The Forum Jokes Thread

[BMS]

GWR, or rather BR(WR)  typically modest have apparently hold the steam speed record and over a long distance and with a 45xx in the 1950s!

Source ;Back Track Back Page of Oct 2019

122 and half miles in around 35 mins!

How they did they make the coal last out,!

3717 efforts pale!

 

(PS I think it should read 12.5 miles)

[steve1]

“I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which would you like first?”
“I’ll have the good news first”
“You have 24 hours to live”
“That’s the good news?! What’s the bad news?”
“I should have told you yesterday “

 

steve

[The Johnster]

'Give it to me straight, doc, how long have I got?'

 

'Well, put it this way, can you get the deposit back on your holiday.  Try and make sure your library books are all returned, and I wouldn't buy any more albums.  And you've got to take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life'

 

'But doc, there's only 3 of them'!

[AndyID]

1 hour ago, The Johnster said:

'Give it to me straight, doc, how long have I got?'

 

'Well, put it this way, can you get the deposit back on your holiday.  Try and make sure your library books are all returned, and I wouldn't buy any more albums.  And you've got to take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life'

 

'But doc, there's only 3 of them'!

 

You missed out, "I wouldn't bother calling for a taxi".

[F-UnitMad]

Doc- "Sorry but you don't have very long left to live"

Patient- "That's awful news. Can you give me any idea of how long I have?"

Doc- "Ten..."

Patient- "Ten what? Ten months? Weeks? Days?"

Doc- "nine.... eight....

[Happy Hippo]

Apparently the following is from 2014, but I'd not seen it before:

 

On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair, Ex. Prime Minister of the UK and now U.N. Middle East Peace Envoy, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

 

He spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing about a lasting peace settlement amongst the warring nations of the Middle East, likening it to the way that the U.S. Government found a suitable agreement with the North American tribes.

 

At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

 

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair:

 

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of sh1t that it can no longer fly.

Edited September 27, 2019 by Happy Hippo

[Chris116]

23 minutes ago, Happy Hippo said:

............... 

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair:

 

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of sh1t that it can no longer fly.

Sadly these days that name could apply to most of our politicians! 

[kevinlms]

51 minutes ago, Happy Hippo said:

Apparently the following is from 2014, but I'd not seen it before:

 

On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair, Ex. Prime Minister of the UK and now U.N. Middle East Peace Envoy, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

 

He spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing about a lasting peace settlement amongst the warring nations of the Middle East, likening it to the way that the U.S. Government found a suitable agreement with the North American tribes.

 

At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

 

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair:

 

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of sh1t that it can no longer fly.

Nothing new. Snopes says.  Doesn't stop it from being funny though!

 

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/walking-eagle-politician/

[ikks]

Not a joke but this really happened to me.Yesterday,I called into Rebel Sports for a couple of things, at the checkout they had  a box of cheap tennis balls , so I thought I'll get a few for my dog. She gave me the clothes, looked me straight in the eye and said "would you like a bag for your balls sir!!". I left rather hurriedly, just before I fell in a heap laughing,

[Two_sugars]

Miss posted.

Edited September 27, 2019 by Two_sugars

[DonB]

Reported in today's Times.

 

IT Dept.   Receives a Panic call. :-

"Any one available for a Picnic on level 3? "

 

 

Problem In Chair Not In Computer.

 

Edited September 27, 2019 by DonB

[jwealleans]

Also PEBCAC - Problem Exists Between Chair And Computer.

[jcm@gwr]

6 minutes ago, DonB said:

Reported in today's Times.

 

IT Dept.   Receives a Panic call. :-

"Any one available for a Picnic on level 3? "

 

 

Problem In Chair Not In Computer.

 

 

 

Also known as 'Faulty interface between chair and keyboard'

[Stanley Melrose]

When my kids were very young, they were enthralled by stories about Rupert Bear.  I worked in London at the time and there was a shop in Oxford Street that sold posters by a company called Athena.  I went in one lunchtime looking to buy a poster with a large image of Rupert bear for their bedroom.  I was told such poster were downstairs so off I went down the stairs.  I looked around me and was surprised/delighted to see the walls were covered in life-sized posters all showing attractive young ladies with little or no clothing adorning their shapely bodies.

 

With complete aplomb, I walked up to the nearest sales assistant and asked if she had any posters showing Rupert Bare . . .

 

Stan

[Enterprisingwestern]

 

The doctor gave me two weeks to live.

I asked him for the last week in July and the first week in August.

 

Mike.

[HonestTom]

My girlfriend just told me she's seeing another man. I asked her if she'd tried rubbing her eyes.

[J. S. Bach]

On 27/09/2019 at 05:51, Two_sugars said:

Miss posted.

Over to Mister posted?

[jcm@gwr]

I've just bought a bungalow.

I nearly bought a house,

but that's another storey.

[J. S. Bach]

5 hours ago, jcm@gwr said:

I've just bought a bungalow.

I nearly bought a house,

but that's another storey.

Took a moment for that to sink in.

[Bernard Lamb]

11 hours ago, jcm@gwr said:

I've just bought a bungalow.

I nearly bought a house,

but that's another storey.

Mu uncle claimed that he invented the bungalow.

His friend was building a house but was running short of money, so my uncle said. Bung a low roof on it.

Bernard

[Enterprisingwestern]

32 minutes ago, Bernard Lamb said:

Mu uncle claimed that he invented the bungalow.

His friend was building a house but was running short of money, so my uncle said. Bung a low roof on it.

Bernard

 

The old ones are the best!!

 

Mike.

[chris p bacon]

I seem to remember Joan Collins with a chap she called 'Bungalow Bill' when asked why he had that name she replied "He had nothing up top but everything down below"

[Two_sugars]

1 hour ago, Bernard Lamb said:

Mu uncle claimed that he invented the bungalow.

His friend was building a house but was running short of money, so my uncle said. Bung a low roof on it.

Bernard

 

He must be  v e r y  old . . . . . . . . .

 

John

[jcredfer]

1 hour ago, Two_sugars said:

 

He must be  v e r y  old . . . . . . . . .

 

John

Maybe...  but I don't remember it being before I was born...

 

Regards

 

Julian

[PhilJ W]

An employer organises a 'Bring your child to work day'. One proud father takes his seven year old daughter to work with him. After about half an hour the little girl burst into tears. Her father asked her what was the matter, she answered loudly. "Where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

Edited September 30, 2019 by PhilJ W
Fat finger syndrome.