RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted February 18, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 18, 2020 1 hour ago, raymw said: My wife says why wait until Tuesday, just do it today. I am getting a little worried! 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Reorte Posted February 18, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 18, 2020 3 minutes ago, Chris116 said: My wife says why wait until Tuesday, just do it today. I am getting a little worried! It is Tuesday. (sorry!) 1 2 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted February 18, 2020 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Chris116 said: My wife says why wait until Tuesday, just do it today. I am getting a little worried! This is Tuesday! Oops Reorte beat me to it. Edited February 18, 2020 by Colin_McLeod 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Johnster Posted February 18, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 18, 2020 Doctor told me I’ve got to take one of these pills every day for the rest of my life. I wouldn’t mind but there’s only 3 of them... 3 10 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted February 18, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, Reorte said: It is Tuesday. (sorry!) My wife is not good on what day it is at the best of times but when she sees a chance to get rid of my she appears to get keen! At least I have survived this far today! Edited February 18, 2020 by Chris116 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve1 Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 I believe in honesty with my kids. When they say “Daddy, what will I be when I grow up ?” I tell them “Disappointed.” steve 3 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
APOLLO Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece. In those days believe it or not the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events. At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: " OH!! Limp Pricks!" Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics." Brit15 1 2 2 10 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium ColinK Posted February 18, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 18, 2020 I eat my peas with honey I've done it all my life It makes the peas taste funny But they do stick to the knife 4 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steamport Southport Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 5 minutes ago, ColinK said: I eat my peas with honey I've done it all my life It makes the peas taste funny But they do stick to the knife What you need is Cheezy Peaz.... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YT5kI3zJFmA https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHG9WAqAE_Q Jason 2 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
F-UnitMad Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 2 hours ago, steve1 said: I believe in honesty with my kids. When they say “Daddy, what will I be when I grow up ?” I tell them “Disappointed.” steve In a similar vein, when someone asks "What did your last slave die of?", the best answer is... "Disobedience". 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D-A-T Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 1 hour ago, ColinK said: I eat my peas with honey I've done it all my life It makes the peas taste funny But they do stick to the knife Spike? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick Holliday Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 10 hours ago, ColinK said: I eat my peas with honey I've done it all my life It makes the peas taste funny But they do stick to the knife 9 hours ago, D-A-T said: Spike? With the final line "But it keeps them on the knife" this is often attributed to the American writer Ogden Nash from the nineteen-thirties, although it may be anonymous and even earlier. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Chris116 Posted February 19, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 19, 2020 If the tax on cigarettes is meant to stop smoking does that mean the tax on income is meant to stop working? 1 1 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Compound2632 Posted February 19, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 19, 2020 Just now, Chris116 said: If the tax on cigarettes is meant to stop smoking does that mean the tax on income is meant to stop working? The things that are taxed are without exception the things that are bad for your health. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Stubby47 Posted February 19, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 19, 2020 12 hours ago, ColinK said: I eat my peas with honey I've done it all my life It makes the peas taste funny But they do stick to the knife 11 hours ago, D-A-T said: Spike? Pam Ayers 2 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbo675 Posted February 19, 2020 Share Posted February 19, 2020 1 hour ago, Compound2632 said: The things that are taxed are without exception the things that are bad for your health. Hi Stephen, You are quite right for if hard work was actually good for you the rich and greedy would have kept it for themselfs !!! Gibbo. 3 4 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post PenrithBeacon Posted February 19, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 19, 2020 Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding tour of Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100.” The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?” The American diplomats reply, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk." 27 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Popular Post Sidecar Racer Posted February 19, 2020 RMweb Premium Popular Post Share Posted February 19, 2020 The Flight Attendant... The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately. “Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot & sexy looking female passenger on board, who looks sad & quite frightened. The man sitting beside her is a fat old slob, who looks like a letch, very sullen, mean, and dangerous!". The captain responds..., “Patricia, I’ve told you this before. This is Air Force One...” 2 30 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium ColinK Posted February 19, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 19, 2020 22 hours ago, D-A-T said: Spike? Actually on a sign in the toilets at Gargrave!!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Johnster Posted February 20, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 20, 2020 15 hours ago, Stubby47 said: Pam Ayers I am a bunny rabbit an' I sits inside me 'utch I likes to sit up this end, don' like that end much I 'opes termorrer's Thursday, because, with any luck, If termorrer's Thursday, that's the day they pass the buck... 4 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted February 20, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 20, 2020 8 hours ago, God's Wonderful Railway 1835 said: TOOLS EXPLAINED DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t' DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.. TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part. HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. I knew I'd been doing it right all these years, thanks for the confirmation. Mike. 10 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post luckymucklebackit Posted February 20, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted February 20, 2020 A photon checks in for a flight. ”Do you have any luggage?” asks the attendant. ”No” says the photon “I’m travelling light”. 2 20 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeithMacdonald Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 Schrödinger tries checking in for a flight, with a cat carry-bag. "Do you have any live animals in that bag?" asks the attendant. Schrödinger says "I can't tell you". "But I might have some gunpowder, a Geiger counter, and hydrocyanic poison." Schrödinger is now helping Special Branch police with their enquiries. The rectal examination went well. 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liam Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 A topical one: What did the flooded river say when it saw the beaver? ”Well I’ll be dammed!” 1 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold tomparryharry Posted February 21, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 21, 2020 Advancing Technology & failing eyesight have caught up with me. I've spent 30 minutes trying to work out the phrase ' Sootify'....... 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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