RMweb Gold tomparryharry Posted February 21, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 21, 2020 I walked along a crooked mile, To meet a happy crocodile. I think he's happy, and his dress is snappy, But I retreated a distance, to change my underpants..... Look! It's Friday, and I'm using poetic licence! 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeithMacdonald Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 Just now, tomparryharry said: Look! It's Friday, and I'm using poetic licence! It's POETS day. 4 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
billbedford Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 (edited) Leopards never change their underpants. Edited February 21, 2020 by billbedford 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold tomparryharry Posted February 21, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 21, 2020 6 minutes ago, KeithMacdonald said: It's POETS day. Not with a crocodile, fella! 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold tomparryharry Posted February 21, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 21, 2020 Just now, billbedford said: Leopards never change their underpants. My eyesight is going again, Bill.... I thought you wrote Leonards..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike Storey Posted February 21, 2020 Share Posted February 21, 2020 On 20/02/2020 at 12:54, God's Wonderful Railway 1835 said: A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car. Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Member of the European Agriculture Department", says Sid. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ... Now give me back my f-----g dog! ".... and by the way, I still want my sodding EU grant." "Sorry, no way," says the man in the BMW, "you were supposed to be a cattle farmer. At least, that's what you told us." 1 1 6 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold The Johnster Posted February 22, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 22, 2020 Why is the farmer called Sid? 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Colin_McLeod Posted February 22, 2020 Author RMweb Gold Share Posted February 22, 2020 His mother liked the name. 1 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gibbo675 Posted February 22, 2020 Share Posted February 22, 2020 8 hours ago, The Johnster said: Why is the farmer called Sid? He had made a huge profit trading stocks and shares at about the time of the British Gas privatisation and invested it all into a farm ! 1 1 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Popular Post 5944 Posted February 25, 2020 RMweb Premium Popular Post Share Posted February 25, 2020 22 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 On 21/02/2020 at 18:20, billbedford said: Leopards never change their underpants. Oh yes I do; daily 1 10 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 1 12 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
andytrains Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 On 21/02/2020 at 18:20, billbedford said: Leopards never change their underpants. That's why they are spotty!!!!! 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium Popular Post newbryford Posted February 25, 2020 RMweb Premium Popular Post Share Posted February 25, 2020 I'm sure this will be familiar to many. 3 2 1 15 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 3 minutes ago, newbryford said: I'm sure this will be familiar to many. Or..... I'm retired and my lovely lady is still bringing in the working wage...... ....... better still, my pensions pay for those wonderful ladies who arrive each week to cheer me with their delightful chat and singing, whilst restoring the house back to being clean. Julian 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcm@gwr Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 Pancake Day again and I've got none of the ingredients. It's really creped up on me this year. Some people who make pancakes don't give a toss. I've just been arrested for stealing ready made pancakes from my local supermarket. My excuse is that I'm a creped-to-maniac. 5 3 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sprintex Posted February 26, 2020 Share Posted February 26, 2020 (edited) 14 hours ago, newbryford said: I'm sure this will be familiar to many. I do all of those without being asked: we both work full time so split the housework evenly too. I like cooking, she doesn't. I do the hoovering because she has a back injury, so she does the dusting instead. We both do the washing when it needs doing. The dishwasher does the dishes . Oh, and I spend MY money on whatever I like, and she does the same with hers. After all essential outgoings the meagre remainder is split 50/50 to spend on whatever we like without question Paul Edited February 26, 2020 by Sprintex 9 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthBrit Posted February 26, 2020 Share Posted February 26, 2020 If the queue is too long just cough and say, "This is the worst I have been since I got back from China." 18 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeithMacdonald Posted February 26, 2020 Share Posted February 26, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, NorthBrit said: If the queue is too long just cough and say, "This is the worst I have been since I got back from China." Oh dear. Still, it could be worse ... Quote Tottenham Hotspur midfielder Dele Alli has been charged by the Football Association over a post on social media about coronavirus. Alli, 23, put a video on Snapchat in which he joked about the outbreak and appeared to mock an Asian man. He later deleted the post and released a new video on Chinese social media platform Weibo to apologise, saying: "I let myself down and the club." https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/51652439 Good job this isn't a forum visible to the public. Oh, wait ... Edited February 26, 2020 by KeithMacdonald 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted February 26, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 26, 2020 2 hours ago, KeithMacdonald said: Oh dear. Still, it could be worse ... Good job this isn't a forum visible to the public. Oh, wait ... Dele Adebola is adamant he didn't. Mike. 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
jcredfer Posted February 26, 2020 Share Posted February 26, 2020 1 hour ago, Enterprisingwestern said: DeleA d ebola is adam ant he didn't. Mike. Clearly identity challenged... be calling him-self afo otballer next... Julian 1 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Gold Enterprisingwestern Posted February 27, 2020 RMweb Gold Share Posted February 27, 2020 7 hours ago, jcredfer said: Clearly identity challenged... be calling him-self afo otballer next... Julian Does he drive a Mini Cooper S? Mike. 2 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMweb Premium PhilJ W Posted February 28, 2020 RMweb Premium Share Posted February 28, 2020 If you boil a funny bone does it become laughing stock? and is that humerus? 1 2 9 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 Phil..........! 1 5 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardml2341 Posted February 28, 2020 Share Posted February 28, 2020 1 12 Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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