Wacol Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 Kermit Jagger: Hello, Ms. Whack. My name is Kermit Jagger. I would like to take out a loan. Patricia Whack: Ok? Mr. Jagger, in order to obtain a loan you must provide some type of collateral. KJ: Oh yes, of course. *places tiny porcelain elephant on counter* This is my collateral. PW: I'll need to check with the manager. One moment please. PW: Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but there is a frog, named Kermit Jagger, and he wants to take out a loan. He said this is his collateral. *places elephant on desk* I don't even know what this is. (I'm so, so sorry) Manager: Well... it's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone. 2 8 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted July 2, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 2, 2020 Why do dogs sniff around the base of trees? They're checking their pee-mails. 4 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 17 hours ago, PhilJ W said: Now, Now. That can't be true. Just looked at the news and Manchester still exists..... 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium 5944 Posted July 2, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 2, 2020 I once went on a date with a girl from the Stock Exchange. I knew it was going well when she started playing FTSE with me under the table. 1 1 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 I'm going out with a girl from Chester who works in one of the attractions. Seems to be a keeper...... 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post PenrithBeacon Posted July 2, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted July 2, 2020 2 2 17 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
2750Papyrus Posted July 2, 2020 Share Posted July 2, 2020 It's always the extra in the red crew shirt that perishes..... 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium newbryford Posted July 2, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 2, 2020 15 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted July 2, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 2, 2020 4 hours ago, Steamport Southport said: Now, Now. That can't be true. Just looked at the news and Manchester still exists..... But hasn't Man U been relegated to the second division yet? Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted July 3, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 3, 2020 This has been stolen from another forum. IDIOT SIGHTING No.1 My daughter and I went to the McDonald's checkout to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.' She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change. Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's in St Albans , Hertfordshire.!! IDIOT SIGHTING No2 We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one (Company name deleted) made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used (Company name deleted) repair since. Happened in Moor Park, near Watford . IDIOT SIGHTING No3 I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, anymore.' Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire. IDIOT SIGHTING No 4 My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce. From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire. IDIOT SIGHTING No 5 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened at Luton Airport IDIOT SIGHTING No 6 The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She is a Local County Council employee in St Albans , Hertfordshire. (And she's NOT blonde) IDIOT SIGHTING No7 When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire. Stay alert .... they walk among us - and they breed! Enjoy!! 2 16 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted July 3, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 3, 2020 25 minutes ago, PhilJ W said: She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' To be fair, that was a poor explanation. The buzzer indicates to the blind that the green man is showing. The indication to road traffic isn't relevant. Humourless pedant this morning, am I not? 1 6 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post jwealleans Posted July 3, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted July 3, 2020 15 minutes ago, PhilJ W said: Happened at Luton Airport A number of years ago I was taking an early morning flight from Luton. As i walked through the metal detector, it sounded. A very angry looking member of the security staff came over waving a hand held detector and motioned me to one side. "it'll be my glasses case". I said, producing said (chrome) case from my pocket. She snatched it from me, opened it, then leaned forward and asked suspiciously "Where are your glasses, then?". I leaned forward to match her and said quietly, "I'm wearing them". She couldn't get me through the Security zone fast enough. They are everywhere. 2 20 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post steve1 Posted July 3, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted July 3, 2020 steve 1 28 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted July 3, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 3, 2020 Reminiscent of a Clement & La Frenais gag first used in an episode of Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads, recycled in Porridge and again in a Sean Connery Bond movie: MO (pointing to sample bottle on table): Can you fill that up for me? Terry/Fletcher/007: What, from here? 2 2 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocor Posted July 3, 2020 Share Posted July 3, 2020 1 hour ago, PhilJ W said: IDIOT SIGHTING No 4 My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce. From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire. I would not necessarily classify someone an idiot, because they had no previous awareness of the term 'minimal'. I am being a mid day humourless pedant. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted July 3, 2020 Share Posted July 3, 2020 1 hour ago, PhilJ W said: IDIOT SIGHTING No 6 The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She is a Local County Council employee in St Albans , Hertfordshire. (And she's NOT blonde) I've heard that one before, atributed to visiting American tourists asking the driver of the taxi they were in why there was a beeping noise at the crossing. Alledgedly their response was "In the USA, we don't let blind people drive!" Joining the Grumpy Old Pedants Group today. 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted July 3, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 3, 2020 I went into Macdonalds and asked for a coffee without sugar. The assistant said "we haven't got any sugar, will you have it without milk?" Mike. 8 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium J. S. Bach Posted July 3, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 3, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, PhilJ W said: ...snip... IDIOT SIGHTING No 4 My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce. From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire. ...snip... Maybe the person behind the counter was making a joke. Edited July 3, 2020 by J. S. Bach 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted July 3, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted July 3, 2020 1 18 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Johnster Posted July 3, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 3, 2020 19 hours ago, 2750Papyrus said: It's always the extra in the red crew shirt that perishes..... Kirk 'I'll lead the landing party, with Spock, Dr Mackoy, and ensign Smith, beam us down, Scotty' Ensign Smith 'Sh*t'... 1 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Johnster Posted July 3, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted July 3, 2020 5 hours ago, Compound2632 said: Humourless pedant this morning, am I not? One of us, one of us... 3 hours ago, rocor said: I am being a mid day humourless pedant One of us, one of us.... 3 hours ago, F-UnitMad said: Joining the Grumpy Old Pedants Group today. One of us, one of use... You're all one of us... 2 1 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted July 3, 2020 Share Posted July 3, 2020 3 hours ago, Enterprisingwestern said: I went into Macdonalds and asked for a coffee without sugar. The assistant said "we haven't got any sugar, will you have it without milk?" Mike. I take it that's a place called Macdonalds rather than the well known high street "restaurant"? In McDonalds you would just have the server telling you the sugar and milk is "over there". You don't think they do it for you do you.... More pedantry I'm afraid. 1 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbo675 Posted July 3, 2020 Share Posted July 3, 2020 1 hour ago, PhilJ W said: Hi There, That could have been an extra level of confusion in one of Maurits Escher's illustrations ! Gibbo 2 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbo675 Posted July 3, 2020 Share Posted July 3, 2020 6 hours ago, PhilJ W said: This has been stolen from another forum. IDIOT SIGHTING No.1....................... ......................... Stay alert .... they walk among us - and they breed! Enjoy!! Hi Phil, I once placed an order for five dozen grinding discs only to be told they only come in boxes of ten. Gibbo. 15 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbo675 Posted July 3, 2020 Share Posted July 3, 2020 Hi Folks, What would you call a double row of brassica orelacea ? A dual cabbage way. Gibbo. 2 1 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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