to laugh at ourselves.

[Colin_McLeod]

Just like the Irish

[NorthBrit]

Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people on this planet.

[NorthBrit]

People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

[steve1]

My girlfriend asked me "If you could have a threesome, which of my friends you would choose?"

 

Turns out I was only supposed to name one, not two.

 

steve

 

[Enterprisingwestern]

Am I on my own here?

 

I thought post 6867 was in bad taste but it seems to have been the cue for several war jokes. 6867 however implies that war is a "National game" for Germans. I know it was only a joke but I'm not sure most Germans would see that accusation as funny. ( not a cue for comments on German sense of humour)

 

I would not expect many laughs if I referred to "occupation and colonisation" as a British national sport for the same reason.

 

For my defence, I was repeating what one of the chaps in my old gas board days used to say to Germans, he'd been there and done it, so no joke really?

 

Mike.

[Sidecar Racer]

 Door to door salesman today asked if I wanted to buy a coffin .

 

 I said thats the last thing I need .

[Tangoman69]

Tip of the day for Yorkies

 

Don't pay £2 to have a shirt dry cleaned, donate it to charity shop, they clean it and put it on a hanger.

You can buy it back for 75 pence the next day!

[Compound2632]

Already did. Nothing happened. LOL )

 

Was that: reporting it to the Mods

or: going back to making jokes?

[PhilJ W]

Tip of the day for Yorkies

 

Don't pay £2 to have a shirt dry cleaned, donate it to charity shop, they clean it and put it on a hanger.

You can buy it back for 75 pence the next day!

I know of someone who used to do just that, until someone got to the shop before him and purchased the lot.

[NorthBrit]

It is so warm tonight I think I shall sleep with the window open.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

207 mosquitos like this post.

[manna]

G'day Folks

[Enterprisingwestern]

Yesterday I invented a new word.

Plagiarism.

 

Mike.

[jcm@gwr]

Breaking news:

 

The pilot of a light aircraft passed out at the controls 

and flew into the London Eye today.

 

The Police say he's slowly coming round.