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The Forum Jokes Thread


Colin_McLeod
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Sexist, racist or religious jokes aren't funny - keep them to yourself!

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Another entry in the "Things You'd Only Do During Lockdown" list.

 

The Action Chick Flick films certainly got people joining in. Fancy another go? In the US of A there are plenty of really iconic songs with place names in them, but it occurs to me that there just aren’t many great songs with English place names. We’ve got “London Calling” by The Clash, “Eton Rifles” by The Jam, “I Don’t Want to Go to Chelsea” by Elvis Costello, but what else is there? “Long-Haired Lover from Liverpool?” “I’ve Got to Leave Old Durham Town?” “Day Trip to Bangor?”

 

The solution is obvious. We just need to rewrite some of the great American place-name songs with English place names instead. Here’s a few suggestions –

 

“Fairy Tale of New Brighton” – Kirsty MacColl and the Pogues

“The Bolton Tea Party” – The Sensational Alex Harvey Band

Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band  could go from California to North Manchester with “Hollinwood Nights” –

“Do You Know the Way to Sandringham?” – Dionne Warwick

“Twenty-four hours from Tonbridge” – Gene Pitney

Glen Campbell is a rich source of material with “By the Time I Get to Felixstowe”, “Galashiels, Oh Galashiels” and the rather South-Manchester ditty “The Wythenshawe Lineman”

“Is This the Way to Aberystwyth?” – Tony Christie

The Rolling Stones could give us “Get Your Kicks on the M56”

Mark Cohn could be "Walking in Melton"

Elton John could have his “Filliegh, Devonshire Freedom.” (Yes, there is a place in Devon called Filliegh)

Let’s go north of the border with “It Never Rains in Southern Caledonia” by Albert Hammond (also Caledonia Girls, Hotel Caledonia, Caledonia Dreaming etc etc)

And to Anglesey for “The Night Llanallgo Died” by Paper Lace.

And Finally “I Left My Heart in Saffron Walden” – Tony Bennett

 

Finally? I’m sure there will be others. The person with the best suggestion will win their very own air guitar. Have fun.

 

Cam

Edited by CameronL
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An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."

 

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

 

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

 

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

 

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

 

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

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11 minutes ago, J. S. Bach said:

And here I thought that Bangor is in Maine! :jester:

I was once on a flight back to the UK from California which stopped to refuel in that Bangor and as we were landing I heard someone in the seat behind me wondering why if we'd just flown across the Atlantic we needed a refuelling stop in North Wales. He was British, I hasten to add. I know there are a lot of Americans who probably don't know there's a Bangor in Maine, but there's probably more than know that there's a Bangor in North Wales. (Mind you, having had considerable experience of our colonial friends' geographical knowledge I wonder how many of them could even point out Canada on the map. Clue - it's that thing that stops Alaska from being an island )

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1 hour ago, CameronL said:

 I know there are a lot of Americans who probably don't know there's a Bangor in Maine .. 


If they’ve ever listened to ‘King of the Road’ they should know. :)

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5 hours ago, CameronL said:

I think it was the one in County Down. The Bangor in the song sounds like a seaside resort and Bangor in North Wales is a last resort. Shall we say "British" rather than "English"?

 

Yes. But you're not going on a daytrip to Northern Ireland.

 

Definitely not in the 1970s.....

 

 

 

Jason

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49 minutes ago, Gopher said:

image.png.185980ab9d12b7a943f612da94646a87.png

 

48 minutes ago, Gopher said:

image.png.27961e16e2aafb5afbc0c035b0087117.png

Hi Gopher,

 

As funny as they both are, I mostly like them for how they reflect far too accurately the absolute truth !

 

"Side effects" are a corporate way of saying, "actual detrimental effects".

 

Gibbo.

Edited by Gibbo675
Side effects.
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6 hours ago, Stubby47 said:

The Bangor in the song was actually Rhyl, but 'Rhyl' wouldn't fit the lyrics.  (Ex-Rhylite, to my everlasting shame).  

 

And most of the rhymes with Rhyl can be ... difficult ...  And when I think of Rhyl, I think of rows and rows of (im)mobile holiday homes.  Though to be fair, its better than Talacre.

 

sings

"Didn't we have a luvverly time when we went to Talacre" 

 

Hmmmmmm....

It fits, it FITS!

 

1 hour ago, Steamport Southport said:

Yes. But you're not going on a daytrip to Northern Ireland.

 

Definitely not in the 1970s.....

 

But the Irish Ferries always seemed so busy. Unless half of the foot passengers were Special Branch...

 

Edited by Hroth
Clarity....
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Didn't we have a lovely time the day we went to Towyn?

 

A lovely day, we had lunch on the way, and all for under a pound, you know....

 

And on the way back, I cuddled with Jack, and we opened a bottle of cider....

 

Oh it makes me feel ill when I think on the mill, and the wheels going 'round....

 

;)

 

 

 

Edited by Sarahagain
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3 minutes ago, Sarahagain said:

Didn't we have a lovely time the day we went to Towyn?

;)

 

 

...............     :dance_mini::dance_mini::dance_mini:...............      :huh:.........................               you did?????

 

Ok........   I confess...........   our Sunday School did take us on a day trip to Rhyll...........   and it was Sooooopppppeeerrrrr!!!

 

Julian

 

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9 minutes ago, Sarahagain said:

Didn't we have a lovely time the day we went to Towyn?

 

Are we there yet?

 

My main childhood memory of going for a day out along the North Wales coast is sitting in the back of our car, in a traffic jam, with the rain beating down on the roof.  We may have been going home at that point...  :jester:

 

Edited by Hroth
I'm sure I don't do all these typos, plain wrong spellings and completely different words!
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11 hours ago, Gibbo675 said:

 

Hi Gopher,

 

As funny as they both are, I mostly like them for how they reflect far too accurately the absolute truth !

 

"Side effects" are a corporate way of saying, "actual detrimental effects".

 

Gibbo.

Hi Gibbo - I agree. 

 

The PILs (Patient Information leaflets) you get with medication always make interesting (or scary) reading.  Don't get me started on the way our society is going.  I'd like to say evolving but somehow that does not feel like the correct word.   

   

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18 hours ago, Stubby47 said:

The Bangor in the song was actually Rhyl, but 'Rhyl' wouldn't fit the lyrics.  (Ex-Rhylite, to my everlasting shame).  

That’s rather Alarming

 

Andi

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4 hours ago, Gopher said:

Hi Gibbo - I agree. 

 

The PILs (Patient Information leaflets) you get with medication always make interesting (or scary) reading.  Don't get me started on the way our society is going.  I'd like to say evolving but somehow that does not feel like the correct word.   

   

 

I think evolving is apposite, evolution works both ways!

 

Mike.

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